yeah, yeah. happy new year.

I drove into town for stops at the post office, bank, library, and gas station--thinking about both the comforts and the entrapment of small-town living.  back home, i lounged away, watching movies galore (Mrs. Doubtfire, Pride and Prejudice, The Graduate, and Amelie).  mom and i drove around trying to find an open kitchen for dinner, then had plans canceled and stayed in with my parents for new year's. 

family family

dad took me to see the trans-siberian-orchestra concert in cleveland, which was loud and bright and extravagant, making me wish dad had just taken me to the traditional barber-shop quartet (because i probably would have enjoyed it tons more).  went home to a surprise visit from all three aunt's on mom's side (i think they've made a total of three visits in my lifetime...).  nothing like a visit from family to renew dietary ambitions...

odd combination

said "screw it" and went to see the movie by myself, before heading off to dad's for the night.  dad is rennovating, which made for an uncomfortable night where we all crashed in the living room.  started some spiritual reading, and made a bit more progress on the ambiguous screenplay.

a little encouragement

Russ has the flu, so Mom and I abandoned the house and went to Nana's for late Xmas exchange, then Pat Catan's for more journal-making materials (Mom loved the book I made for her for Christmas), then Outback for dinner.  I desperately wanted to go to the movies, but after failing to find someone to go with, and with an unreliable transmission, I was demanded to stay home.  Began writing a new screenplay without a clear plan for where to take it, but was glad to be writing nonetheless.

not just forgettable, but forgotten

worked 11-7, then went home and tried to plan an outing with Tyler.  He told me they would be at muggs, so I got ready and headed over...only to find a room full of strangers and a bitter taste in my mouth that had nothing to do with the expresso.

wondering about the absence

Went to get my hair highlighted, but it was a new girl and so I feel like my hair is all messed up.  Mom and I ate at Grinders, and on the way home I realized that it's been awhile since anyone other than my mom tried to contact me.  Instead of rectifying the situation and trying to regain some social life, I stayed up until 5 am reading.

the freedom of the holidays

Mom woke me like an excited five year old so that I might hurry down and we could open gifts that much sooner.  The morning was dedicated to excited squeels and squeaks (from my mother, mostly) and exasperated cries at the kitten and the dog to get out of the tree/wrapping paper.  Felt really satisfied with the gifts, even though I hadn't asked for anything in particular.  Ate the traditional dinner (where I finally convinced Mom to say the prayer), then napped, finally conducted some research for the thesis, and finally stayed up ridiculously late getting lost in the tail-end of my latest series endeavor.

*sigh* Family.

met mom for lunch in belden before rushing off to aunt connie's for the traditional pearson-get-together. once again i was the outcast who no one acknowledged, or when they did it was to patronize my current life ambitions in a way that made me want to push away from the "table" and construct my own--alone--just to prove i could do it. watched The Women with Mom and Russ, then stayed up late enjoying the solidarity of my book and last-minute gift-making...

a strange twist to my day

actually got up early in the morning to put ben's present together with alyssa before work, and after the afternoon shift we drove out into the treacherously icy weather in order to get the presents ben was holding hostage.  when we opened ours, we immediately were aware that he hadn't put nearly as much into his gifts as we had to his (rather expensive, I might add) two presents.  riding home with alyssa was a threat to my life, and it didn't help that i was brooding over the clear division in my friendships, but when i walked up my driveway, the garage light illuminated the house and sparkled off the ice of the driveway in such a magnificent way, that i actually stood in the freezing rain until i was soaked--feeling the first peace-of-mind i'd felt since...i don't know when.

apathy

Went to work.  Did late, last minute Christmas shopping.  Wishing I could be a Scrooge...

oh that darned conscience

read all day.  thought deeply about the "melodramatic" feeling of the twenties, desperately hoping that the ideals don't fade as "life" comes bearing down.  felt slight twinges of guilt because I avoided doing anything new with my script or thesis topic, or with my spiritual autobiography, or with the webpage, or with editing for open frame highlight reel...the list continues.  tried to stay content with knowing i was reading and doing something purely for enjoyment, for once.

uneventful day, irritable person

Started a new book, then headed into work for the second busiest shopping day of the year (the saturday before christmas).  was plagued by a strange ache in my right leg, which left me unmotivated for any wild saturday night plans (as if i had any!).  I stayed in and read my book.

gently navigating the past while still tying to construct the present

Melanee and I fulfilled our duty as the EC fag-hags and had lunch with our corresponding counterparts--Zach and Tyler.  I came home and cleaned all night--sorted through past eras first physically, then emotionally as Alyssa and I failed to connect with a previously close friend.

always saying goodbye

Breakfast and Sex and the City with Mallory and Ann, then Mallory's gone and it's lunch and Sex and the City with Ann.  Worked till 10:30, then went to Steak and Shake with Tyler, Melanee, and Zach while trying to sort out my opinions on a number of previously-held conservative standpoints. 

oh those dialectics once again

Said goodbye to Connie for three weeks as she visits family in Florida.  I cleaned half of my room, packed for the night, and then drove to Ann's to wait for Mallory's visit.  Spent the night in laughter and reminiscence with just a hint of sadness...

still postponing responsibility

I took Mrs. Raber's interview to her, and also visited with Mrs. Moody and Profe, who were both delightfully surprised to see me, and I was happy to visit for the first time in years.  I returned to the store Alyssa and I visited in Canton and bought three gifts, before Connie and I returned home and hung out--homework free--until bedtime.

trying to stay focused on not-me

Since Ann's family is incredibly like her in their particularity, I went back down to the editing suite to add more pictures, adjust time-slots, and change song timing for the anniversary video (that had already been shown at the party, but was now going to be given to Ann's parents). Alyssa and I then went out Christmas shopping, though we didn't buy anything. We did, however, find a wonderful little shop in Canton that I intend to revisit...

post script: i got my grades (the first collegiate 4.0!)...

surprisingly uneventful

worked the mid-shift.  went home and then out to muggswigz with mom.

hoping this is not the itinerary for the rest of break

Had to be in the mall at 7:30 am, and when I got there we were so slow that I struggled to stay awake.  Got done at 3:30 and went home to take a nice long nap.  After I woke, I met Connie at Panera before spending the night at Kris' to house-sit. 

first day of break...

