Feeling so spiritual that you doubt its authenticity

I met with Andrew in the afternoon to discuss my shitty seven research questions and my new shitty dialogue for my script. Overall, he was impressed (sort of) with the questions, and then not-so-much about the dialogue. Which I felt okay about, though not-so-okay about the new deadlines he has given me for both projects. The rest of the afternoon was dedicating to wrapping up a very insightful (HA!) spiritual autobiography that ended up constituting two pages. After storyboarding, I was once again excited about the project, and more so about the implications for my spirituality.

happy to be wrong

With a little help from Russ, I convinced Mom to meet me for lunch, where she showed up with a new coat for me!  The Revolving Doors writing meeting made me fear that they would soon regret inviting me to be a head writer (due to my lack of innovative and creative ideas), which left me feeling all self-deprecating and such (surprise!), so I went to get my hair done to feel better.  The salon closed at 5, so I went back to the room and wasted time before driving to Andrew's for class documentary-watching.  King of Kong was great, but a comment made in teasing upset me more personally than it should and I reacted strongly in anger.  I drove home fuming, only to receive an apology in my inbox, disproving my earlier beliefs about the person's intended effects. 

when interactions with people are more memorable than the work done

In class:
"Do you think you're different cultures?"

At lunch:
"I have crew hours."

Building stuff:
"How should we lift this cake?"
"Let me help."
"Okay, well, we need to tilt it now."
"We clearly didn't think this through."
"Why don't you move the couch and split the curtain?? I can't believe it's taking that many of you to do that. I could do it on my own!!"

LAUGH LAUGH HEE-HAW! "He kept trying to get me to drink a beer, while he was already halfway through a twelve pack!"

In one of those dense meetings:
"This is a new episode."

"Maybe he is threatened because you're a woman, and you're strong and independent. But I think this touches a tenuous chord because it's projecting a knowledge that you might not want to adopt here at Malone."
"Yeah. Ever. And I've unfortunately had to do a lot of that this semester."

"Your spiritual autobiography doesn't have to be a victory story."

With Tyler:
"She said that?!"

"I was hoping Melanee would be here so we could compare beards."

At a writers' meeting:
"Can he please have an eye patch???"

"Let's make a revolving doors calendar--that could be our publicity!"

the most i've packed into a day yet

the day was a swirl, complete with class, last minute errands and prep for life stories interview, job/advising/film/thesis meeting (all condensed into a one-hour slot of overwhelming intensity--these meetings always leave me drained because they're so challenging/encouraging in many ways), a reunion/interview with my high school english teacher (another meeting that left me drained and overwhelmed--i think i feel that way after talking with people who believe that i can be more than i think--which is simultaneously uplifting and terrifying), quick dinner before work at belden, followed by an intense all-nighter of film critiquing, comm theory critiquing, critical film viewing, life-narrative writing, and memoir reading.

When one interaction defines the rest

A meeting halfway through the day was filled with biting humor, and as usual, a sense of things-that-must-be-done-soon, which made me less confident in my ability to accomplish everything expected of me as a student, worker, filmmaker, and friend. Was still feeling the tension when i went into "work" work, which prompted my assistant manager to call in someone to cover the last half of my shift, giving me four extra hours to attack the to-do list (which included various hw odds and ends, but more importantly speech prep and packing for the trip to Berea this weekend).

that i would be good

Though comm theory was especially stressful (felt like I had been thrown back into the realm of social-experiments conducted in groups class...this time with a larger, less familiar group which heightened my uncertainty), which led to the start of carefree chow-down in the cafeteria (of course, instantly dropping my self-esteem five points), the day ended generally well. Two back-to-back meetings with two favorite people who granted me grace and respect that I don't normally experience outside of familial relationships.

Huh. Perhaps i can be good, despite (or even in virtue of) my fallen-ness...

(Learned the value of the ellipses ending...)

record record

a friend and professor just ended a blog that he wrote on everyday for a year.

i didn't realize it was only supposed to be for a year when i started reading.

the point is, i read faithfully, everyday, about what was happening in his life. his writings brought me relief and challenge. they challenged me because when he squeezed his experiences down, he simplified it to the basic sensations that moved him forward. he often reflected on "big" ideas that he gained through the simplest of activities. I was always impressed by the way he was able to incorporate something more into the mundane--something i've felt incapable of. they brought me relief much the same way a good story or film can--by offering a window into the life of someone else. watching his life unfold before me through his eyes gave confirmation of the world as bigger than the individual.

some days he reflected on activities that I had been involved in. i got to read his interpretation, his involvement, how it impacted (or didn't impact) his life. in a way, i experienced that year along with him. we were co-creators of a social space wherein we both had knowledge of the past and equal anticipation of the future.

the abrupt end leaves me afraid that the connection is somehow lost. that i will never regain the assurance of humanity that he left me with.

so i'm creating my own.

this is my attempt to re-create what he did. to challenge myself to look at my day(s) as more than a series of separate events. to challenge myself to keep up with something everyday. to document my life. to tell my stories in order to make sense of my social world. to help someone else.

i'm allowing myself to write as little or as much as I want. i'm also allowing myself the choice to skip days altogether without feeling the pressure of having to play "catch up." my life is busy, and if i get behind, i don't want this being another "failure."

so if you're reading, welcome. i hope this gives you hope.