and this, my friends, marks the end...

of my one-year endeavor.

What I anticipate to be a Sunday tradition, I spent all day in front of my computer attempting to finish, or at least make significant headway, on my paper due in just a few days, stressing, agonizing, procrastinating, sweating, envying, and mostly self-doubting. Struck once again by taking quick glances around and noticing the sluggish pace at which I work, I convinced myself of my inevitable failure in this programme, and tried to fight it--though ultimately was unsuccessful--with diligence and perseverance.

And as I recognize the end of this experience, I feel mostly as if I've not fulfilled it adequately. I never actually wrote two sentences a day, but updated in heaps of three or four or sometimes ten, looking back and fighting to remember, not letting myself rise above the sometimes overwhelming current of the quotidian.

Andrew's last blog summed up the experience with much more articulateness than I think I could ever muster, and so I lead you there to read his profound reflections.

Regardless of my resignations, I did update (mostly) everyday. And I did attempt to be as faithful as possible in an interesting way. It did challenge me to look harder and with more significance. It made my days seem so full of potential.

I hope I can look back later and appreciate it more than my current state allows me.

When that day comes, you may anticipate a cheerier farewell post...

[...]

but at least I'm getting exercise, right?

In the middle of the day excitement roused itself in the form of a (normally terrifying) white van with no windows, which was actually the delivery truck for backontrax.co.uk--a traveling bike shop which makes deliveries in the Oxford area. I forked over my 65 GBP for my Margarita (her name), and later that evening took her out for a test run over to Crick for another movie night. Unfortunately, I feel not at all relieved about the bike decision, considering that my ass is still in pain, and the extreme soreness from just attempting (not even close to succeeding) to ride up Headington Hill. Remember that post from a few months ago? Probably would've been the better idea...

the weekend

It never ceases to bring me joy--the hope of the weekend. This particular Friday, though overall overshadowed by the daunting research-laden papers all 60 of us are trudging to complete, still did not lessen the relief on the faces surrounding me as we exited our final lecture of the day. Time is infinite! they seem to say. While we tell each other things like, "I need to finish a big chunk of writing this afternoon," at the moment we're content to sit on fluffy furniture at our tiny oasis in the city centre and talk about about food and traveling and anything!--for longer than we should, because the liminality we find ourselves in is just too good to give up so soon.

swashbuckling adventure

Again, we had the great opportunity of fieldtripping out to some historical and beautiful place, today going to Portchester (a fort) and then over to Portsmouth to the Royal Naval Museum, where we explored the HMS Victoria (from which the English hero Nelson commanded the Battle of Trafalgar), the HMS Warrior (all steel?), and saw the Mary Rose Museum (about King Henry VIII's beloved ship that sank, but was later recovered and explored for its historical treasures). It truly felt as if I was part of a different world, and when we rode back to The Vines, I continued to wonder at the fact that truly! I'm living in England!

making the most

Our tiny, least often gathering food group of awkward outcasts rejected from the huge food group that takes over the kitchen every night finally fought its way in to make an indian curry dish over rice with chopped vegetables, and we circled the table in the midst of chaos surrounding us, and felt perhaps a profound sense of discomfort mixed with appreciation to not be doing it alone any longer. In whom do I invest? Where should I spend my time? How do I fix this weird ache that rises and subsides depending on the situation and the day?

my only complaint thus far

stupid english sinks, originally uploaded by aussie259772.

I would like to draw your attention to the sign on the mirror. It says, "Danger Very Hot Water" behind the hot water tap. You have no idea how angry this makes me. Almost all the sinks I've encountered here have this--the two separate faucets for hot and cold water, which is most inconvenient when I'm trying to comfortably wash my hands. Because on the one hand (literally) is freezing water, and the other is DANGEROUSLY hot water. In America, we have invented the one spigot sink, where you can easily create a warm, but not scalding, medium, advantageous for many reasons. I was prepared to deal with the silly two-spigot awkwardness, until at the bathroom of the English Faculty Library, they had to parade their different-ness right in front of me with this damn sign! Just put the two together! I wanted to shout. Join them, and then this sign would be unneeded, and I wouldn't have to worry about acquiring third degree burns!

This has enraged me to such a degree, that I am posting my disgust on all three of my semi-regular blogs.

Unremarkable day: Ineffective person*

Having finished my first assignment, I granted myself a "break" day--napping, journaling, and hanging out with a particular group I'm determined to integrate myself into. Mostly I just sat around while they started their research for the next case study already, and discouraged, yet still unmotivated, I meandered up to bed.

*original title from recordrecord

The weird thing is, all three of my roommates and I finished at the same time, with almost exact topics, without even knowing...

It was crunch time, so I devoted the entirety of my day to finishing research and constructing arguments and being scholarly. Half way through the day, desirous of a change in environment, my roommates and I set off in search of a coffee shop, only to find out that the few around close extremely early, so we ended up at a pub, with beer and chips, and worked furiously (freely) on our research. Once I hit 1200 words (of the 2250), I walked back home feeling confident that I was halfway there--but alas, I still didn't finish until 5 am.... I need to break this habit quickly.

Despite my non-productivity, I felt rejuvenated and comfortable.

I hardly got any work done on my case study, because all day I was anticipating a skype-date reunion with Dan, Meredith, Chris, and Nate. At 5 pm Oxford time, 6 pm Paris time, 12 pm Canton time, and 11 am Chicago time (and actually 9 am LA time for Steve...who chose to sleep in rather than join us, though he was included in the planning...), we convened on the interwebs to talk and laugh and rejoice. After almost two hours, I left the conversation to walk to Crick and watch The Remains of the Day and eat sweet meats.

so i told creepy stories all evening

I was trying to remember every experience of walking home from the library, burning it into my mind, getting ready to write and share and remember the entirety of these English streets, and while lost in thoughts I was approached and propositioned by a creepy, fifty-ish, toothless, English man. While I'm sure taking a ride on this man's bike up Headington Hill would have been an interesting experience, I declined the offer, and eventually had to dart through the park in order to avoid another awkward interaction with the now waiting for me, staring at me man. Just as I rounded the street home, a group of housemates invited me to a bbq at a real English person's house, and how could I do anything but accept the offer to integrate with real natives?!

procrastination is a trait that i don't think I'll ever be free from

skyped with friends. avoided writing my case study on Queen Boudicca.

not that consoling

We had our first food group meal. Our junior deans made lasagna, and during dinner as we shared random stories, and I was continually interrupted and corrected, I just had to think, "Man, I'm glad I'm not that girl."

I will walk forever.

I was invited to have tea (which turned into beer, because even though we have tea all the time, we don't actually know where to go to be served tea, but pubs are everywhere) with a girl from Crick road after a hard-core study session at the Bodleian. We walked to get Oxford school supplies, a Cornwall Pasty, mail, and then I walked over to her house with her. I spent about a half hour in their kitchen, longing for the close knit community they've already built (aided no doubt by their lessened numbers and more confined living space), before I had to head home before the park closed (which shortens my walk to one of 35ish minutes, instead of the 50 it would take the long way 'round). I'm trying very hard to convince myself of the benefits of living at The Vines...

new habits

Walked to Wycliffe for our ritual viewing, tea, lecture, lunch series, learned about "King Death"--which very much suited our grim expectations. We had our first seminar discussion over Margery Kempe, and then I trudged to the Oxford research library, the Bodleian, for the first time.

slowly

Sam hosted tea over at Crick Road, so I meandered my way over halfway through the day and tried to blend in with the crowds of cliquey students, and mostly managed to be awkward. At least I made a funny joke about the syphilis stigma we've attributed to our history lessons.

London

Saw everything! Buckingham Palace, Parliament, Big Ben, Trafalgar Square, Piccadilly Circus... and learned that basically all ancient stories of the Britons end in either murder or syphilis.

conversational deprivation

On my way home from Frewin Court, Simon (our senior tutor) asked me how things were going. Unbeknownst to him, he opened an emotional volcano that erupted at the first prodding, and so he sat and talked with me for two hours. He didn't do much other than listen and ask questions, but I felt so refreshed walking home, that I realized all I've needed is to do that which I love most--TALK to someone, share a story, engage in conversation.

i wish i made friends faster.

Even though we got to do really great things and got to see really awesome historical world attractions with privileges, I felt forlorn. You're supposed to share these moments with the people whom you love and care for...not jaunt off by yourself and expect to have a jolly good time without them.

as uneventful as things can get at Oxford

Our last day of orientation was much the same as it has been, and I really appreciate mid-morning tea to wake me up after viewing hour long segments of British history (which is quite brutal...). In the evening, I tried to integrate myself into community by walking with Carl and Christine over to the house at Crick road, but we mostly just read at the library and then walked home.

these days are bound to happen sooner or later. let's get 'em over with.

Another day of orientation, and another afternoon walking around Oxford.  This time, I had no company, mostly to my own choosing, because I felt ostracized from the groups that have seemed already to have formed, and so I wallowed in my own self-pity as I trekked up Headington Hill.  Spent the evening alone in my room, decorating the room with pictures of home, writing letters home, and wishing that I wasn't so bad at making new friends.

tea is like rocket fuel--apparently that's an idiom here in england

The first day of orientation was packed full of activity, as such events normally are, so after the 40 minute walk to campus, followed by tea, some talking, more tea, and more talking, we had a photo scavenger hunt to find key places around Oxford. We walked around the entire city centre for two hours, followed up with tea at Frewin court, and then Sam showed Christine and I over to the Primark to search for rain gear. After the walk home, some water, and some dinner, I crashed at the early hour of 9 pm.

if I don't lose weight from all this walking, there's something wrong with me.