I spent all day in the editing suite making an anniversary video for Ann's parents. There's something oddly satisfying about working down there (when things go my way, of course), but by the end of the day I was feeling more irritated than satisfied. After finishing the project, and then re-arranging it and tweaking it for FOUR hours, I was ready to pack up and go home--which unfortunately was not on the agenda. Packed up for break, visited with Erik, and then crawled into bed 'round 3 am even though I had to be up saturday at 6:30 for crazy mall hours...

life is full of goodbyes

I got up early to finish studying for the comm theory final, which I felt really good about immediately following, though I then worried at what I must have missed because one does not generally feel confident after such exams.  Napped away the afternoon before the photography final, then reluctantly went to a goodbye party for Justin and other such studying-abroad people next semester.  It was mildly depressing because I've just been integrated into that social circle... making friends and then watching them leave...

the last minute study thing

Woke late (as per usual), did laundry, piddled away at studying for comm theory.  Nonchalantly went to the film final, where we received heavy news that left me feeling odds dialectics and left me at a loss for how to respond.  Spent the night with Connie house-sitting, where I was up until 5 am studying for comm theory and then watching The Celebration--which was delightfully awful to watch (especially at 4 am). 

Feeling so spiritual that you doubt its authenticity

I met with Andrew in the afternoon to discuss my shitty seven research questions and my new shitty dialogue for my script. Overall, he was impressed (sort of) with the questions, and then not-so-much about the dialogue. Which I felt okay about, though not-so-okay about the new deadlines he has given me for both projects. The rest of the afternoon was dedicating to wrapping up a very insightful (HA!) spiritual autobiography that ended up constituting two pages. After storyboarding, I was once again excited about the project, and more so about the implications for my spirituality.

things are winding down

was determined to get a good day of studying in for comm theory, but it turned into more of a vague start to an overview.  the study party was generally unhelpful because we weren't thinking critically and I was overwhelmed by the large number of people there.  afterwards i went out to applebees with lots of great people and felt like i had a real social life for the first time in ages.  came back and made up ridiculous dialogue for my script, followed by generating research questions for my gendergenre thesis study. 

happy to be wrong

With a little help from Russ, I convinced Mom to meet me for lunch, where she showed up with a new coat for me!  The Revolving Doors writing meeting made me fear that they would soon regret inviting me to be a head writer (due to my lack of innovative and creative ideas), which left me feeling all self-deprecating and such (surprise!), so I went to get my hair done to feel better.  The salon closed at 5, so I went back to the room and wasted time before driving to Andrew's for class documentary-watching.  King of Kong was great, but a comment made in teasing upset me more personally than it should and I reacted strongly in anger.  I drove home fuming, only to receive an apology in my inbox, disproving my earlier beliefs about the person's intended effects. 

decision?

I reluctantly drove to Belden Village during the worst time of the year in order to clock in and repair watches for eight hours.  All day I was looking forward to The Justin Project at muggs--which was all I had hoped.  Engaged in conversation that didn't completely (though at some points, inevitably) revolve around school/work, which was a wonderful relief.  At midnight, Erik stopped by--which was the first time I had seen him in at least two months--and we spent time visiting in that superficial way of knowing that there are more serious issues hidden beneath the surface that neither are going to acknowledge. 

film, gender, christmas, plays

panicked before yet another group presentation (this one for history and theory of film), though i think in the end it went well.  it was dense and packed with information (i'm sure the class was nodding off during our extensive discussion of imaginary, mirror, Oedipal stages and how they intersect to create a wound while watching cinema that must be sutured through the maternal voice, followed by an overview of contrasting social presentations of woman vs Woman and the technologies of gender), but overall we were collected and organized and informing.  in the afternoon i got a little emo, but then i got over it in time to attend Christmas dinner and the second half of the 10-Minute Play festival (which i bias-ly think was not quite as good as the first half).  crawled to bed around 2 a.m.

getting past the ideal

gave comm theory presentation about mass communication, which led into a meeting about the webpage, possible honors thesis topics, my screenplay, and internship next semester.  am feeling completely lost about the middle two, so andrew's forcing me to come tuesday with 7 research questions and 2 new characters and 12 lines of dialogue in order to push me past my "massive superego that defines all of my decisions before i even make them."  went to watch my actors in the 10-Minute Play festival (while wishing i knew more about psychology) and left proud and grateful for this experience, and hoping to get more involved in theatre once again.

last minute prepping

10-Minute Play Festival was all that was on my mind as we prepared for tech rehearsal.  Full tech was awesome, followed by a stressful comm theory group meeting that left Dusty and I in the barn at 1 am finishing a paper and prepping for our presentation...

a minor injury puts things into perspective

got a surprising amount of work done on the webpage halfway through the day, and then i very gracefully tripped over nothing and injured my ankle to the point where i was limping for the rest of the night.  i drove over to photography and finished my projects for the semester, then hobbled to life stories to watch Persepolis, and then headed to the finale of "Revolving Doors."  Laughed with the suities, then collapsed into bed without sparing a thought for my homework.

some things happened

went to chapel and then to class.  rehearsal is starting to feel strained because my actresses are more than ready for the performance.  ended the night with forensics dinner at tlaquepque.

what break should really be about

went to Akron Christian Reformed Church again with Connie, and this time they did have communion (which was a terrifying ordeal for both connie and myself), but the momentary panic was relieved after a great service and the first sense of communion-in-community in probably three years.  projects and papers only barely filled my time because i decided to nap and watch movies instead.

balancing

got in at around 5 am, so sleeping till noon was no problem.  watched movies with mom, went to muggs with tyler, then kidnapped connie for the evening.  there was no successful homeworking, but due to the great fellowship, i wasn't feeling guilty.

that girl

spent the evening with ben and alyssa for the first time since summer.  things were almost like normal, especially when tom stopped by around midnight.  meaningless banter went on long into the night, and when we drove to steak and shake to meet timmy and his friends, i started to slip once again into the dismal abyss of self-pity

lazy thanksgiving

spent the first half of the day with mom and russ, then sped off to malvern for the second feeding with dad's side.  stuffed, feeling gluttonous, i returned home to dawdle around my cross-cultural paper.  finished up around 2 a.m. 

first day of break

woke to an awkward phone call from an ex, then decided not to let it affect my homework plan.  met alyssa at muggs, where we talked for two hours instead of doing homework.  i went home, cuddled with mom, took a nap, and at the end of the day, wrote four pages of my ten page paper.  good start, right?

five steps behind

i was running all day, attempting to get everything completed: class, taping boxes for my set in the theatre, work, photo lab, rehearsal, photo lab, packing, loading, going home.  it was strange to go through a day filled with sentimental goodbyes, with the full knowledge that in five days we would be together again.  it was weird to be aware the dialectical emotions of sadness and joy to be leaving for the holiday.  i always thought that recognizing these kinds of things would make me more capable of understanding and reacting to them...

it was like mini-senioritis

thanksgiving break was all i had in mind, and so i had no desire for any sort of strenuous thinking.  the day was filled with various meetings and preparations for break, followed by an obligatory visit with a "friend," a once-again reminder of where i don't want to end up.

sabbath

I went to Akron Christian Reformed Church--the first Sunday I've made it to church in probably five months.  I was relieved to see we wouldn't be taking communion (which for some reason terrifies me), and I was sitting in a row of people whom I respect, adore, and am thankful for, and the sermon was one of the easiest (and most radical) ones to follow along with.  I loved that the church is willing to ask those questions and to probe into the "problems" secular society sees in the gospel.  I loved the community they strive to promote.  I loved the group singing.

a pleasantly boring day

went to class.  went to work. 

