that girl

spent the evening with ben and alyssa for the first time since summer.  things were almost like normal, especially when tom stopped by around midnight.  meaningless banter went on long into the night, and when we drove to steak and shake to meet timmy and his friends, i started to slip once again into the dismal abyss of self-pity

lazy thanksgiving

spent the first half of the day with mom and russ, then sped off to malvern for the second feeding with dad's side.  stuffed, feeling gluttonous, i returned home to dawdle around my cross-cultural paper.  finished up around 2 a.m. 

first day of break

woke to an awkward phone call from an ex, then decided not to let it affect my homework plan.  met alyssa at muggs, where we talked for two hours instead of doing homework.  i went home, cuddled with mom, took a nap, and at the end of the day, wrote four pages of my ten page paper.  good start, right?

five steps behind

i was running all day, attempting to get everything completed: class, taping boxes for my set in the theatre, work, photo lab, rehearsal, photo lab, packing, loading, going home.  it was strange to go through a day filled with sentimental goodbyes, with the full knowledge that in five days we would be together again.  it was weird to be aware the dialectical emotions of sadness and joy to be leaving for the holiday.  i always thought that recognizing these kinds of things would make me more capable of understanding and reacting to them...

it was like mini-senioritis

thanksgiving break was all i had in mind, and so i had no desire for any sort of strenuous thinking.  the day was filled with various meetings and preparations for break, followed by an obligatory visit with a "friend," a once-again reminder of where i don't want to end up.

sabbath

I went to Akron Christian Reformed Church--the first Sunday I've made it to church in probably five months.  I was relieved to see we wouldn't be taking communion (which for some reason terrifies me), and I was sitting in a row of people whom I respect, adore, and am thankful for, and the sermon was one of the easiest (and most radical) ones to follow along with.  I loved that the church is willing to ask those questions and to probe into the "problems" secular society sees in the gospel.  I loved the community they strive to promote.  I loved the group singing.

a pleasantly boring day

went to class.  went to work. 

 

(this is for friday november 21...but i'm not sure why it posted later and i don't feel like fixing it.)

forensics-free saturday

worked all day, then watched What's Eating Gilbert Grape with my suitemates instead of reading film theory.  spent hours cleaning the shower, my room, the living area, all in order to feel productive without actually being productive.  browsed through pages of films to create an even longer netflix queue. 

when interactions with people are more memorable than the work done

In class:
"Do you think you're different cultures?"

At lunch:
"I have crew hours."

Building stuff:
"How should we lift this cake?"
"Let me help."
"Okay, well, we need to tilt it now."
"We clearly didn't think this through."
"Why don't you move the couch and split the curtain?? I can't believe it's taking that many of you to do that. I could do it on my own!!"

LAUGH LAUGH HEE-HAW! "He kept trying to get me to drink a beer, while he was already halfway through a twelve pack!"

In one of those dense meetings:
"This is a new episode."

"Maybe he is threatened because you're a woman, and you're strong and independent. But I think this touches a tenuous chord because it's projecting a knowledge that you might not want to adopt here at Malone."
"Yeah. Ever. And I've unfortunately had to do a lot of that this semester."

"Your spiritual autobiography doesn't have to be a victory story."

With Tyler:
"She said that?!"

"I was hoping Melanee would be here so we could compare beards."

At a writers' meeting:
"Can he please have an eye patch???"

"Let's make a revolving doors calendar--that could be our publicity!"

a typical wednesday

that includes class, rehearsal, and MeTV.  not much socializing, not much free time.  read a chapter on gender and film, and while it didn't give me much insight into what i want to study for my thesis, it did help me gain a broader knowledge of the conversation. 

it's difficult to navigate

usually once, sometimes twice, a week, i have these really dense meetings with my faculty advisor.  now, dense meetings in general aren't bad, but when one is having them consistently and frequently, one starts struggling to stay aloft.  I'm bogged down by the imminence of projects, deadlines, expectations, challenges, etc.  There's hope present, faith that i can achieve more than i think i'm capable of.  it creates a perpetual state of hovering halfway between working harder to be better and just giving up. 

Annoyance

the sole emotion i could muster the entire day.  skipped chapel because i'm annoyed by the requirement, annoyed that it was a good speaker and i missed it, annoyed that if i refuse to speak in film class no one else will take the lead and therefore we're all required to say something even if we don't want to, annoyed that we have a long rehearsal with only an hour break before tech, then so very annoyed at the people running tech who take it upon themselves to change my design concept to suit their needs and who expect me to have come up with half of my set even though i was in tennessee all weekend, annoyed that i went to the MeTV meeting and no one else showed up, and finally annoyed by how late i got to bed once again because of investigating persepolis and the graphic novel. 