I walked on my blistered feet 40 minutes to church this morning, at St. Mary the Virgin Anglican church, where there was a phenomenally liberal sermon, given by a woman, about women, and I enjoyed her candor, though not necessarily the rest of the programme's insistence that I would most clearly have enjoyed it the most because I'm in gender studies.  Feminism=bad, still, even here (not in the real Oxford, just this part of it).  We walked to Tesco mart for groceries, and then got lost on the way back, so I had blisters, gangrene hands from grocery bags cutting off circulation, and sweaty church clothes.  Afternoon tea at Crick road was lovely, but once again I dreaded the 40 minute walk back home.  

I have blisters the size of Texas. I hope I don't die this term.

I slept in to recover from the jet lag, and then dallied around until our bbq in mid-afternoon, where we met the people who live over in Crick Road. After drooling a bit over the unattainable but super cute with an accent British man, a group of us went out to The Eagle and Child (where the Inklings would meet) and had a genuine English beer.

I love the first day of meeting people, when everyone feels obligated to say "I'm kidding" after all sarcastic comments.

Travels to The Vines was overwhelming--customs in the airport landed me in the longest line on earth, the terminal trains were confusing and i almost boarded the wrong one, the lift to the central bus station was crammed, and the "queue" for coach tickets was ridiculously long (and I didn't know that I could've just gone up and bought one from the driver instead of waiting in line!).  The coach driver was surprisingly mean, and so I kept my silence for the duration of the ride, until I had to trek my luggage down the lane for an eternity to my house.  I checked in, napped, unpacked, and then had dinner and fellowship with my housemates--playing "pictaphone" (which I have previously known as paper telephone) for hours, laughing, breaking the ice, and trying to not be socially awkward.

In Limbo

I spent the majority of the day at the Detroit airport, having left home, waiting to fly to Heathrow. My life felt suspended, surreal--not just because I stand on the verge of a new adventure, but because life outside of airports doesn't seem real. I felt like everyone else's lives must've stopped as well, they were waiting along with me, and instead they were speeding along into their semesters, lives, without me. Days of travel aren't the best to build up comfort...

these emotions just keep replaying themselves: transitions don't necessarily make for good blog-reading

Some final goodbyes, some last minute film watching, finishing up a bit of film editing, and one last hurrah at ferraro's. Hugs, well wishes, and traveling mercies abounded, along with my own gut-wrenching emotional turmoil that left me unable to fully appreciate neither the place I've come from, nor the place I'm going..

a day

7--wake and begin the daunting task of packing.
9--blog about my distaste of packing.
10--leave for Malone. Car almost overheats.
10:30--thesis meeting, where conversation was sporadic and rich and enough to make me more than a little reluctant about leaving so many of my favorite people/profs/friends.
11:30--run into a ridiculous amount of technical difficulties surrounding my reelate project, including a non-responsive hard-drive, a corrupted hard-drive, an unbalanced computer, a camera that won't ground, a program that won't capture, and audio that sucks.
12:30--actually start capturing video.
1:30--leave for lunch, leaving the camera to record background music of the same genre that plays in Deloris's store.
2--return, and continue editing.
2:30--mildly panic about the excess in length of my reelate film, track Andrew down, and whine about my stuck-ness. Receive a promise of a view and advice. Return to the editing suite.
3:30--run to the mall to pick up socks and dress pants.
4:30--hang out in Connie's room and get an awesome going-away gift.
5:30--show Andrew my reelate film, receive brutal cutting suggestions. Continue editing.
7--Malone Media informational meeting. Follow-up with more reelate discussion, some funny anecdotes, and a surprise turn up from Nate and Meredith.
8:30--show reelate to Nate and Meredith. Get told it's boring. Feel deflated for the remainder of the evening.
10--leave for home, afraid to stay out too late with a dying vehicle.
11--picked up by Meredith to go to Muggswigz.
12--return home to continue the daunting task of packing.

Overall, feel appreciative of some people's modification of normal interactions to indulge these last few days, and resent the refusal of some people to acknowledge the emotions that accompany it.

The first day of school (kind of).

I felt a mix of belonging and an urge to leave--a sense of incompleteness and a desire for something else. I found myself in and out of routines, in familiar and new places, and all the while knew that it wasn't real. Not for me. Not yet. I'm destined for something bigger--right?

gendered language

It's weird whenever I'm in a women's clothing shop, or sitting in a car with two other women, or at work waiting on women, how quickly we jump into "lady talk" (terminology? I don't know the exact way one would describe it, but you know what I mean)--topics that range from men, to menstrual cycles, bra sizes, gyno visits, cosmo magazine, babies and children expectations, small animal coddling, etc. My mom has never really indulged this type of conversation topic with anyone, and so it's almost a foreign language to me--I get awkward and weird because it's embarrassing and strange, though I'm acutely aware of my inability to escape its presence (because there's like this pact that exists among women? like by being a woman there's an invitation for other women to discuss these things? I'm sure something similar exists for men, too...).

Well, today I had the pleasure of experiencing two very different sides of my mother--as first she engaged in such lady talk with both me and Jasmine (the girl who everyone thinks is my twin at work?!), and then ten minutes later she performed some miracle work on the broken down car (because she used to be a diesel mechanic!). I was baffled as she discussed wrenches and torque-age and cylinders and held a completely competent conversation in yet another foreign tongue.

nostalgic tendencies

Nate, Meredith, and I went to breakfast at the local mom-and-pop diner (where I ran into my great-grandma Shearer), and then over to the yuppie park in Louisville, and then to the Main Event at Malone. I jumped through different phases of my life, as I comfortably ordered my gravy-covered hash-browns from the local waitress, and explained to my company that that's what we do out here in the count-tray, went over to the new-when-i-was-twelve-but-currently-in-disarray playground and told hide-and-seek, biking expedition, and babysitting stories, and then took my time-traveling friends to where we once felt a belonging, but are all separately drifting away from--though ultimately drifting in different directions together. Does that make sense?

busy day

Flirtatious conversations kept my mood elevated as navigated the ever expanding to-do list before leaving for oxford. My last minute going-away party was fun, easy, relaxed, though ultimately unconvincing.

getting ahead of myself

In a desperate attempt to quell the panic building inside me as I prepare to leave my current country of residence, I moved various "home" things into the dorm that I will occupy when I return in order to be able to cling to something that I can still call my own--something I can come back to. Unfortunately, I the amazingness of this past year feels greatly diminished, and I anticipate continually fighting against the growing realization that my time at malone is coming to an end.

oxford, england, europe, world--here i come.

I downloaded skype, and five minutes later received a call from Chris DeMichel in France! He took me to the window to show me downtown Paris, held up an Eiffel Tower trinket he got for free, and offered general encouragement. I took it as a sign that I also finished my giant two-year endeavored journal, just in time for this new adventure.

obligations

Took Amber's shift at work just to have one last opportunity to work with Jasmine, and afterwards shot over to Malone for a reelate meeting. Witty banter, good friends, and the promise of fulfillment kept me afloat throughout the general discouragement I felt.

similar stories

Despite Justin's insistence that he wouldn't be needing a Ferraro's free birthday dinner because he wouldn't be anywhere near the restaurant on his birthday, at midnight on the 25th (though in this case it marks my entry for the 24th), he found himself at one of the outside tables on the patio of this 24 hour cafe. We got a free smiley cookie with a candle in its forehead from the lovely ladies who serve us on a regular basis. A few hours later, tired, but trying to relish the last few nights of summer left, we dissipated into the night.

perhaps i would have been better served at home alone

With three hours of sleep, I trudged into work and nodded off while talking to my coworker. Met group 1 after rehearsal, and watched a Nine Lives at my place, feeling oddly conscious of my reactions, the aesthetic distance, and the cinematography.

ambiguity serves best in this medium

Seeing it stabbed my heart in a way I never anticipated. Conversation did nothing the heal the hurt of any of the present parties. An embrace seared my memory. Tears ran continually the entire way home.

the future freaks me out

Morning planning Europe session at the Dripolator, lunch at An Apple a Day, an art exhibit of The Freaks of Asheville, graffiti covered alleys, high fidelity record shop, Malaprop's book store, Woolworth's art museum, tears in the Basilica, a huge drum circle, a trip to the roof, a couple on the parking garage across the way, the chocolate lounge, lasagna at midnight, late night phone calls home.

a mixture of delight, despair, anticipation, anxiety, apprehension (alliteration?)...

mostly dread.

when narratives do not render coherence and fidelity

I thought sharing serious and philosophy-altering stories would bond and bring us together, but instead my heartfelt attempt to express sympathy and empathy just reminded me of how stupid I was, how stupid I am, and how I always fuck things up. Flippant words, brief understanding, and emotional separation was what drove the night into a messy depression laden room where I felt miles away from where my expectations had carried me.

warm confusion

Rode with Nate down to NC, making a pit stop at Tamarack to see the best of WV, and finally making it to the boy's house at around 5. A trip downtown, an official Cosmo, a cigarette inside!, and expedition to Jon's house--where we had a wonderful home-cooked dinner and wine.

not comfortable

A phone call in the afternoon reminding me that I will always be second best did nothing but redouble my efforts to move up on the list, despite the omniscience experience has given me about these situations and these feelings and the inevitable consequences of it all. I stayed in for the night and had a bitter argument with mom about bills, all the while cursing money and the strange power it reigns with.