 

(this is for friday november 21...but i'm not sure why it posted later and i don't feel like fixing it.)

forensics-free saturday

worked all day, then watched What's Eating Gilbert Grape with my suitemates instead of reading film theory.  spent hours cleaning the shower, my room, the living area, all in order to feel productive without actually being productive.  browsed through pages of films to create an even longer netflix queue. 

when interactions with people are more memorable than the work done

In class:
"Do you think you're different cultures?"

At lunch:
"I have crew hours."

Building stuff:
"How should we lift this cake?"
"Let me help."
"Okay, well, we need to tilt it now."
"We clearly didn't think this through."
"Why don't you move the couch and split the curtain?? I can't believe it's taking that many of you to do that. I could do it on my own!!"

LAUGH LAUGH HEE-HAW! "He kept trying to get me to drink a beer, while he was already halfway through a twelve pack!"

In one of those dense meetings:
"This is a new episode."

"Maybe he is threatened because you're a woman, and you're strong and independent. But I think this touches a tenuous chord because it's projecting a knowledge that you might not want to adopt here at Malone."
"Yeah. Ever. And I've unfortunately had to do a lot of that this semester."

"Your spiritual autobiography doesn't have to be a victory story."

With Tyler:
"She said that?!"

"I was hoping Melanee would be here so we could compare beards."

At a writers' meeting:
"Can he please have an eye patch???"

"Let's make a revolving doors calendar--that could be our publicity!"

a typical wednesday

that includes class, rehearsal, and MeTV.  not much socializing, not much free time.  read a chapter on gender and film, and while it didn't give me much insight into what i want to study for my thesis, it did help me gain a broader knowledge of the conversation. 

it's difficult to navigate

usually once, sometimes twice, a week, i have these really dense meetings with my faculty advisor.  now, dense meetings in general aren't bad, but when one is having them consistently and frequently, one starts struggling to stay aloft.  I'm bogged down by the imminence of projects, deadlines, expectations, challenges, etc.  There's hope present, faith that i can achieve more than i think i'm capable of.  it creates a perpetual state of hovering halfway between working harder to be better and just giving up. 

Annoyance

the sole emotion i could muster the entire day.  skipped chapel because i'm annoyed by the requirement, annoyed that it was a good speaker and i missed it, annoyed that if i refuse to speak in film class no one else will take the lead and therefore we're all required to say something even if we don't want to, annoyed that we have a long rehearsal with only an hour break before tech, then so very annoyed at the people running tech who take it upon themselves to change my design concept to suit their needs and who expect me to have come up with half of my set even though i was in tennessee all weekend, annoyed that i went to the MeTV meeting and no one else showed up, and finally annoyed by how late i got to bed once again because of investigating persepolis and the graphic novel. 

 

though i do really love persepolis, and am gaining a new appreciation for graphic novels.

public service announcement

drove 7 hours in the van to get home before I had to head off to work at 6 for holiday training, then met up with audrey to begin one of those stressful projects.  i realized that i'm probably the worst person to ever be in a group with...i'm a control freak, i'm busy all the time, i'm pushy, and my schedule hardly ever neatly coincides with anyone else's.  my sincerest apologies to everyone who has to endure my pushy, stubborn, nit-picky, busy self.

a typical forensics tournament

up early (now the third day in a row that i've not gotten nearly enough sleep) and spent the van ride desperately attempting to finish last-minute memorizing.  here was my schedule:

8:00am--go to first round of CA.  Stand in the front of the room, stumble, gain confidence, then 2/3 through the speech lose everything and have to pick up notecards from the back of the room.  Embarrassment.
8:30am--go down 2 flights of stairs and perform POI to a room full of non-responsive women.  C'mon!  This is a good piece!
9:30am--go to 2nd round of CA.  Abandon all hopes of performing the speech memorized.  Use notecards the entire time. 
10:00am--go to 2nd round of POI.  Deliver break-up piece to a bunch of men.  Fantastic. 
11:00am--meet the rest of the team for lunch break and last minute practicing on prose.
1:30pm--1st round of prose.  It was bad.
3:30pm--2nd round of prose.  It was worse (just me and the judge.  I looooove it when that happens.)
5:00pm--find out that I broke! (for the first time this semester!!!!) into finals.  run to bathroom to practice.
5:15pm--go to round by myself and feel incredibly unsupported.  watch amazing people.  feel unworthy of being in this round.
7:00pm--watch ADS with Ann.  Laughed, got bored, laughed some more.  "I know I wouldn't want to put Ballz or Red Bull in my Heini."
9:00pm--awards with the team who is resentful that they have to stay because I'm the only one who broke.  Bittersweet vindication.
10:00pm--head to Demo's for dinner.  Get scared by Ann's reckless driving. eat steak and spaghetti.  read surprisingly supportive ballots.
12:00am--finally start driving home.
2:00am--stop at hotel.

long day.  wishing i had a re-charge day.

the future freaks me out

panicked about the five group projects that need to be completed in the next three weeks (culture connections for TUESDAY, oral history project with mrs. raber, spiritual autobiography--which i have not touched since dr. chambers told me i could place it on the back burner two weeks ago, summative film project--which our group still does not have a book for, and theory project--where i have to somehow find time to watch an hour of TV monday night between tech, MeTV, and life stories meeting with audrey), attempted to memorize a speech throughout the day, finished Persepolis, but then abandoned all thought of homework in attempt to prepare for the tournament. 

prepping for a long weekend

Met with Jim about tech sheets for directing, and then felt a little bit of the load lift off my shoulders...before a new one descended rapidly as i realized that my actors are no where NEAR ready for tech on Monday.  Worked, went to class, went back to work and tried to contact alumni who would send in narratives for the webpage, packed and hopped into the forensics van for a long trip down to tennessee.  felt monopolized.

okay, so you were right

the chapel speaker had great potential, but little talent in public speaking, so my thoughts drifted to my to-do list which included:

the photography project due last night
planning rehearsal
fitting in a time to watch killer of sheep
MeTV
meeting with Audrey to transcribe Mrs. Raber's interview
directing chapter assessment
grading actors' analyses
rehearsal plan for next week
rehearsal assessment
comm theory reading
memorizing a speech for forensics
and working 5 hours for the webpage

i ran to the photo lab, only to discover that Gary was nowhere to be found.  I went back to my room, grabbed everything I would need for the rest of the day, showered, and went back to again an empty photo lab.  Did other homework while I waited for G to come and show me how to matte my complex architecture project, but he showed up half an hour before class, and didn't help me until a quarter till. 

