gently navigating the past while still tying to construct the present

Melanee and I fulfilled our duty as the EC fag-hags and had lunch with our corresponding counterparts--Zach and Tyler.  I came home and cleaned all night--sorted through past eras first physically, then emotionally as Alyssa and I failed to connect with a previously close friend.

happy to be wrong

With a little help from Russ, I convinced Mom to meet me for lunch, where she showed up with a new coat for me!  The Revolving Doors writing meeting made me fear that they would soon regret inviting me to be a head writer (due to my lack of innovative and creative ideas), which left me feeling all self-deprecating and such (surprise!), so I went to get my hair done to feel better.  The salon closed at 5, so I went back to the room and wasted time before driving to Andrew's for class documentary-watching.  King of Kong was great, but a comment made in teasing upset me more personally than it should and I reacted strongly in anger.  I drove home fuming, only to receive an apology in my inbox, disproving my earlier beliefs about the person's intended effects. 

that i would be good

Though comm theory was especially stressful (felt like I had been thrown back into the realm of social-experiments conducted in groups class...this time with a larger, less familiar group which heightened my uncertainty), which led to the start of carefree chow-down in the cafeteria (of course, instantly dropping my self-esteem five points), the day ended generally well. Two back-to-back meetings with two favorite people who granted me grace and respect that I don't normally experience outside of familial relationships.

Huh. Perhaps i can be good, despite (or even in virtue of) my fallen-ness...

(Learned the value of the ellipses ending...)

record record

a friend and professor just ended a blog that he wrote on everyday for a year.

i didn't realize it was only supposed to be for a year when i started reading.

the point is, i read faithfully, everyday, about what was happening in his life. his writings brought me relief and challenge. they challenged me because when he squeezed his experiences down, he simplified it to the basic sensations that moved him forward. he often reflected on "big" ideas that he gained through the simplest of activities. I was always impressed by the way he was able to incorporate something more into the mundane--something i've felt incapable of. they brought me relief much the same way a good story or film can--by offering a window into the life of someone else. watching his life unfold before me through his eyes gave confirmation of the world as bigger than the individual.

some days he reflected on activities that I had been involved in. i got to read his interpretation, his involvement, how it impacted (or didn't impact) his life. in a way, i experienced that year along with him. we were co-creators of a social space wherein we both had knowledge of the past and equal anticipation of the future.

the abrupt end leaves me afraid that the connection is somehow lost. that i will never regain the assurance of humanity that he left me with.

so i'm creating my own.

this is my attempt to re-create what he did. to challenge myself to look at my day(s) as more than a series of separate events. to challenge myself to keep up with something everyday. to document my life. to tell my stories in order to make sense of my social world. to help someone else.

i'm allowing myself to write as little or as much as I want. i'm also allowing myself the choice to skip days altogether without feeling the pressure of having to play "catch up." my life is busy, and if i get behind, i don't want this being another "failure."

so if you're reading, welcome. i hope this gives you hope.