pretty normal

Worked, and then went to muggs and ferraros with nate, paul, bethany, and justin. anticipated the next night, which would be the night before a vacation, a beginning, and a reunion.

tyler time

Worked a two-hour shift, watched My Girl with Meredith at her new house (and cried for the 80 millionth time this week), and then came home to dive into thesis work.  After writing a paragraph, I was annoyed by the constant traffic in and out of my working area (our new deck) by my parents finishing some landscaping work around the house, so I called Tyler and spent a lovely evening driving aimlessly around Massillon and Canton.

tires, movies, friends, pie

Didn't make it to the all day workshop for reelate because I was supposed to get new tires (which also didn't happen--yay for procrastinating in real life in addition to school work things), but did get to see Public Enemies at the dollar theatre with Meredith, Jon, and Nate. Met Paul at Ferraro's afterwards for pie and coffee, and was generally met with the same apprehensions that plagued me at the end of our last meeting.

dueling realities

After work, I spent an hour journaling at Muggswigz, and then went to see (500) Days of Summer alone. With a bag of popcorn buttery goodness, I tried to lose myself in the movie, but thesis thinking kept creeping in, which made me feel guilty for not spending more time perfecting the work I've already done or writing the introduction that still needs to be added before I can send it to my committee. At Lydia's going away party, all I could think about was my own fast-approaching departure, the books that I still need to read, the film I still need to finish, the packing/cleaning to be done, and a thousand other menial tasks that seem impossible to complete before take off...

when our tools turn against us

On my way to work, my car blew a tire and left me stranded, late, and completely incapable of fixing the problem myself. With the help of some strangers and a classmate, I was on my way, but not without shedding a few tears at the frustration of feeling helpless and fearful that at any moment my faithful car would stop working altogether. While at work, I was determined to not let this one average event become colossal enough to ruin the rest of my day, but unfortunately I spilled coffee (again!) and broke a customer's watch and from there my mood escalated into an angry mess.

perhaps i'm trying to fulfill the entire comm arts mission statement in one sitting

Requested by my mom to come home after work instead of staying out until the wee hours of the morning, we drove around fulfilling many errands and then had quality time at a favorite bar. Sitting, sipping, talking, weeping--we had one of the most truthful and heartfelt conversations of our relationship. And while the demons of her past and the demons of my present don't necessarily coincide, and neither is everything healed or even finished being discussed, we're at least on a similar path towards reconciliation.

a tricky solution, but if navigated well could bear pleasurable outcomes

In response to the previous day's less-than-ideal interactions, I spent most of my time analyzing the incident, identifying its place in my relationship(s), deciphering how that defines my identity in said relationship(s), and how it will impact the scope of future similar (or dissimilar) incidents. Some great advice from a mentor/friend left me cheery and anticipating the perfect time to enact the advice, and in the mean time I enjoyed mall-walking, editing, whispering, driving, waiting, reading, and sleeping--all whilst harboring ever-so-slight resentment...

so i went to the bathroom and cried

The anticipation leading to tonight's festivities were greatly unmatched, as I attempted repeatedly to share stories and make conversation, but was interrupted and left unable and unwilling to talk further. After three times, and then three follow ups of "why isn't anyone talking," I very pointed let them know what was bothering me, and then spent the rest of the night feeling paranoid and patronized every time my friends seemed a bit too interested, because deep down I know that they would rather ignore me because they hold no value in what I have to say, but must treat me like a child in order to avoid making a scene.

movies and friends

Worked, paid bills, and then went to the drive-in theatre with Justin, Meredith, and Nate. I miss the days when movie-going was a regular occurrence that I did for pleasure, and didn't feel obliged to engage in all sorts of critical activity pre-during-and-post watching.

the most magical part is hope. living off of hope, these days.

Attended a coworker's wedding with Jazz and Tyler, and in the midst of lighting candles, buying ice, and serving food, I really enjoyed the whole evening. Danced despite full-daylight, empty dance-floor, and lack of "groove," and did my best to leave different troubles behind.

friendships get complicated

Meredith's birthday celebration at Bethany's was laid back and fun and interesting. Confusing actions and even further confusing comments were left unsettled.

hope dies and rises

a conversation led to another, which led to an invite, which led to a magical full-moon bonfire and the hope of one party rising while the other's died. an ambiguous take on a complicated subject, which may ultimately lead to three irreparable relationships.

A more serious game of what if.

Under a full moon, sitting outside the campfire, the lingering taste of spinach dip and s'mores on my lips, cuddled up with one of my favorite people, I thought about work, and reading, and making movies, and the text I just received, and the people around me, and the warmth of the fire, and my car, and the weight of responsibility weighing heavily over everything I do, and being creative, and enabling apathy, and....

And mostly I thought about alternate realities.

Andrew's thoughts about my paper are clear

Andrew's thoughts about my paper are clear, originally uploaded by aussie259772.

First thesis meeting of the summer. We're both feeling quite overwhelmed by the project. Actually, it's more truthfully one sided overwhelm-ment, as I read his feedback and think, "Seriously, wtf was I thinking?! I am in no means capable of attacking so huge a theoretical ocean."

(the ocean analogy emerges from one of our first meetings, when Andrew told me that different theorists ride upon different boats, and while I'm currently "walking from boat to boat without any consequence...the various boat-rowers want you to choose their boat. They're confident they can take you on the best ride." So, genre theory is an ocean that critics/theorists (I'm not sure if I quite understand the distinction at this juncture (how many parenthetical statements can I combine in one post?!)) navigate the waters with row-boats. Or streamliners. Or sail-boats. Or cruise ships. Regardless, there are a lot of effing boats to choose from.)

but thankfully, for perhaps the first time in my life, i said "no" to a project i felt incredibly obliged to do

I've never been a juggler--at least in the literal sense.  But lately I've quite felt as if I'm juggling too many tasks, and people keep throwing more balls into the mix, and very soon I anticipate all of them falling into a heap around me, as I mourn the lack of ability I have at manipulating the inevitable force of gravity.

hospitality

I traveled to Hudson and attended church with Nate and his family, and afterwards we went to lunch and spent a lazy afternoon watching half of a movie before I went home and crashed. I was warmly welcomed, thoroughly enjoyed a day of laughs and was, I admit, slightly envious of this large, loving, perfect family.

Instead, I felt embarrassed and awkward and didn't dance.

As I sat patiently awaiting my date at the reception of his sister's wedding, I watched one little girl dance alone throughout the pre-festivity buzz, twirling and frolicking and head-thrashing to the different types of music (provided by our high school principal DJ). The rest of the night I wished we could be children, lacking inhibitions, desperate for fun, and seizing it when the opportunity presents itself.

Facebook can, in fact, ruin lives.

A friend posts: "i guess the real question in life is, you still thinking about coming to [my place of living] in august? i would love to have you, and we can have intensive "plan [vacation]" sessions... with cosmos... and a bit of lusting over [insert name of important person whom I respect and admire and would be incredibly embarrassed to have read such a disrespectful comment about him/herself on my facebook wall]...
oops, too much? [this person] has facebook you say?"

I deleted it. Bethany's birthday celebration and reuniting with friends was the highlight at the end of the day.

much is suppressed

With all intentions of spending my evening after work at home, relaxing and reading prescribed tutorial list, I received a phone call from a distressed friend, and like normal in these situations dropped everything to spontaneously meet him out at Ferarro's.  We came home and talked on the porch for upwards of three hours before finally crawling to bed just before my parents got up for work.  Time together and good conversation sometimes does little to numb the ache.

therapy... kind of

Instead of proactively attempting to fix my breakdowns by finishing the tasks before me, I slept in, watched movies, and then helped Tyler shop for food and booze for his 21st birthday party.  A fun (but safe!) night with good friends did much to relieve the stress of the day prior...

just let me be the victim

In the evening, a reminder about all the things still to be finished before I leave in little over six weeks was flung at me, and I began to believe the sarcastic jibe I made about myself earlier in the day.  Spastically shifting from subtle disappointment, to overwhelming doubt, to absolute certainty about my inevitable failure...I realized that I'm constantly having a breakdown. 

two ideas for screenplays

Decided that my day off should entail anything that I wanted to do and nothing I thought I "should" do, so I surrounded myself with books, music, movies, and my journal.  I met some friends at ColdStone and Muggswigz, then decided to indulge two ideas that came to me while driving.

disappointment hangs heavily

I was supposed to meet people at Denny's after the short shift at work, but a shift in their plans meant that I waited for upwards of forty minutes while they drove their separate ways.  A passive aggressive text and a phone call later, I had to sit and remember that I'll only be second best.

i'm making millions of friends.

Ice cream and movies with group 1, showcase night 2 for Emily, and then hanging out with the cool kids until 5 am.  I hope it happens more often, and that I'll be really funny, and that they'll think I'm really great. 

I want to do this for the rest of my life!

The first installment of Emily's showcase was fun, exhilarating, heartwarming and thought provoking.  Following a successful show, the cast met up at Emily's house for friends and food and good conversation, and I felt thankful, surprised, and more than anything-blessed to be welcomed and in the presence of such wonderful people.

i don't normally forget things like that

Re-edited, tried to shake my inhibitions in asking yet another favor from an already overloaded mentor, felt selfish and needy, spazzed out, though mostly enjoyed the long tech rehearsal since it was only one night instead of, like, seven.  Forgot to call Connie even though i was supposed to spend the night at her house, and felt like a total douche for bailing on my best friend.

for me, right?