I left dejected (because the matte I cut was backwards) and walked into class almost a half an hour late.  I had to admit that it was because I was working on a late project, and the double nature of being late to class to try and finish late homework left me feeling like the worst student imaginable.  My image of "good student" is quickly evaporating. 

I knew I had taken on too much.  I just hate when everyone else can see it, too.

a day filled with meaningless activity that is unfortunately necessary to complete the meaningful

was rushing to get things done, but didn't accomplish hardly anything.  spent hours in the photo lab making prints, but had to leave before i could matte them.  went to legally blonde in cleveland for directing class, but was rather disappointed (even though I generally like feel-good musicals) and felt like i wasted a good 5.5 hours. 

end of semester blues

started this morning aware that i had not accomplished nearly as much as i should have for the rest of the week to be as restful as i would like, but was determined not to feel bad in light of the opportunity to spend time with friends.  classes were normal, although a comment made during directing sent me into rage that overshadowed the rest of the day.  dinner with mike yankoski (author of "Under the Overpass") was just what i expected (again, i fulfilled my role of "that girl who talks a lot", though i think it helped us as a group get away from that awkward, "no one knows what to say because we're strangers and you're here for this one purpose of talking about your book, which is kinda professional, but we want to connect too, which is kinda personal, so why is this so forced" conversation), then off to forensics late where the pressure was just added on, then MeTV script writing, then mini-breakdown in front of the suities.  oh, the end of the semester drag...

the ebb and flow

worked the long shift, where i had shifting emotions about the work i was doing, feeling both satisfied and disgusted.  afterwards i spent time with ben for the first time in months, which was fun, but also reminded me that that chapter of my life is over, and i don't think i'll be reading it again.  went to muggs to homework, but ended up visiting with people who compose my life now, and i was reminded of how much i appreciate them, and more about how much i appreciate the newness that accompanies this strange and transient path of life.

a day when i would be converted to feminism (if i wasn't a feminist already)

joyously slept in, lunch at irish exchange with half the suities, barely any homework, visited with work lovelies, ushered for the theatre show, and then watched a wonderful performance that made me feel liberated in the beautiful portrayal of an unorthodox ending that still left the audience satisfied.

dprvtn

day was foggy and blurry due to lack of sleep, causing me to float from class to class and off to work at chapel hill.  tried to watch a movie for leisure, but ended up falling asleep round eleven thirty...

the most i've packed into a day yet

the day was a swirl, complete with class, last minute errands and prep for life stories interview, job/advising/film/thesis meeting (all condensed into a one-hour slot of overwhelming intensity--these meetings always leave me drained because they're so challenging/encouraging in many ways), a reunion/interview with my high school english teacher (another meeting that left me drained and overwhelmed--i think i feel that way after talking with people who believe that i can be more than i think--which is simultaneously uplifting and terrifying), quick dinner before work at belden, followed by an intense all-nighter of film critiquing, comm theory critiquing, critical film viewing, life-narrative writing, and memoir reading.

a day like any other day

woke late, rushed to chapel and then to the photo lab, back to the room for last minute reading before rehearsal, off to class for a wonderful outside discussion while multiple class tours went by (i couldn't help but feel as if we were the physical manifestation of the college catalog for the prospective students), set up the tiny forensics room for rehearsal where we managed to have our first uninterrupted practice, called people and sent facebook messages pleading for quotes to fulfill my webmasterly duties, MeTV mock run-through, back to the photo lab to finish the project, read for comm theory, and now instead of staring at a blank computer document (that's supposed to hold my great insights integrating theoretical concepts and a film) i blog instead.

election day

I awoke still uncertain of whether I would vote, though as the day wore on I knew that ultimately I would feel guilty if I didn't, since Mr. Linerode (8th grade social studies) instilled in me a sense of civic duty and obligation.  Re-adjusted my schedule to incorporate the trip to EC, then spent hours in the photo lab to complete not even half of my project.  talked with Mom, who confessed to voting democrat: finally! a breakthrough! my parents sometimes listen to what I say!

it gets busy

Multiple encounters reinforced the realization that I am not in control of the universe. Forensicated the night away.

strange assortment

wanted to try a new church this morning, but my roommate bailed and some unsureness on location and starting time made me change my mind.  watched a film, cleaned, did laundry in the afternoon, before going to the mexico mission trip reunion at Tlaquepaque, which was two-hours of loud, obnoxious fun. the evening was devoted to investigating the dense and complicated world of feminist film theory.

fleece signs

competed all day: CA, POI, CA, POI, Prose, Prose, wait, watch, awards, disappointment, excitement, drive home, depression, joy, bonding, laughing, somber, exhaustion.  as i desperately seek God's presence, i realize that this whole spiritual thing is really hard.

tornadoes

up early for breakfast with tom, mallory, and new friend scott, followed by (attempted) registering for classes, discussion on traveling mercies, begging/ranting about closed out classes (for the second year in a row!!), muggswigz for a double-hazelnut-breve, visiting! like! mad! with mallory and professors, class, class, lunch with dad, off in the van for forensics.  mallory's abrupt entrance and abrupt departure left me in emotional turmoil, experiencing all sorts of longing, envy, honor, love, and all sorts of other confusing-type-things.  it's like she's a tornado, coming in as a whirlwind and then leaving the wreckage and pieces behind to be picked up once again.  i hate that we're apart.

when love comes to town

the day was overshadowed with anticipation of the evening events: a possibility to get off work early and see mallory for the first time in three months, the second time in sixth months.  made a reverse surprise by showing up for dinner, followed by a night out at joe's, and a tipsied heart-to-heart that was just as (or perhaps more so) genuine than it would have been sober. 