 

though i do really love persepolis, and am gaining a new appreciation for graphic novels.

public service announcement

drove 7 hours in the van to get home before I had to head off to work at 6 for holiday training, then met up with audrey to begin one of those stressful projects.  i realized that i'm probably the worst person to ever be in a group with...i'm a control freak, i'm busy all the time, i'm pushy, and my schedule hardly ever neatly coincides with anyone else's.  my sincerest apologies to everyone who has to endure my pushy, stubborn, nit-picky, busy self.

a typical forensics tournament

up early (now the third day in a row that i've not gotten nearly enough sleep) and spent the van ride desperately attempting to finish last-minute memorizing.  here was my schedule:

8:00am--go to first round of CA.  Stand in the front of the room, stumble, gain confidence, then 2/3 through the speech lose everything and have to pick up notecards from the back of the room.  Embarrassment.
8:30am--go down 2 flights of stairs and perform POI to a room full of non-responsive women.  C'mon!  This is a good piece!
9:30am--go to 2nd round of CA.  Abandon all hopes of performing the speech memorized.  Use notecards the entire time. 
10:00am--go to 2nd round of POI.  Deliver break-up piece to a bunch of men.  Fantastic. 
11:00am--meet the rest of the team for lunch break and last minute practicing on prose.
1:30pm--1st round of prose.  It was bad.
3:30pm--2nd round of prose.  It was worse (just me and the judge.  I looooove it when that happens.)
5:00pm--find out that I broke! (for the first time this semester!!!!) into finals.  run to bathroom to practice.
5:15pm--go to round by myself and feel incredibly unsupported.  watch amazing people.  feel unworthy of being in this round.
7:00pm--watch ADS with Ann.  Laughed, got bored, laughed some more.  "I know I wouldn't want to put Ballz or Red Bull in my Heini."
9:00pm--awards with the team who is resentful that they have to stay because I'm the only one who broke.  Bittersweet vindication.
10:00pm--head to Demo's for dinner.  Get scared by Ann's reckless driving. eat steak and spaghetti.  read surprisingly supportive ballots.
12:00am--finally start driving home.
2:00am--stop at hotel.

long day.  wishing i had a re-charge day.

the future freaks me out

panicked about the five group projects that need to be completed in the next three weeks (culture connections for TUESDAY, oral history project with mrs. raber, spiritual autobiography--which i have not touched since dr. chambers told me i could place it on the back burner two weeks ago, summative film project--which our group still does not have a book for, and theory project--where i have to somehow find time to watch an hour of TV monday night between tech, MeTV, and life stories meeting with audrey), attempted to memorize a speech throughout the day, finished Persepolis, but then abandoned all thought of homework in attempt to prepare for the tournament. 

prepping for a long weekend

Met with Jim about tech sheets for directing, and then felt a little bit of the load lift off my shoulders...before a new one descended rapidly as i realized that my actors are no where NEAR ready for tech on Monday.  Worked, went to class, went back to work and tried to contact alumni who would send in narratives for the webpage, packed and hopped into the forensics van for a long trip down to tennessee.  felt monopolized.

okay, so you were right

the chapel speaker had great potential, but little talent in public speaking, so my thoughts drifted to my to-do list which included:

the photography project due last night
planning rehearsal
fitting in a time to watch killer of sheep
MeTV
meeting with Audrey to transcribe Mrs. Raber's interview
directing chapter assessment
grading actors' analyses
rehearsal plan for next week
rehearsal assessment
comm theory reading
memorizing a speech for forensics
and working 5 hours for the webpage

i ran to the photo lab, only to discover that Gary was nowhere to be found.  I went back to my room, grabbed everything I would need for the rest of the day, showered, and went back to again an empty photo lab.  Did other homework while I waited for G to come and show me how to matte my complex architecture project, but he showed up half an hour before class, and didn't help me until a quarter till. 

I left dejected (because the matte I cut was backwards) and walked into class almost a half an hour late.  I had to admit that it was because I was working on a late project, and the double nature of being late to class to try and finish late homework left me feeling like the worst student imaginable.  My image of "good student" is quickly evaporating. 