I was just feeling better about my story, home film...but once meshed together it felt very chaotic and sloppy and I lost it again.  Went to rehearsal, and hanging out with people at applebees did little to console me.  I think perhaps my expectations and others' don't always mesh, but that gap is never navigated gracefully enough for me to appreciate my projects in the way they deserve? I deserve? I should strive to loosen the grip of external motivation I have placed upon myself.

eeyore, mostly.

I was having a dreary day, editing for the E.Hisey showcase movie and not feeling good about it, a reelate lab that left me further unsure about my interest in film and my associations with mentors who will most likely never evolve into friends, and the news that my film was not accepted into the festival I submitted to.  Beginning to doubt all of my endeavors, I needed a respite and went to Ferarro's with Nate and Paul, only to leave further unsure of my stance among close friends.

In anticipation...

I didn't dread work as much as I normally do, mostly intent on the three days of (mild) freedom because I had given away or traded my shifts in order to not work again until Friday.  A rarity, I went home right after work, and went to sleep early.

I went to the mall. On my day off.

I find it ironic that shopping, in general, tends to deflate the minimal self-confidence I have.  But once I'm home with my purchases--despite the pain and depression that went into finding them--I feel excited and ready to go strut my stuff.

Women's Culture

I went to my co-worker, Amber's, bachelorette celebration, which included a passion party and a night on the town in Akron.  There was something secret and cherished in this weird ritualistic gathering among the other women, and by being a part of it I felt as if I was inducted officially into adult female life--not that I believe this to be the extent or by any means the definition of womanhood, but sharing stories of this (rather uncomfortable) experience made me realize that it's held in awe and confusion by members of the opposite sex.

the little things that make days more bearable

I left notes all over the store for Jasmine to find when she opened, and the thrill of knowing someone had done something just for her was well worth the extra long closing shift.  We spent the afternoon laughing and joking and enjoying our favorite food together.

mostly work

Monotony, like an unwelcome and unexpected visitor, has overtaken my days, my summer, my (possibly) last summer vacation.  The freedom I anticipated is now constantly overshadowed by afternoon shifts at work, which loom large over the hours of daylight slipping away as I try to make the most of the little time I have available before it's off to watch world.

storied

On a whim, I've decided to make a film for the E.Hisey project, so I spent my day off collecting stories from Nana, Dad, Nate, and Paul.  The range of stories are amazingly diverse, and the only thing I wish was different is that my family members wouldn't feel obligated to include *me* in their stories--and that Nana hadn't decided to start talking about her as I was leaving, with my camera packed away and out of reach!

A Fortunate Coincidence

My aunt and cousins came into the mall, and when they spotted me at the kiosk, they asked if I was attending the anticipated Half Blood Prince midnight showing.  On learning that I hadn't been able to secure a ticket before they were sold out, my aunt offered me an extra ticket that they had because of a no-show. 

As I stood amidst the mob of people waiting for the 12:01 showing, I tried to be as excited as I once was for the release of the next HP movie.  While I by no means have stopped caring, and out of the group of us there (though definitely not out of the whole crowd) I had the most random trivia knowledge, I definitely lost the gusto for costumes, scars, and adventure.  I found myself less involved in the make believe of the story, and instead evaluated the ways in which movie magic helped drop the audience into the magical diegesis and upheld the emotions of the narrative. 

I didn't mourn the feelings I failed to conjure, but instead wondered if I was transferring my interests in a natural, growing up kind of way. 

rather regular

worked, then headed to a new hookah bar in Canton with some friends.  Went to Ferarro's with Tyler and Paul after.

missings

The first part of the day with Alyssa and Chang Hi was enjoyable, even if it was event-less, but the latter half of the evening (with the addition of one more old friend) was frustrating, and that much more convincing of how much I no longer belong there.  At first I thought that new friends can seem exciting and new and more exciting than old friends, but then when i go back to some old friends I realize that the new ones are just better people.

(Don't be concerned: if you're reading this, you're not one of those less good people I've ambiguously referred to).

the universe sent me a surprise

A palm reader from Ireland picked me out of the crowd and insisted that I let her do a reading for me (for only half the price!), and led me down the basement of Plant Et Art where she "cleansed the essence" of her former subject with sage and prayer before allowing me to sit and hand over my palms.  Things I learned from this reading:

I have an old soul. 
I was a temptress in a former life.
This life is moving slowly.
I'm brave, I've just forgotten it.
I shouldn't sleep with anyone, because she sees a child within the next year.
I'm fertile and will have lots of babies.
I'll always make money.
I have to move.
California.  I need to go to CA.
I need to trust in my art.  It will provide.
I'm a born survivor and people need me and my art.
I need not let anyone stifle the vibrant light within me.
I'm very spiritually in sync.
I need to trust in myself.
More than anything, I need to move West.

take that, self doubt!

i wasn't supposed to work until 5, but a co-worker decided to call off and I had to go in at 1, which meant my quality mom time was ruined.  after late night journaling about lack of motivation and inspiration, i shut myself off to the world and wrote three interrelated  screenplays. 

high maintenance

I was annoyed by everything.  Most especially by favorite thigns--like reading (Infinite Jest?! What was I thinking), watching movies (default to The Wedding Date--really?), and hanging out with Mom (no, Mom.  Not now, Mom.  Will you just leave me alone?!).

learned behavior

I had the day off, so instead of doing productive things like working on Reelate, or calling important people, or researching forensics stuff--I went to Gma's for a few hours, intent on swimming and reading the day away.  Intermittent weather and rehearsal for the E.Hisey project meant little time in the pool, though TONS of quality conversation with grandma--which at first makes me laugh and marvel at the topics and manner of description that is SO TOTALLY her, and my mom, and me--but after awhile gets overbearing and exhausting that it makes me hope one day i'll learn to shut up.

generally discouraging

During an EXTREMELY slow day at work, I plowed through the first 60 pages in Infinite Jest (a sporadic, random assortment of chapters and titles and characters that I'm told will come together in the end if I just trust the author, yet I find myself unencouraged by certain reviews and postulations that one can never finish it...).  Reelate lab meeting led me into that familiar feeling of unnavigable filmmaker's block...

Tep Down

Mom and I went to The Stables after I picked her up from work (for the first time in YEARS--partly due to a recommendation from Andrew I recalled reading here (THOUGH! even MORE changes have occurred, meaning his raving shouldn't be taken too seriously)). While we waited for our main entree, my mom looked at the end of the table and asked, "Tep Down?  That must be a foreign name.  Do you think he donated the table??" (p.s. the sign reads "STEP down")

Mostly Friends

Woke to the sounds of Justin rummaging around to find a puke bowl for Bethany, and the rest of us spent a lazy morning lounging around the house until I had to work.  For the rest of the day, Meredith and I were lounged and waited until ten, when we welcomed Nate home from vacation.

Happy 4th

I worked the entire shift alone at work, and got slammed midway through the day, all the while mumbling and grumbling "who the hell goes to the mall to shop for watches on the fourth of July?!" 

Immediately following work, Paul and I drove to Bethany's to join her and Justin and Meredith and Nick for my very first Independence Day party.  Patriotic drinks, flag cake, BLT dip, dogs and brats on Justin's baby grill, margarita's, and fireworks in the distance. 

If that's not a sign, I don't know what is.

Against company policy, a customer convinced me to remove links on his fine-grade Tag Huer watch, which took me the better part of a half hour to complete.

Once I had finished, I handed him his watch, and moved towards the register to ring up the sale.

"You know, I don't need a receipt if you wanna just pocket the money."

I laughed awkwardly.  "It's really tempting, but...."  I started to enter my employee code into the computer. 

"Don't even press the button.  Just take it."  He slid ten dollars across the counter.

I wanted to.  I really wanted the money.  I put it in my pocket, and helped the next person who came up to the counter. 

It's just a service I offered, I thought.  It's not as if I'm stealing merchandise.  And he *GAVE* it to me.  That's not dishonest.  Right?

Remember the other day when I was thinking about that fabled list of sins kept in Heaven?  One of the actions on my mind was this *EXACT* interaction--another customer who had links removed and didn't need a receipt. 

It would be so easy to pocket this money, I thought. 

But I didn't, aware that in this case, I was stealing from the store, and stealing from that person. 

So the fact that merely four days later I was confronted with the same choice made me extremely wary.  I mean, what if it was a test?  The thought crossed my mind before, and I felt the sweet lure of temptation, though had denied it.  And now I was offered that which was the object of my temptation, in an interaction that gave me flat permission to take the money. 

Was it still wrong?  If the customer knowingly gave the money?  It felt wrong.  I called to ask advice from a friend, explained the situation, and Friend told me that if God wanted me to have the money, he would have given it to me in a way that wasn't so morally confusing.  And by denying it and cashing it into the register, it was a statement of trust in God's provision.

Good point.  I knew from the start that it would eat away at me if I kept it.  So I rung out the sale, and the total came to $10.65.  If I wanted to do it right, I would have to pay the $0.65 in tax to make the drawer even.  I counted the change in my pocket, and with two quarters, a nickel, and ten pennies--I had exactly sixty-five cents in my pocket and no more.  I think I made the right decision.

one of those boring summer days

lazy morning.  afternoon shift at work.

and top of everything else, i was really funny, too.

Andrew called to offer paying for Definition's submission into a real-live, non-Malone-associated film festival out in LA.  Spent the morning editing, and the afternoon tweaking synopses and loglines and promotional material, stuffed it in a large manilla envelope, and dropped it in the mail. 