when one time slot opens...i fill it with more projects

Received specifics on two more giant projects, wishing the whole while that I could devote more time to them because I know they'll be worth it, directing was encouraging and delightful as we began blocking and my actors began to explore characters.  the evening was filled with shocking and exhilarating news: a) i only work 7 days in the month of November (for belden) and b) my script was selected for open frame, but i was also accepted as a director/producer for one of the sponsored films! 

when life seems

a twenty-minute advising meeting in the middle of the day sent me into a state of heightened unsurity.  alarming stats about students after they graduate at first angered me, but after a bit of reflection i was scared shitless.  what if i'm stuck here forever in some dead-end job i don't enjoy?  what if i don't take the step to pursue my goals and dreams, and instead settle for second best?  what if everything i'm doing now is pointless? it seems like a well-worn script at play that i REFUSE to give fidelity to...

old demands in disguise

the first day of the week felt like a fresh start, but was soon diminished into old demands just reappearing in different ways: rehearsal for directing instead of production meetings, film discussion on a different day, a new task to fulfilling the webpage demands, a new piece needed for forensics.  didn't get back to the room until 10, where i mixed laughing with suite-mates and paper-writing.

unproductive

wondered if i should seize the opportunity of my first sunday off in twelve weeks to go to church, but decided that since i had only gotten an average of 4 hours of sleep every night that it might be more beneficial to sleep in.  was generally unproductive all day, but excused it as much-needed down time.

self-fulfilling prophecy

Was up SUPER early, feeling really ambivalent about the long day of competition ahead.  Performed with much less gusto than i've ever done, knowing that at this tournament, with this many schools, with these unprepared speeches, i wasn't going to break anyway.  disappointment was subdued by the relief of packing up and going home a day early.

Long weekend ahead

Actually got up early and got work done from 8-12 before loading into the van and heading off for KY for the forensics tournament.  Forensics is feeling like one giant to-do list as opposed to a center for learning, fun, passion, and story-telling: I wish I could regain the excitement I once felt.

When one interaction defines the rest

A meeting halfway through the day was filled with biting humor, and as usual, a sense of things-that-must-be-done-soon, which made me less confident in my ability to accomplish everything expected of me as a student, worker, filmmaker, and friend. Was still feeling the tension when i went into "work" work, which prompted my assistant manager to call in someone to cover the last half of my shift, giving me four extra hours to attack the to-do list (which included various hw odds and ends, but more importantly speech prep and packing for the trip to Berea this weekend).

i love new toys

hit the snooze, as i'm likely to do, and ended up sleeping through chapel, though i used the time to look over my script and tweak my forensics speech.  was resentful during classes because they just keep adding MORE WORK which is totally unfair at this point in the game.  afterwards i babysat for the first time since high school, but spent a delightful hour and a half getting to know the kids.  went home and got a new snazzy computer that so far i LOVE, and then fought the rest of the evening to concentrate on homework instead of my new gadget.  i can't help it...did you know it has fingerprint identification?!  and a webcam??  and video making programs? and it looks freaking sweet??

chiseling away

how on earth can teachers possibly be introducing new projects NOW? at this time in the semester? really?!? i've seriously been wishing that i didn't need to sleep, because it would help me get so much more accomplished. tonight i regained some social life--went to the soap opera and then talked with a friend until past midnight, at which time i returned to my room to start on the large pile of insurmountable tasks to complete for tomorrow...

it goes on

Classes flew by as usual, this time in anticipation of the hours I would spend in the comm department, once again working on the speech I dreaded yesterday. After six hours (with various interruptions) I have a working rough draft of a rhetorical criticism....and a migraine, and feelings of time lost, and other neglected homework to complete, and laundry to do, and a room to clean...

pulled

looming over the entire day was the knowledge that the entire night would be devoted to understanding, critiquing, and explaining mickey martyr in a speech i wasn't thrilled about having to write in the first place. spent the evening playing the procrastination game, which ultimately means a sleep-deprived, panic-stricken, bitter-bus-riding alyssa.

off campus

worked all day again, but this time managed to read "cultural approach to organizations" during down time, which made me feel as if my time wasn't completely wasted. went home and had a homework party with connie. drank some wine for motivation, which i'm not necessarily sure was the best combination...guess we'll find out after my paper's graded.

i miss my friends

slept in LATE (the fault of mom's sleep-number bed and the black out curtains that make light impenetrable), went to work for the (yet again) hated afternoon shift, tried to invite people for a last-minute get-together that ultimately fell through. those who did show up, though, were those i most wanted to see and time was spent laughing, talking, and loving.

days are mundane

Drove my parents to the airport, and then to the grocery store to buy food for the weekend, back to the house to spend two hours lounging before off to the stupid mall until 9:30pm. It's discouraging to know that I spent my entire day within a ten foot radius.

sometimes i like to apply what i learn

It was clear that break was on the horizon as I slept in, skipped chapel, coasted through class, and the lazed away the afternoon with Connie until I traveled home into a whirlwind of emotions. Mom offered to buy me a new laptop (which meant that I had to once again give up my pursuit of a macbook and settle for a refurbished dell...but beggars can't be choosers), and after an hour of researching the best combination of memory, optical drive, operating system, etc, we placed the order and she began to feel some post-decision dissonance. Unfortunately, my warm, encouraging responses did little to ease her state of mind...

that i would be good

Though comm theory was especially stressful (felt like I had been thrown back into the realm of social-experiments conducted in groups class...this time with a larger, less familiar group which heightened my uncertainty), which led to the start of carefree chow-down in the cafeteria (of course, instantly dropping my self-esteem five points), the day ended generally well. Two back-to-back meetings with two favorite people who granted me grace and respect that I don't normally experience outside of familial relationships.

Huh. Perhaps i can be good, despite (or even in virtue of) my fallen-ness...

(Learned the value of the ellipses ending...)

Maybe? It's coming together?

I read something the other day that talked about how our stories aren't neat and tidy, and when we retell them they're not always right. Unless there's some reason to retell our experiences, they slowly fade from our memory.

And what's more, as soon as we *tell* the memory, we not longer have a memory, but a story of a memory, that is only as accurate as our first dramatization.

I'm just worried as I continue this project that I'm not capturing the stories of my life. I'm afraid that I'm telling a list of events, that I'm ultimately going to forget about despite these documented reminders.

I want to find the best way to share my life on a day-by-day basis. What happened today that was mundane and original, or surprising and wonderful? How do these elements combine into a story?