I knew I had taken on too much.  I just hate when everyone else can see it, too.

a day filled with meaningless activity that is unfortunately necessary to complete the meaningful

was rushing to get things done, but didn't accomplish hardly anything.  spent hours in the photo lab making prints, but had to leave before i could matte them.  went to legally blonde in cleveland for directing class, but was rather disappointed (even though I generally like feel-good musicals) and felt like i wasted a good 5.5 hours. 

end of semester blues

started this morning aware that i had not accomplished nearly as much as i should have for the rest of the week to be as restful as i would like, but was determined not to feel bad in light of the opportunity to spend time with friends.  classes were normal, although a comment made during directing sent me into rage that overshadowed the rest of the day.  dinner with mike yankoski (author of "Under the Overpass") was just what i expected (again, i fulfilled my role of "that girl who talks a lot", though i think it helped us as a group get away from that awkward, "no one knows what to say because we're strangers and you're here for this one purpose of talking about your book, which is kinda professional, but we want to connect too, which is kinda personal, so why is this so forced" conversation), then off to forensics late where the pressure was just added on, then MeTV script writing, then mini-breakdown in front of the suities.  oh, the end of the semester drag...

the ebb and flow

worked the long shift, where i had shifting emotions about the work i was doing, feeling both satisfied and disgusted.  afterwards i spent time with ben for the first time in months, which was fun, but also reminded me that that chapter of my life is over, and i don't think i'll be reading it again.  went to muggs to homework, but ended up visiting with people who compose my life now, and i was reminded of how much i appreciate them, and more about how much i appreciate the newness that accompanies this strange and transient path of life.

a day when i would be converted to feminism (if i wasn't a feminist already)

joyously slept in, lunch at irish exchange with half the suities, barely any homework, visited with work lovelies, ushered for the theatre show, and then watched a wonderful performance that made me feel liberated in the beautiful portrayal of an unorthodox ending that still left the audience satisfied.

dprvtn

day was foggy and blurry due to lack of sleep, causing me to float from class to class and off to work at chapel hill.  tried to watch a movie for leisure, but ended up falling asleep round eleven thirty...

the most i've packed into a day yet

the day was a swirl, complete with class, last minute errands and prep for life stories interview, job/advising/film/thesis meeting (all condensed into a one-hour slot of overwhelming intensity--these meetings always leave me drained because they're so challenging/encouraging in many ways), a reunion/interview with my high school english teacher (another meeting that left me drained and overwhelmed--i think i feel that way after talking with people who believe that i can be more than i think--which is simultaneously uplifting and terrifying), quick dinner before work at belden, followed by an intense all-nighter of film critiquing, comm theory critiquing, critical film viewing, life-narrative writing, and memoir reading.

a day like any other day

woke late, rushed to chapel and then to the photo lab, back to the room for last minute reading before rehearsal, off to class for a wonderful outside discussion while multiple class tours went by (i couldn't help but feel as if we were the physical manifestation of the college catalog for the prospective students), set up the tiny forensics room for rehearsal where we managed to have our first uninterrupted practice, called people and sent facebook messages pleading for quotes to fulfill my webmasterly duties, MeTV mock run-through, back to the photo lab to finish the project, read for comm theory, and now instead of staring at a blank computer document (that's supposed to hold my great insights integrating theoretical concepts and a film) i blog instead.

election day

I awoke still uncertain of whether I would vote, though as the day wore on I knew that ultimately I would feel guilty if I didn't, since Mr. Linerode (8th grade social studies) instilled in me a sense of civic duty and obligation.  Re-adjusted my schedule to incorporate the trip to EC, then spent hours in the photo lab to complete not even half of my project.  talked with Mom, who confessed to voting democrat: finally! a breakthrough! my parents sometimes listen to what I say!

it gets busy

Multiple encounters reinforced the realization that I am not in control of the universe. Forensicated the night away.

strange assortment

wanted to try a new church this morning, but my roommate bailed and some unsureness on location and starting time made me change my mind.  watched a film, cleaned, did laundry in the afternoon, before going to the mexico mission trip reunion at Tlaquepaque, which was two-hours of loud, obnoxious fun. the evening was devoted to investigating the dense and complicated world of feminist film theory.

fleece signs

competed all day: CA, POI, CA, POI, Prose, Prose, wait, watch, awards, disappointment, excitement, drive home, depression, joy, bonding, laughing, somber, exhaustion.  as i desperately seek God's presence, i realize that this whole spiritual thing is really hard.