The Summer I Longed For

I read The Great Divorce on recommendation from Andrew while at work, and was stunned and intrigued by this unique image of Heaven.  Have been struck by the fictitious "what if" theology that would give choice to even the damndest in Hell for Heaven, the beautiful imagery and representation of Christ, the edge walking interpretations of Predestination and Universalism--and joyously took every opportunity I could to share passages with whomever would listen (even with a stranger at the bar!).

So I declined when a cashier gave me the option of a free coffee

The used-to-strike-fear-and-convert-youth-group-attendees fabled list of sins has been on my mind a lot lately, and today I was conscious of little actions that I might one day see again and be haunted by should I complete them.  Though I know there are many more sins I have to my history--some aware of and some not--I was influenced by my fear of *this* one being the straw to break the camel's back, the one over the limit sin that would prevent my entry to heaven (as if there's a min-max measurement that St. Peter will review at the Pearly Gates...).

Out Of Shape

I went for my first bike ride in years, feeling exhilarated by the pace, the wind, the familiar sights, and most importantly the training for Oxford transportation.  As I climbed the steep, infamous Cindell hill, and felt excitement for the (once anticipated) pinnacle of coasting down the other side begin to vanish (along with my lung capacity), I thought perhaps I might buy a bus pass, instead. 

Sales Technique

Sometimes I find it incredibly funny whenever someone walks up and asks for the time. not because it's a strange place to do so, but because it's so obvliously predictable. We are a watch place after all. Time is what we do. I mean, I myself am constantly aware of the time staring me in the face--setting watches all day is just an omnipresent reminder of how many hours I have yet to suffer through.

In those moments, when non-watch-wearing strangers walk up to ask what time it is, some ridiculous part of me just wants to throw on a cheesy smile and exclaim with a twinkling eye, "Why, it looks like it's time for you to buy a watch!"

between vacation and work

I was felt once again renewed fervor for exercise and fitness and worked out for approximately and hour with the determination that always accompanies such escapades (despite the boredom that will no doubt emerge sometime next week). Sweaty and exhilarated, I laid on the floor and watched "shall we dance," a netflix arrival for my mom, and cried at the most random scenes that were meant to evoke inspiration but instead left me with an empty feeling of the inevitable marital struggles, or failed dreams, or the prime talent years wasting away into faded memories that will be different and uninteresting to those whom you most want to share them with.

Don't worry: I found the book.

Quick goodbyes in the morning, and Connie I set off for our 7 hour drive back to Ohio, and upon arrival I burst into tears when I couldn't find my Film/Genre book, alarming my mother when she walked in and found me weeping on the couch, mumbling about books and fines and a non-working controller.  Nick invited me out to Applebee's with a few other Malonies, and after I was welcomed home by a bonfire with Paul, Justin, Bethany, Nick, Nate, and Meredith--a circle that I sometimes suspect is too good to be true.

this is supposed to be vacation

I woke up to Nana's incessant clanging--calling Lily to breakfast, and when she arrived she turned and ushered a very loud "shhhhhh" towards the kitten, as if the small creature's faint footsteps would at any second rouse Connie and I from our slumber.  Nana was so perfectly what I expected, but the day was mostly clouded by nausea and disappointment by the awful work I turned in the day previously, which was not relieved by a trip to the Garden State mall (where I encountered all sorts of feminine struggles of self-confidence--which I by no means am free of, but the presence of others' only intensified my own feelings of worthlessness).

frustration

Only minimal work was completed on my paper over the weekend, so it was really time to crack down and get the thing finished before my second deadline, so I locked myself in the sun room all day and typed away, resenting the fact that all my inquiring emails had thus far gone unanswered.  Under the speculation that he was purposefully avoiding me in order to make me do it myself and make a point about my own capacity for completing these strenuous tasks, I grumbled through the entirety of its completion--which didn't occur until about 3:30 am at Deshanna's house in North Jersey.

On the Boardwalk

Connie and I had a lazy day, though in the evening took a trip to the Ocean City Boardwalk with Linda.  We walked around for maybe an hour before the rain that followed us from Ohio started to fall, and we had to escape in order to protect our popcorn...

Reliability

Reading about form and being told about how much humans need, expect, and desire structure was only mildly convincing until I attended Dave's Catholic wedding, which threw me into ritual and practiced ceremonies and specific, learned behavior.  New ritual always terrifies me, and I sat uncomfortably through the entire service, observing the automatic responses and behavior of those performing and attending the ceremony.  Though my reaction was tentative and anxious, those who knew the ritualistic expectations no doubt felt privileged, comfortable, and a desire to continue practicing their structural religion that organizes their experience into something predictable and reliable.

a little bit of convergence

All intentions of finishing my paper flew out the window as I anxiously waited for my new! iPhone! my mother so spontaneously bought for me (and added me back onto her family plan, leaving my joyously awaiting my next paycheck which will not be diminished by my $70 phone bill...).

A little over-the-top, I posted pictures like crazy online of my trip to Jersey with Connie, relishing the internet capabilities and endless opportunities of this tiny black box. 

a regularly scheduled interruption

having a social life greatly reduces my work ethic, which meant after work I made poor decisions to go to Ferraro's until 2 am instead of frantically researching for my thesis.  Back at home, i stayed awake for another two hours finishing some minor details and emailing my adviser, only to receive notice that he would further extend my deadline until tuesday--a most relieving, and undeserved, 2nd extension.

paaaaaaaaaaper

under a strict deadline that crept to my attention much faster than anticipated, i devoted the entire day to working on my paper.  by ten o'clock, i was completely fried by staring at the computer screen the entire night, and me, Paul, and Justin (my new "gay" friends due to Russ's theory) met at Ferraro's for C&C, and anticipated being with Nate before my trip to NJ.

i've never been much for conflict resolution

after an evening with mallory, exhaustion crept through my whole body, and i was completely unmotivated to do anything other than sleep.  i don't know why, but every time she comes to town she leaves me dismayed and confused and silently introverted.  realizing that what i appreciate most is stifled when we're together is depressing  and disappointing, and unfortunately paralyzing about how to confront and move forward.

Turn it off.

I got an email from an alum asking for involvement in a theatre project she's heading up.  I realized while thinking on artwork that revolved around "home," that the theoretical home I live in is based in the future, not the past.  Everytime I start a new project, or endeavor on a new friendship, I never take the time to be present, and instead am always concerned with how I'll remember it in the future, if I'll remember it in the future, and how I can best preserve the memory so I can fully recall the mood and specifics of the experience.

Co-workers, parents, and friends

I worked the mid shift with Megan instead of Jasmine, and then went immediately home to write this damn paper.  Paulie called around ten to see if I could join him and Justin at Ferraro's for late night coffee, and mom felt the need to make up a random story that Paul and Justin are a couple because Russ has this ridiculous theory that every time I'm out until 2-4 a.m, I'm "whoring" around.  He thinks very highly of me.

Exceptions Aren't Romantic.

I had full intentions of watching High Fidelity for my thesis, but when Mom ordered He's Just Not That Into You... I thought, "what the hell?  I wanted to see this movie anyway," and then spent the rest of the day mildly depressed by the whole thing (mostly because I was intrigued by its opening statements, but by the end of the film it went entirely against its professed ideology).

Which didn't help when I met Meredith, Justin, and Steve at the Player's Guild to see Beauty and the Beast, because I spent the whole time thinking about exceptions and rules and it was entirely too confusing. 

the troubles of living at home

Opened at work, where I was greeted by two more dinner propositions (one with MR, the other a truck driver).

Later that night, Alyssa and I met Ashley at Joe's, where an older man was kind enough (well...creepy enough, rather) to buy us shots and a pitcher of Red.  Ashley was unsatisfied, so we went over to George's, and after we closed down the place I was...worse for the wear.

Late night Denny's to sober up, and then I rolled home at about 4:30am.  This is the first time I've actually come home this late and been out drinking, but this apparently does not appease my stepdad, who is extremely concerned now that I am "of age"...

The Ideal

I hate the closing shift.  Especially when you're expecting the VP to drop in at any second, and therefore can get no spare reading done.

The reason I could never work retail for the rest of my life?  I seriously feel like my life is wasting away as I wait for the end of my shift.  Work should be more fulfilling, right? 

On the other hand, I should enjoy my summer, right?

I opened at Dakota, and had my day punctuated by creepers galore--an man in his sixties asking me to dinner, drinks and dancing; a late 40s man in a wind-suit asking me to dinner after work (and making really strange comments about his own panty-wearing...); and three guys who followed me as I drove to pick my mom up from work. 

The good things:
- beer, shots, and wings with Mom after work
- Paul and Justin at Denny's for hours
- C&C
- Meeting Nate at Denny's on Arlington at midnight
- Random conversations about books and philosophy

Not so good: intending to be at Denny's in order to finish a monstrous thesis, and instead conversing with friends and not writing anything.

Not much else.

I probably tried to write my paper in the morning.  Worked the afternoon shift.

Group Two

I spent the day lazing around after taking puppy to get her stitches out, though had the most wonderful nap on the couch mid-afternoon listening to the rain fall on the trees outside the window.  Met Ben, Alyssa and friends at the interbelt late that night to see a drag show, and had a surprisingly good time with my very own group 2. 

I'm sure that it's a phase, but i'm also sure that i never want to forget this feeling

Being back at work means that once again I'm on the schedule for every Sunday, so I got up early and left Meredith to sleep in.  After work, I fulfilled my Ben obligation by driving up to Windham, and then drove (got lost TWICE) to Hudson for Nate's bonfire with Meredith, Paul, Justin, and Ruthie.