This Monday was filled like any other, classes not overwhelmed with demands, working to find my ground through this impossible point in the semester, playing catch up with other neglected (though equally important) areas of my life before a quick and dirty performance and outline of my speech followed by hours of paper writing.

My comm analysis is in its barest forms, though I felt reassured after I presented it and friends told me I was on the right path towards being a comm professor.

Somedays I'm A Little Narcissistic

today i felt like punching all those phenomenological theorists in the face. no! i will NOT approach others with an openness and a desire to know where they're coming from! i refuse to try and discover who other people really are! i will not engage in empathy! why can't they all just acknowledge ME and MY desires and MY troubles???

all this beauty

spent the day with my mom, which, like always, filled me with layers of love, adoration, respect, annoyance, frustration, and pity. today for some reason, i noticed the vanity of women, or at least the vanity present in my relationship with my mother. complaints of her body prompted my own complaints, coaxed from me through a desire for and tendency to engage in reciprocity, which ironically happened simultaneously with activities that (supposedly) help to bolster self-image, though more often offer ephemeral conceptions or confidence of beauty.

the end of...

after functioning on six hours of sleep for the entire week, i spent the afternoon in a haze. Casting didn't go so well (didn't cast any of my 'top picks'; it was so bad that the professor said "at least you'll be a really good coach to bringing out their characters"), film discussion felt long, and due to my lack of sleep and inability to think, i was unable to invest as passionately as usual, work was dull dull dull, went to bed early without accomplishing anything.

just when i thought i was gaining stability

felt that today would be less stressful than the past few, but when i got home after work i realized that the paper i turned in today was NOT due (in fact, i never had to write it at all...I'm supposed to write a paper for NEXT week) and that instead i was supposed to write an application log that was due at 9. did i mention that i realized this at midnight? when i also realized that i needed to write a critique AND read 60 pages for the next day?

yeah. so much for getting caught up and staying on task.

acceptance does not demand perfection

breakfast with audrey at 7:30 (seven-thirty!!!); verbally processed film theory; performed in the story-centered department chapel; lunch with women who care deeply about co-creating stories, investigating them, learning from them, and helping people decipher them; met with directing crew to plan day 2 auditions; intimidating film exam that I was ill-prepared to write (as I have difficulty forming coherent thoughts under a time frame); watched theatre class do ridiculous activities for the benefit of the directing class; dinner alone; task central belden village; suite cuddling; functional perspective on group decision making. wait? didn't i study this before? can't i just turn in those notes again?

generally didn't feel as if i performed to perfection, or even to adequate measures, but that the effort was accepted and recognized by people who are important to me.

when risks are good

felt generally successful even in the midst of not-getting-much-done-ness. took some risks that i think will be good in the long run as examples for applied learning (deciding on a theory about ideographs for Falafel, making an 8x10 print of a not-awesome picture, but then food-coloring the negative space to create a nice composition, practicing for oral presentation tomorrow that isn't necessarily in my comfort zone...).

Days when I'm tired of hearing the same thing

On the Monday, when i'm acutely aware of both the amount of tasks and the effort that they'll take to accomplish, I spent the first part of the day in an angry flurry, lashing out at anyone around. My favorite class did little to relieve the tension, but instead escalated my frustration through my fear and lack of preparation for the test on Wednesday. Auditions for 10-Minute-Play festival were successful, not what I expected, though lifted my mood by virtue of being full of life-giving, passionate students generally interested and invested in theatre. Switched roles of student/coach to listen to Ann's program for Joy's retirement, and thought for a second about the overarching path I'm walking, as opposed to the demands of the day. Was struck by the "magic" of the moment in such a familiar/mundane setting and wondered why I had never noticed it before. Realized that when I interact with people everyday, instead of talking, I simply relay my latest list of burdens and stress. I can't imagine what they're thinking, because frankly, I'm sick of hearing about it myself.

on sundays

Worked all day in The Kiosk, where I was bombarded by hoards of angry elderly insisting that their 25-year-old Seiko watches MUST work with the new battery because they've been so reliable for the past twenty-five years!, even though that's exactly the reason why they're not working now. Spent the evening inventing new ways of a) avoiding homework and b) engaging in self-pity (something I definitely DON'T have time for).

the opposite of two-sentences

I woke in the morning to my mother calling and asking for a ride to the Malone alumni lunch-in-the-quad event, because apparently Russ had asked her questions too early in the morning and she just agreed to let him take the jeep for the day. So I roused myself from my one-and-only-catch-up-on-sleep-day and trekked out to EC to fetch my mom.

We stopped in at Muggs (where I saw my ex-with-a-wife once again, this time with a molestache!) and bought coffees to go. Navigated Mom to the quad where she picked up her gifts (a hoard of MU merch (surprise, grumble grumble) YET surprisingly a free College blanket, which now adorns my bed) and we ate. Overall, we weren't at the event any longer than twenty minutes.

We stopped briefly into the dorm before heading back home--halfway there I realized that I had left my black and white film at school that I absolutely NEEDED for my new photography assingment/project because I was planning on taking pictures around the house. Drove BACK to Malone after about an hour of waiting for Russ to show up with the jeep (he never did; I just wasted more of my gas), and then BACK to my house for pictures.

and then I drove back to Malone once again for the homecoming dance that I wasn't really excited about anyways. I stayed for an hour, then left to go watched Spaced with a friend and his friend. Had a beer, drove to Taco Bell, and on the way back, hit a deer. I mean, the deer hit me, because that's how you phrase it for insurance purposes. Waited for the sheriff to arrive, and when he did I was asked to sit in the back of the cruiser to write out my statement. Overall, was happy he didn't administer a breathilizer test.

Left friend's house a little bitter and confused about the relationship, but instead of going to bed like i should've because I had to work Sunday morning, i visited another friend who works midnights at Speedway. Crawled into bed around 5 am.

On days like this, when life seems so distinct and separated by the events of the day, I feel obliged to document them all.

run, run, run

seems to be the most common definition of my days. life stories, convocation chapel (really? a flag, doves, strategic lighting of the emblem, "the hope of the world"?!), directing, history and theory of film, comm work, dinner, laramie project, spats and cane, finally back to the room for some late night homework. The Laramie Project was surprisingly moving. I was struck time and again by the genuineness of each character and my willingness to believe them. Got me thinking a lot about storytelling, the different forms that are more/less effective for certain stories, and the ones I should be sharing.

not much substance

working at belden took up most of my day with the dreaded 8 hour afternoon shift that sucks my life away. Went to muggs with some old friends, where I attempted to navigate that unfamiliar territory of old and new identities colliding. Finished "Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl" by Harriot Jacobs for Life Stories. Thought about what I would have been like at that time--polar fears of absolute paralysis as a slave versus domineering slaveholder. Ever wonder if you would be that person you want to be? maybe someone should make a movie where the protagonist is continually forced to acknowledge what they would be, or who they are, as opposed to their glorified constructions. maybe it's simply an idea i should digest more.

