decision?

I reluctantly drove to Belden Village during the worst time of the year in order to clock in and repair watches for eight hours.  All day I was looking forward to The Justin Project at muggs--which was all I had hoped.  Engaged in conversation that didn't completely (though at some points, inevitably) revolve around school/work, which was a wonderful relief.  At midnight, Erik stopped by--which was the first time I had seen him in at least two months--and we spent time visiting in that superficial way of knowing that there are more serious issues hidden beneath the surface that neither are going to acknowledge. 

the ebb and flow

worked the long shift, where i had shifting emotions about the work i was doing, feeling both satisfied and disgusted.  afterwards i spent time with ben for the first time in months, which was fun, but also reminded me that that chapter of my life is over, and i don't think i'll be reading it again.  went to muggs to homework, but ended up visiting with people who compose my life now, and i was reminded of how much i appreciate them, and more about how much i appreciate the newness that accompanies this strange and transient path of life.

the most i've packed into a day yet

the day was a swirl, complete with class, last minute errands and prep for life stories interview, job/advising/film/thesis meeting (all condensed into a one-hour slot of overwhelming intensity--these meetings always leave me drained because they're so challenging/encouraging in many ways), a reunion/interview with my high school english teacher (another meeting that left me drained and overwhelmed--i think i feel that way after talking with people who believe that i can be more than i think--which is simultaneously uplifting and terrifying), quick dinner before work at belden, followed by an intense all-nighter of film critiquing, comm theory critiquing, critical film viewing, life-narrative writing, and memoir reading.

tornadoes

up early for breakfast with tom, mallory, and new friend scott, followed by (attempted) registering for classes, discussion on traveling mercies, begging/ranting about closed out classes (for the second year in a row!!), muggswigz for a double-hazelnut-breve, visiting! like! mad! with mallory and professors, class, class, lunch with dad, off in the van for forensics.  mallory's abrupt entrance and abrupt departure left me in emotional turmoil, experiencing all sorts of longing, envy, honor, love, and all sorts of other confusing-type-things.  it's like she's a tornado, coming in as a whirlwind and then leaving the wreckage and pieces behind to be picked up once again.  i hate that we're apart.

all this beauty

spent the day with my mom, which, like always, filled me with layers of love, adoration, respect, annoyance, frustration, and pity. today for some reason, i noticed the vanity of women, or at least the vanity present in my relationship with my mother. complaints of her body prompted my own complaints, coaxed from me through a desire for and tendency to engage in reciprocity, which ironically happened simultaneously with activities that (supposedly) help to bolster self-image, though more often offer ephemeral conceptions or confidence of beauty.