There's something strange about the group, that we've been drawn closer and closer together with each other, and there's an intrinsic displacement whenever just one of us isn't able to attend.  We're different, yet feel complete with one another?  Maybe I'm just idealistic, and trapped in the honeymoon phase of the friendships.  But it's nice whenever people ask for me, tell me it's essential that i'm there, support me, care with me...

Applebee's and beer couldn't even fix it

Mom treated the four of us to an amazing breakfast at Patty's Place, and shortly after Meredith and I went out to my cousin Dominic's first birthday party and introduced Mere to the whole dysfunctional family.  The last show of the night was disappointing everywhere, my family and friends unable to get tickets, a non-responsive audience, and then a heart-wrenching display of devotion and adoration that I can never attain.

Day with Friends

Nate joined Ruthie and I at my place, where we watched half of The Reader before meeting Nate's family at Red Robin for dinner.  A semi-good run of the show, a night on the town with cast members, and then back home to finish our movie and have a sleepover (with the addition of Meredith).

Work and Play

My first day back at work seemed pointless and was just as slow as expected, which unfortunately left me exhausted before the second weekend of shows.  The arrival of tons of influential Malone alumni (who have left their imprint on the comm arts department, and therefore the minds and memories of the rest of us), and of course, Andrew, helped Ashley and I get excited about the performance and have our best run.  Ended the night talking late with Ruthie.

Thesis Driven

I was pleasantly surprised when I was invited out to lunch with a friend who feels most comfortable in group settings, not one-on-one, yet we were able to enjoy c&c, food, and easy conversation.  Thesis meeting with Andrew was uplifting, and I was aware of his restraint from offering any sort of criticism, as if he was as conscious as I about how delicate I've been feeling about this project and how vulnerable the whole endeavor seems.

A Day

I made mom sleep with me upstairs because of the two creepy men who showed up outside mom's bedroom window at 11 the night before. I got up early and took Mom to work so that I could have some time to work on my thesis, which then consumed my evening.

I'm totally famous.

Connie, Sarah and I went to the high school to visit teachers, and almost all of them mentioned that they always saw my name in the paper, and specifically the other day for my awards at the film festival (http://www.the-press-news.com/news/simple_article/4595057). "So we're gonna see your name in lights, one day?" they ask. The other two got a little annoyed, I think, saying "oh, look! it's alyssa pearson! she's so famous!" whilist crossing the road and almost being hit by an oncoming truck. "Excuse, me!" I shouted. "Don't you know who I am?!"

Feminist in nature

Matinee showing was probably the best audience we had all weekend, but unfortunately the plans that were on the verge of happening were dispersed, and instead we went to chipotle and then to see "I love you, Man." It was truly a bro-mance, and it made me wonder about the projection of romantic comedy for the future, and if women would lose a genre that has been specifically theirs for decades.

Cinema Verite? I don't think so.

Sometimes real life is unappealing and I don't desire to watch films the exemplify it as if the mundane realities were empowering, and raw, and relatable. I'm surrounded by my own trials and problems and lies and it doesn't comfort me to see it displayed over and over again for people's entertainment.

Break a leg!

It was opening night for the show, which was unfortunately attended by a not-so-engaging audience, but I was majorly unoffended because of my anticipation for the semi-cast get-together at Stephen's house-sitting place of residence. Sleep over with Meredith back at my place.

it's probably pointless, but i can't help having feelings

I dreamed one of those perfect dreams, one that I never wanted to end, and one that I tried to replicate even after my mom dropped the exuberant and freshly woken puppy off in my bedroom before work. The day seemed to be defined by the two similar--yet situationally different--evenings spent with potentials(?), and I oscillated so extremely, and felt so conflicted and confused, that I declined the invitation to hang out with both of them, and instead left for some much needed Alyssa time (with my friend, Alyssa...not myself...).

they say i'm transparent

bethany, nate, and i went to TGIFridays after rehearsal for beer and wings, feeling free of responsibility. shared my life, my thoughts, my struggles, my aspirations with nate for hours in the parking lot. mostly unsure about what i want, how to act, and especially how to feel.

late nights and lazy days

slept most of the day. tech rehearsal at night.

let's just hope i don't fall in love with him

Slept in as long as possible, and then once again had tech rehearsal until right about midnight, after which we felt the necessity to hang out because we're all in town. After Denny's, I spent hours with a semi-friend (now much closer? or on the road to becoming much closer?), discussing relationships, and life, and--i think--maybe exploring the possibility of a mutual interest. He's reserved, though I think intrigued, and in some ways battling maturity, and definitely still hung up on someone else.

and the signs point towards the desired direction

Lavished the change of work schedule, and the delay of my return to Dakota, by sleeping in and lounging before our first tech rehearsal. Five hours later, excited to be surrounded by campus friends during the *summer*, we went to Ferraro's and spent hours playing "what if," "paper telephone," and just chatting the night away.

the good

I think I'm learning to better fight off the black-day symptoms, or maybe my friends do it for me, but whatever the reason I was entirely content when I drove through the sunset home, toward other people who always fit comfortably in my life, my heart, and my soul. The drive, the music, the company, the horizon lifted me to indescribable, unbelievable peace of mind.

Friday

Mom had the day off, so we went to a local diner and had a wonderfully greasy breakfast, and I lounged the day away before driving up to Ashtabula for a reunion with Chris, Meredith, and Nate. Felt myself slide once again into a unsureness, seclusion, and an unsafe space of escalating doubt.

A New Summer Tradition

Dropped off the Mexico video to be copied, and visited with Kerrie, Connie, and Maya. Waited for late night rehearsal, and afterwards we met with Paul at Ferraro's for late night laughs.

Some substance

Running to the airport, to campus, home, back around campus trying to finish a myriad of tasks finally seemed to give my day a little bit of purpose. Was still battling a sickness, so the evening was spent lazily trying to recover.

sick and unmotivated, a dangerous combination

Woke sick, sneezing and feverish, which quite ruined my afternoon plans with Paul, and made rehearsal in the evening quite unbearable. Drove up to Ann's, blasting the heat and trying to break the fever, only to pretend like I felt dandy in front of just un-hospitalized Tom.

pining

After some plans went awry in the early afternoon, I was convinced that all my relationships were solely one-sided and I was determined to ostracize myself until *they* contacted *me*. I was quickly proven wrong, and felt guilty and also a little ridiculous at the assumption that none of my friends care or would forget me should I fail to contact them first. Art, movies, wine, coffee and fellowship through the evening.

Yes...Live Long...

After seeing Star Trek (for the second time!), I was enamored by all the values I had articulated in my fandom/trekkie lecture. While I've never followed the TV show, the movie still captured my imagination and rapidly and profoundly instilled elements of its ideology in my heart. I couldn't believe how quickly I adapted to follow their endeavors, and even how starkly my emotions changed within a few scenes. I totally would've been a trekkie had we had access to cable when I was a child.

You'll be the First to Know

I went to a rugby game with Heather, Doug, Susie, and Mike, and then to Billy'z afterwards to enjoy some time with family. After being hit on by a short drunken rugby player, I protested my aunts' persistence that I should hit this guy up--this crude, crass, pitiful excuse for a man (if you would have just heard the things he said to me! How dare they insist upon this coupledom!)--and instead invited myself along to dinner with my grandma and grandpa. We went to a Hibachi restaurant, where I was once again reminded of their disapproval of my relationship status. Perhaps they don't understand that I'm just as upset as they are to be single, but their attempts to "fix" this apparent flaw is not appreciated, and I'm sorry that I can satisfy their expectations or live up to my cousins' rapid exchange of boyfriends and potentials introduced to the family.

Abandoning Responsibility (as if I haven't been doing that enough lately)

Mom took the day off work, so after I slept in I bolted to Muggswigz for some quiet time away from the puppy. Did some reading for my thesis, and then Mom and I went to a local bar and got buzzed and enjoyed life with each other.

An Uncharacteristic Runway Walk

Dressed up and made up, I was greeted with a surprising amount of compliments for my rapidly thrown together outfit, and ignored the nagging voice protesting the satisfaction I felt from adhering to standards and expectations of femininity and beauty.  Strangely indulgent and confident, I wondered at the astounding mood boost such appeals to my physical appearance gave me (I should not be left alone with the OXYGN channel or WE TV).

Getting Stuck, Doing Nothing, Needing More

Got up early to take care of the puppy, then watched America's Next Top Model until Mom came home.  I was desperate to feel productive, so I went to Muggswigz to attempt to get more work done on my thesis, but unfortunately distractions ran high and I left having written little more than two sentences (if only it was for the two-sentences-a-day blog, right???). 

Stuck in Naievete

Tried to be satisfied and grateful for the situations I find myself a part.  Was frustrated by my inability to commit to decisions of self-betterment, despite claims of motivation and determination.

A Sudden Betrayal

Maya's constant need for attention is exhausting, and yet there's something oddly comforting in caring for another living creature (no doubt spurned by my need for reassurance that yes! i WILL be a good mother!).  After finding out about a potential friend-coupling after rehearsal, I suddenly felt much less appreciative of the new pup's unconditional love, instead wondering why equivalent human love never seems easy, or giving, or fulfilling enough.  The two hour drive home accentuated the solemnity, heightened my bitterness, and made me wish I could live without feeling the need to attach myself, knowing that it leads to disappointment.

Just for Mother's Day

Celebrating Mom doesn't always mean buying chocolates and wine and dinner, but sometimes just acknowledging her as the wise, experienced woman that she is.  Unfortunately, knowing that mom is always right can impact your night in not-so-uplifting ways, and rather you end up resentful and emotionally withdrawn.  Or maybe it's just me.