I've never been very good.

felt like i had an eternity in the morning without chapel or immediate demands for my classes. in the afternoon, all the time i thought i had to devote to various projects was slowly ripped away as I was forced to recognize other commitments. Realized that I am really bad at flirting, which gave me something to think about through the afternoon that I spent in the photo lab, attempting to make worthwhile prints, but ultimately wasted most of my time confused. Finished one of the three prints I need done by Tuesday. Went reluctantly to ME-TV, though taping was short, sweet, and to-the-point. The production meeting that followed was overall encouraging, giving me renewed fervor for the program: a feeling I haven't felt since freshman year. Watched Stagecoach with two members from my HATOF class, took notes, but didn't have as many insightful observations as I did on the last film. Was up late doing work for Friday to try and free up time for planning weekend projects so that next week won't be hell. I've never been very good at planning ahead.

For the first time...some ideas of something more

Felt surprisingly free today--not dragged down by various commitments clamoring for my time. For the first time, I felt like I had general control over my workload, though that was quickly dispelled when I went to photography class and realized that I was three prints behind. Working in the comm department was generally laid back today, as I lazed about and casually typed a few paragraphs, exhibiting complete confidence that I had no need to rush. Life Stories was stimulating as usual, though yet again I was convinced that I was talking far too much for my own good (this time possibly offending (!) other people with my far left (!) views). I was genuinely trying to be wholly open to the other perspective, though perhaps I was falling a bit too much on the rigid absolutionist side of the narrow ridge of inbetween.

a long list of events

was up and down all day, never landing on one emotion for longer than an hour. made two short films of realist and formalist nature in hatof with stephen, chris, rick, and cory. they accepted many of my ideas, which made me feel a little more validated in my attempts to join this relatively unfamiliar affinity group. worked for the comm department today, though i didn't get much done (two very well formed paragraphs!....). i'm happy that my current employer values me as a person enough to worry about the amount of hours i'm working at dakota, but his insistence that i step away fills me with certainty that i am a push-over who will always want whatever it is that makes other people happy. two members of the forensics team decided to drop their commitments, which leaves me under loads of pressure and unsure of whether this is really the best place for me. the evening was spent deciphering relational dialectics.

9/28/08

was determined to get up early and do laundry, but after my roommate's alarm went off two hours earlier than i intended to rise, i decided it would be most beneficial for me to sleep in while i still had the chance. worked the short shift at Dakota, but was reprimanded for asking for more time off. spent the evening struggling over relational dialectics, dissecting mickey martyr, reading harriot jacobs, and raging against general maintenance activities (like laundry). spent the day binging, and then feeling the accompanying guilt. read "raising eyebrows," written by a classmate, and was overcome with amazement at her talent for storytelling.

9/27/08

sleepign in this morning felt more than therapeutic--it felt like an essential three hours to restore my mind and body back to functionality. had lunch at the margarita factory for their last day open. it was both sad and enjoyable: one last look into a series of emotional fluctuations of people who i barely know, stranded, jobless, but still there out of their devotion to the patrons, not out of loyalty to the company. sludging through homework was majorly unsuccessful, but i felt good that for the most part my day was dominated by events and actions that worked towards self-affirmation in a bigger way than effectively accomplishing the demands of school. ended the night weeping.

record record

a friend and professor just ended a blog that he wrote on everyday for a year.

i didn't realize it was only supposed to be for a year when i started reading.

the point is, i read faithfully, everyday, about what was happening in his life. his writings brought me relief and challenge. they challenged me because when he squeezed his experiences down, he simplified it to the basic sensations that moved him forward. he often reflected on "big" ideas that he gained through the simplest of activities. I was always impressed by the way he was able to incorporate something more into the mundane--something i've felt incapable of. they brought me relief much the same way a good story or film can--by offering a window into the life of someone else. watching his life unfold before me through his eyes gave confirmation of the world as bigger than the individual.

some days he reflected on activities that I had been involved in. i got to read his interpretation, his involvement, how it impacted (or didn't impact) his life. in a way, i experienced that year along with him. we were co-creators of a social space wherein we both had knowledge of the past and equal anticipation of the future.

the abrupt end leaves me afraid that the connection is somehow lost. that i will never regain the assurance of humanity that he left me with.

so i'm creating my own.

this is my attempt to re-create what he did. to challenge myself to look at my day(s) as more than a series of separate events. to challenge myself to keep up with something everyday. to document my life. to tell my stories in order to make sense of my social world. to help someone else.

i'm allowing myself to write as little or as much as I want. i'm also allowing myself the choice to skip days altogether without feeling the pressure of having to play "catch up." my life is busy, and if i get behind, i don't want this being another "failure."

so if you're reading, welcome. i hope this gives you hope.

documentary.

i'm not a documentary film maker. i'm not even a documentary film watcher. i'm a story watcher. i like films that get me lost in the story. documentaries don't really do that for me.

but i'm making one.

on my own life.

my spiritual life, to be exact.

i'm feeling a little lost. not sure what i'll do to keep it visually stimulating. not sure how to thematically place it into a cohesive whole. not sure how to form my history into an enticing story so that i, and others, can make sense of it.

i'm still excited.

Screenplay Part 2

I think I wrote earlier about wanting to write a screenplay?  If not, check my other blog to read more in depth about the panic I feel.

Because I've never written a screenplay.  I don't think in a mind of screenplays.  I think in images, which is conducive to motion pictures, but that doesn't provide the dialogue, the situation, the plot, the substance.

Because not only do I have to write it, but I also plan on directing it.  Which means I'm constantly trying to think in terms of plausibility.  Producing a film last semester makes me ten times more aware of Malone's limited budget, and therefore its ability to make a short film.  

Oh, short films are made.  But it takes a lot more creativity, and sometimes a sacrifice on quality because of it.  

And besides, I don't want to make things too hard for myself.