Remember? Okay, next year....

Connie and I got up early and went to Malone's Commencement ceremony at First Christian.  Caught up in memories of the past and expectations of the future, I went back home and wasted the day babysitting the new pup.

Di Prisconte and Of Eeckout

Got up early with mom, because we decided on a not-so-whimsical idea that we wanted to get a new puppy.  We traveled up to Whited KP something in Tallmadge, and found our Maya--Maya Von Whittenheim the Doberman.  She was the last of her litter, the reject with little scars on her forehead from her mean brothers and sisters.

She's well-bred with natural ears (though Russ wants them docked), sired from the world champion in Germany and an imported dobbie from Italy.

Brought her home, then spent another five hours at Malone finishing the Mexico video.  Spent the evening with Connie and Maya.

Break is here

Went back into Malone to work on the Mexico video.  Felt weird for being on campus still after the semester's finish, and yet i hope i belong.  Lazy evening with mom.  Coffee with Paulie at Ferraro's.

my muse

packing.  dentist teeth cleaning?  packing, loading, wings and beer with mom, anti-virus computer problem fixing at home.

didn't realize i would be thrown so violently back into the realm of appreciation and annoyance within our intense fluctuating forgiving relationship.

The Last Day of the Semester

I dallied packing, went down to the comm department to "work" on the webpage, to the opposition of Andrew who declared that I should be writing my prospectus!  After a brief, encouraging phone call about my work so far, I decided that if I truly want to be satisfied with this project, I should take an incomplete.  My first ever--and seeing the "I" on the grade report is unnerving and foreign.

In the evening, after a trip to Denny's, Meredith tried to remedy the reemergence of suppressed feelings by taking me to Geisenhaus with Chris and Alex for a Cinco de Mayo celebration.  I wish I had committed to joining their group earlier.  I'm glad that I didn't leave this semester.  I wish the summer could include more certainty about these new, fragile friendships.

History

I spent all day in front of my computer--finishing my paper about "All Quiet on the Western Front," and then creating a study guide for the final.  Fell asleep dreaming of the long and short term causes of the Great War, wondering if WWII was inevitable, contemplating Hitler's rise to power...

not trying

Slept in, met with Andrew about my impossible thesis prospectus that needs to be finished asap but that i keep pushing off because it doesn't feel quite as immediate as the other responsibilities looming in the nearer future, felt once again inhibited and panicked and andrew probably hates all of our meetings because i get so defensive about my work because i'm so self-conscious and vulnerable and impossible.  watched the movie for my history paper, had dinner with meredith, chris, ruthie, nate, and nate's twin Jon, talked with Stephen while we were supposed to be writing papers, and then went out to applebees.  feeling, yet again, that i'm wasting my time.  forever inadequate. will never overcome my feelings of uselessness, and i don't even know how to try.

Not a very good update...

have been incredibly busy because of finals and such.  don't remember the last 2 weeks enough to go through and do a day-by-day.  here are some highlights:

I have fully integrated myself with Chris and Meredith (and sometimes Nate and Stephen and Paul).  So much so that I have often made horrible homework decisions and socialized too much so that I'm constantly trying to do late-night homework and failing miserably and getting good sleep.  This is the first time I've had to battle with a social life.

The film fest happened (4.24.09).  It was amazing.  Despite a minor, stress-induced fit over the films line-up, I felt honored and humbled to have such a well-received reaction to my film.  We won: best actress, best cinematographer, best supporting actress, best screenplay, best director, and best film.  What a night! (visit definitionmovie.blogspot.com or theopenframeblog.blogspot.com for more info!)

Interviewed another candidate for the open position in the commarts department.

finished classes.

pulled an all-nighter in order to: grade blogs, write a rubric for media systems analysis, write part of my prospectus. 

Finished a pretty awesome final project for photography on no sleep. 

Finished reading All Quiet on the Western Front, and stayed up all night again studying for my chemistry exam.

Did badly on the chemistry exam.

Asked for my very first paper extension, ever.

Slept all day instead of working on my history paper.

Started to panic about the immense amount of work that still needs to be finished before I move out for summer...

Balancing Intense New Friendships

Instead of going to church with Nate, I went to ACRC and got free lunch and tried to let it go and feel satisfied regardless of high expectations.  That evening, got together with the four again, received an apology, and then did homework in the barn until late.  Still waffling.

Monday

classes.  read Eyes Wide Open for the second time until really late, wondering if the first time I read it I really understood Romanowski's view of Christian Criticism.

Where do we go from here?

Meredith, Chris, Nate and I had a slow morning.  Mere was still sick, and the other two were relaxing, so I cleaned and showered and made breakfast.  Headed back to campus around 2, finished some homework, and then went to Denny's with Nate and Chris to meet Paul and some new friends.  The magic of the night before seemed to dissolve into the memory, with awkward interactions and a sudden renege on a promising proposition...

The Looking Glass Self

Interviewed another candidate and then watched him teach a seminar about human interest stories.  Scheduling craziness meant that I didn't have my thesis meeting, which was probably an awful idea considering the astounding amount of work that I still need to do before the end of the semester.  Went to the NCP with Nate to check the cast list, which almost ruined the entire day and made me severely question my decision to participate.  After a bit of an uplifting talk with Meredith, I decided to let it go and just get ready for my bday party.  My first alcohol party was tons of fun, filled with people whom I love dearly, though slightly ruined when Russ (himself intoxicated) yelled profanities and obscenities towards the group halfway through the night.  I drunkenly tried to maintain situation prevention (a tactic I learned as a child in order to avoid such outbursts), and then had to sober up to take care of Meredith and be the good hostess. 

The interaction with Russ continued to bother me, even though everyone else said that it wasn't a big deal and in no way a reflection about me.  But there was a profound moment when I couldn't balance the free-spirited person I wanted to be, and the suppressed child still quivering at the harsh words from an insensitive step-father.  I still haven't learned how to navigate the intersection of two lives, even when one seems long forgotten. 

A Thursday

Class. Homework. REELATE interview. Bank run. REELATE meeting.

I'm Fucking Crazy

I slept in through my first class and chapel, and then after history ran down to the comm department to hand in my film.  Watched it with Andrew (to his chagrin), though I think he was pleasantly surprised.  I'm super proud of the work everyone has put in, and so relieved that it's finished.  But then, because I'm stupid, I decided that finishing one project means that I have the time to add on another--and so I auditioned for the New Works Festival against my logic and for the wrong reasons...

maybe I won't get cast!

Exhausted and Relieved

After MMS, I went straight to the editing suite, where I proceeded to stay for 13 hours finishing Definition.  Worked with Joel and Aaron on the sound (they worked wonders!), took a brief break for Revolving Doors, and then Nate and I finished at around 3 am.  Went out for celebratory wine-drinking and some friendship building!

not receiving grace much longer...

Edited all day.  Have been allowing myself too much slack.

Easter Birthday

Skipped church in the morning, against my initial intentions, only because I didn't want to drive to Akron twice in a day.  After cake and presents with Mom, I drove to Tallmadge for birthday celebrations and Easter dinner with Ann, Mallory, Brianne, and Tom (and Ann's brother and sister-in-law).  Had girls' night (minus Tom) and watched Nights in Rodanthe (did not inspire the cry-fest I had anticipated) and SATC. 

Mixture of activities

I felt guilty about having not done work recently, so I read the 100+ blogs for MMS, assigned grades, and then felt hesitant to discuss their (maybe?) faulty musings about my lecture.  Waited in anticipation for midnight, when Mom, Russ, and I went to Harmon's for my first legal beer--and I didn't even get carded!  Laughed at the awkwardness we all felt about the situation, though I still think it's great that my mom is so badass.

A lot of this recently

Slept in, went home, watched Run Fatboy Run with mom.  Uneventful, calm day.  Saw Tyler at work late at night, then went to bed.  Ignored responsibility.

indignant

Easter break looms on the horizon, so I'm desperate to finish the day and start a few days rest.  The freedom I felt when classes ended was cut short during my thesis meeting, as Andrew reminded me of many things that still need to be finished in the next month.  Wanting to meet the huge standard I've come to think others' expect of me, I was immobilized by the sheer magnitude of what I have to accomplish in order to fulfill it.  I threw out words of frustration quickly and irrationally, and his calm, even response and even *gratitude* for screaming these thoughts was all the more unnerving.

In moments like this, I'm even more sure that my assessment of them (those all-knowing professors in the comm department), that they are intuitive and calculative and always applying theory to petty students, is so right.  I can't tell you how many times Andrew or Marcia has pointed out to me some deeper issue within myself that is probably spot on and that they've known forever and I feel violated that they know more about me than I do.

I'm being really literal.

I was apathetic and therefore unproductive throughout most of the day.  I had a strange interaction with my DP, where we were both hesitant and tentative about our role in finishing the film, and the walk after was full of self-disclosure and part emotional repair.  Spent a few hours finishing my photo project, then wasted the evening before going to Denny's late at night to meet our new friend, Paul.  Was up unfortunately late finishing a paper, and writing random bs for my thesis, and studying for my chemistry quiz.

watching, cropping, arranging, hoping

MMS in the morning was probably my best effort as a TA yet, discussing and processing Trekkies with the class, asking questions and responding to their answers.  Worked in between, and then went to AWM and lunch with Mom.  Got back to school and met with Nate to spend hours working on Definition.  Finished a rough cut, went to bed early. 

task completion

monday's are busy.  tried to navigate the busyness with the new task of editing a movie while maintaining friendships and not letting my self deprecation get in the way of finishing endeavors successfully.  entirely too conscious of the four day week ahead.

hoping it's the beginning of something great

slept in, then went down to the editing suite to start transferring footage.  edited about three minutes of material, then met meredith at muggs for an evening of homework. 

lots of things with lots of people

Finished filming out at the KOA, where I was extremely pissed by Nate's insistence on acting as director.  He picked up on why I was upset, but i didn't want to instigate conflict so I just let it go.  After we finished filming, Meredith, Chris, Stephen and I met with Jeremy at Tlaquepaque for dinner, and then Mer and Chris accompanied me out to Ann's for dessert and then to Akron for the film festival.  Watched Multilevel Relationship on the big screen, and awkwardly parted ways after my hesitancy to take up Danielle's invitation (not knowing if it was authentic or sympathetic). 

sour apples

Skipped chemistry class in the morning, and then saw Meredith perform with chancels, and after history met the posse for lunch, where we decided to postpone filming once again due to the perpetual rain.  Instead, we took a scouting trip to KOA Kampground in East Sparta, and once we got back I decided I should probably clean up the 3rd floor of Founders.  Walked so many flights of stairs I don't dare to count, felt surly due to the lack of help, and then went to see God's Favorite once again to appease Stephen.  We all went to Muggs after and played Apples to Apples again, where I wasn't bitter.  Nope, I'm never bitter....

shows

The fandom lecture was not much better than my other one--the view from the front of the room is much different and very much intimidating.  I talked for a good half-hour, and then let them watch trekkies for the last half hour.  Was planning on filming the last two scenes, but unfortunately our schedules did not coincide.  Went and did the post-play again, then went out to Denny's with Meredith, Chris, and Nate to meet Paul--a genius linguist with great stories to share.  Back in the room I was up even later writing a paper for history...

social tensions

I've been non-motivated and procrastinating lately, and so today I took a nap instead of working on my photography project or preparing questions for the post-play discussion.  Went to see God's Favorite (under Steve's direction), ran the post-play rather quickly, though overall successfully (I think?), and then once again II latenight and fellowship with Steve, Chris, Meredith, and Nate...only to realize that I had nothing prepared for my lecture on fandom in the morning!  Stayed up until 4ish...

a walk and an apology

Class with Andrew in the morning felt obligatory for both of us, him in his sickness and me in my weariness, but he put on a good dog-and-pony-show that kept me entertained and laughing and surprised when we left the room and he returned to his drowsy, sniffly self.  I met with Nate and Meredith to film around the library, the Stagecoach, and the house, and then Chris joined us for the apartment scene and the coffee QS.  We stayed in the porn-room set (dubbed so by Andrew because of its vinyl paneling) for hours, talking, burning candles (how rebellious!) and enjoying fellowship.  We went to latenight with Steve, and then to the barn to play Apples to Apples until 3 am.  It was an interesting and sudden experience, being integrated into the group, and I think in someways it has harmful connotations.  It doesn't help when I continuously struggle to accept people for their goodness, and instead worry about the ways in which they clearly are conspiring against me.

I think the night ended well, with a walk and an apology and a reaffirmation.

the aftermath

Monday dragged long through classes and obligations and quizzes and the left-over exhaustion from a long weekend of filming.  Met my new friends for late-night and II.

Day Three

I yelled at anyone who even mentioned rain, refusing to cancel filming the outdoor scene.  We packed up the equipment and headed to Andrew's friends' home (i can't spell their name...) in the downpour.  When we pulled into the driveway, however, the sun was shining and the clouds kept at bay.  The day was intermittent with a few sprinkles, but nothing to threaten the completion of the scene.  Dinner and homework with Nate, Chris, and Meredith after.

Day Two

Woke up at 5 am in order to start setting up in the library at 6 and continue filming throughout the day until 5 pm.  An exhausting, though fruitful, day led to an awkward meeting of the people who's backyard we'll be using to film the campfire scene, a nap, phone calls galore interrupting my slumber, quick dailies, and a dinner with tyler.

A fun day, filled with dynamic shots!

Day One

Trying to film when the set isn't ready, the DP is still in bed, the cinematography consultant is late, your actors are going through traumatic experiences, and your producers are absent--is really stressful.  Miraculously, it all came together for us to film the roommate scene between Ashley and Meredith, with even a little time to spare for Nate to get some sleep before opening God's Favorite.  After a wrap of scene five, I did lots of running and prepping to get sets ready for saturday's all-day shoot, and then stopped in to give two of my favorite men some congratulatory flowers for their performance on opening night.

Last Minute Prep

I have become much more of an auteur filmmaker than intended, fulfilling many of the tasks traditionally completed by the executive producer in the frantic preparation for Friday's filming.  I ran to thrift stores and different houses gathering props and set design materials, was moving furniture and designing sets, had training on HD camera, rented lights and equipment, and scribbled storyboards between class and sleep...

Film

I decided last minute that I would abandon responsibility and instead accompany Andrew and Tristan up to the Cleveland International Film Festival.  We left at 10 a.m. in the midst of rain and a tornado drill and arrived at the Twin Cinema with a crowd that stressed me out.  But the stress was shortlived as I saw Sparrow, Achilles and the Tortoise, and 8 Independent shorts (the best of which were Pig, Derailed, Retouches, and Out There).  The car ride home was full of stimulating discussion, and I was renewed with vigor for my current film endeavor.

a bloody revolution against our tyrants

After class, I prepared some notes for the gender panel, drew many storyboards, met with my costume designer, emailed alumni, went to EC to get permission for filming at FCC, talked with Mrs. Moody, took a nap, and then! fulfilled my role on campus as token(?) feminist.

We had great discussion, which did not end as soon as the panel did.  Wonderful conversation with Dr. Chambers, Isaac, the suities, and then later, more debriefing with Andrew.

Ah, for once! I experienced the thrill of defending my view against, at least mild, opposition. 

A Series of Projects to be Completed

1) Chemistry quiz (I can only hope to have a 50%, and even that is iffy, since half of the questions were multiple choice, and the other half short answer that I didn't have a clue about.)

2) History Midterm (an all essay exam, 5 questions in 50 minutes.  I filled the blue book to its entirety).

3) Chemistry Lab (experiments with acid, followed by 9 menial questions that I typed early, so that I can focus on filming this weekend)

4) Panic Meeting with Andrew (about film fest stuff.  his confidence in me must falter as he continues to have to profess it...)

5) Sociology paper (2 1/2 hour class, complete with a visit from a representative for the Girl Scouts of America)

Never being prepared for the tasks that are staring you in the eye means that you can never hope to again regain stable footing in the workload that engulfs you. 

Not so much wading, today, as failing to stay afloat.

I think my mom calls them "black letter days"

I went to AKRC, desperate for some sense of peace.  I secluded myself as much as I could on a college campus, privately indulging the sobs that wracked me.

Not again...

I woke under some plague.  I went to see Duplicity with Stephen, Chris, and Meredith, but was in a foul mood and bitter that I spent the afternoon watching such a bad flick.  Met with Scott, which was inspiring and affirming, but the sudden pressure of all the impossible tasks that need to be finished was overwhelming and debilitating. 

My Fridays Are Exciting

After an exhausting morning, I turned in my paper and then went to get my hair done as a reward.  Took a nap, played board games in Victoria's room, and then went to bed early.

still writing papers

I knew that it was going to be a long night, and even though I tried to be pro-active in paper-writing, it was inevitable that I stayed up way past bed time trying to be insightful and reflective.  Still enjoyed silly, late night hysteria with Connie and Deshanna.

The looking glass self

Sometimes affirmation actually adds more pressure to live up to the expectations and belief that other people have in you.  Spend the afternoon writing a paper, and in the evening I read Candide for history.

home again

thrown back into class and work and film and such.  was generally ineffective because the sleep schedule is all out of whack.

hello, ohio.

spent all day at the airport.  overwhelming sense of relief to be back home in ohio.

Finals and Awards

We had tons of great news--I broke in POI and Faith Lit, Phill broke in extemp and impromptu, Will broke in prose, and Andy broke in novice prose and POI.  Again we had some time to swim, nap, relax before the first round of finals at 2, and the entire experience was enhanced by the presence of Dan Walton and Annaliese. 

The break down of awards:
Andy--6th in novice prose; 1st in novice POI
Will--6th in open prose
Phill--4th in open extemp; semi-finalist for open impromptu
Alyssa--5th in open POI; 1st in open faith lit

There was immediate joy and amazement, but it was quickly cheapened by unexpected (yet unsurprising) reactions from a few members of the group.

Still, I've made the first varsity first-place victory for Malone at the National tournament.  It feels both fulfilling and strangely inhibiting. 

The longest of the three

Got up super early to make it to the tournament in time for the first round at 8, and the early morning panic was heightened by my inability to locate my black book.  Running, panting, frantically searching led to tardiness for the first round but thankfully, the book was found and i was able to compete.  The day stretched long, but I was glad to still be qualified.

Day 1, Rounds 1 Pattern A and B

We got to be lazy for the first part of the day, swimming and practicing and moseying to the tournament.  We started at 2, first prose run was rough (nerves got the best of me in front of Greenawalt), but first faith lit went well, as did the CA, POI, and duo.  Some mild drama erupted as the team went for dinner at Marie Callendar's, which was discouraging for the first day of the tournament, but it began to settle down once we were back at the hotel--and actually developed into a strange, poetic bonding between the "fab 4" which offered us closure, and contentment in our separate but still inter-influenced lives.