But one thing's for sure.  I want the film to focus on women and the subtleties of women friendships.  In some cases, they can be beautiful bonding relationships that empower women and provide great depth and community.  Unfortunately, they can also be full of petty quarrels and competitions in terms of intellect, beauty, validity as a woman. 

So I'm struggling to think if I want to do three different relationships, or perhaps the same two women who are in three different situations and maybe even time periods...or....or....

lilac wine

sweet and heady.

what is it about songs that can fill you with such strong desires?

lilac wine makes me want to create.  multi-media.

lyrics, newspapers, wax, colors, paint, bold, subtle, vague but with a hint of reality.

too many pots

to water.  to many ideas to cultivate.

my stove has many backburners.

what would be the songs

to my internal playlist? what would my life be like as a musical?

what do i know

of great things?

layers of youth and uncertainty.

Notice me

written in the eyes. pleading.

Portrait

the face is large, taking the whole canvas. the nose is prominent, the biggest thing on the page. skin peachy, uneven tones. the eyes are glossy. the hair is on the fringes. the lips less than perfect. beauty in imperfection.

Writing

I'm trying to write a screenplay? I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know how to brainstorm, what makes a good story....and I'm not a very good writer. :/

Open Sphere

I've been incredibly inspired by my theology class. I'm not sure why, or what it is, but the way my professor describes things strikes me with vivid images.

The last one I remember deals with the Creation. I'd like to create a visualization of how Genesis describes it...

Autobiography

While working on an assignment for broadcasting (biography on Walter Cronkite), I imagined how amusing it would be to write my own autobiography. And while mine was slightly inappropriate (joking that I would turn it into a romance novel for all those completely non-sensual moments that I've had in my life), it caused bouts of laughter anyways.

And then it struck me that it would make an interesting (probably comedy) movie: someone writing their own autobiography -- trying to make their life interesting, even though it's very mundane. It would be interspersed with scenes of their dramatized versions next to the REAL version of the story.

art

I've really been wishing that I could make art lately. I miss that time when I had art class.

Sometimes I get overwhelming urges to just create, which is always unfortunate during the semester (especially when I don't have a creative outlet class) because I never have any time that I can dedicate to artwork.

Lately I've been really inspired by Biblical themes for pieces of art...unfortunately, I didn't write the one down.

I do recall one particular image that has stuck with me, and it's a metaphorical representation of Jesus from the book of Revelation. I want to recreate the scene where the slaughtered lamb breaks the seals that represent history. It sounds slightly morbid, but I don't want it to be. I want it to be half black, opening (almost as if in mid transition from a movie or something) into a very cartoonish representation.

The other day, I also wanted to paint birds in v-formation. I'm not saying that I'm suddenly fascinated by ornithology, but I wanted to get the sky with the birds and....whatever.

Elevator

I've been harboring ideas again, and not writing them down when I think them. (This is me reprimanding myself.) Consequently, a few things that I've wanted to remember are gone. Hopefully just for the time being.

Anyway, this is just something I want to remember. Mallory and Annaliese went to an art show the other night and had a rather amusing encounter with a mutual friend's mother. It would also be HILARIOUS to see in a movie.

Okay, so Mallory and Annaliese are in the elevator, leaving the show. And the woman starts coming towards them, so they hold the door for her. She approaches them and says, very slowly and eccentrically, "Ladies, take it from a woman who has lived through the sixties....and the fifties....you can always dress cheesy. But never, ever let yourselves....be easy."

Both, struggling to find the right response, give a very sincere "thank you."

Pause.

She looks at them and screams, "it's a joke!"

"Oh! ha! ha?"

She walks away, then turns back around and shouts, "To the cheese man!"

The elevator doors close over Mallory and Annaliese's stricken faces.

Wading. Rushing. Fighting.

my mind is not a cesspool of new and innovative ideas.

my mind is a domain for brief, fleeting ideas that come and go as often as the wind.

when I finally find a good one, it's most often gone before I get to dwell on it.

hopefully this blog will help me grasp onto those thoughts, tame them, hone them, develop them into something better--or worse--than they are.

if nothing else, at least they won't be forgotten.

Moses

I want to make artwork of the burning bush.

my heart beats so that i can hardly speak

The bit the other day about forensics got me thinking about heaven and the common interpretations. The categorical representation usually includes halos, white robes, and big, fluffy clouds.

But what if heaven looks more like, I dunno, a chill bar scene? Or a classroom? Or a forensics match? Maybe heaven is different for each person.

I think those images would be great to explore. Literally ask people their idea of heaven and make it for them (not heaven, of course....just the picture).

face-to-face

This image came to me walking in the rain the other day. As a friend and I walked past the glass walls of the Akron library, we saw our reflection walking beside us. Glancing at our feet in the windows, there was another reflection of our legs in the rain on the sidewalk. Up, down, glide, connect. Up-down-glide-connect. It was really cool. (how's that for a juvenile and anti-climactic description?)

What struck me is an image of myself holding myself up. As if with every step I took, there was another just like me walking (upside down, of course) with me. And we were mutually dependent on each other.

What would happen if that person wasn't there anymore? What if I went to take a step, and instead of placing my foot on solid ground, I fell through and came face-to-face with my other self, wounded and unable to support me?

The only way to walk is to carefully watch and make sure the other is placing their foot with as much precision as I am.

It could be a look into the importance of self-reliance or something, too. Although i don't know how much I believe that living well consists of being utterly confident in myself. Where would be the need for God?

Ah, well. It's an image that intrigued me.

Heaven

Rough transcript of a conversation that happened earlier today, that Ann so nicely requested I post online so it's 'published.'

Mallory: I wish all of our conversations were transcribed so that then we could read them later and use them for forensics pieces.
Alyssa: Well, we'll get to read them all in the book of life.
M: And there's forensics in heaven?
A: Of course. It's heaven.
M: Although, I wouldn't want to go up against Gabriel, the messenger of God.
A: Right. "Oh no! Gabriel's in my next round! And Jesus is judging!!"

[time elapses]

A: Although, Paul's in my round after that, and we know he's not all that hot.
M: Right! I mean, his letters are so big they hardly fit in his book! And Peter's always speaking in tongues.
A: And that only works in program.

Wading. Rushing. Fighting.

This is my ideas blog.

Broad enough, yes?

I was originally going to limit it solely to ideas of film-making, but what I think I'll do is just put thoughts on here that I don't want to forget, that I want to reflect on later, or that are just plain fun.

So I wrote a little blurb to myself about what this blog was. Here's what I came up with:

wading through a current of rushing thoughts, fighting to take hold.

wading, rushing, fighting.

more on this later.