yeah, yeah. happy new year.

I drove into town for stops at the post office, bank, library, and gas station--thinking about both the comforts and the entrapment of small-town living.  back home, i lounged away, watching movies galore (Mrs. Doubtfire, Pride and Prejudice, The Graduate, and Amelie).  mom and i drove around trying to find an open kitchen for dinner, then had plans canceled and stayed in with my parents for new year's. 

family family

dad took me to see the trans-siberian-orchestra concert in cleveland, which was loud and bright and extravagant, making me wish dad had just taken me to the traditional barber-shop quartet (because i probably would have enjoyed it tons more).  went home to a surprise visit from all three aunt's on mom's side (i think they've made a total of three visits in my lifetime...).  nothing like a visit from family to renew dietary ambitions...

odd combination

said "screw it" and went to see the movie by myself, before heading off to dad's for the night.  dad is rennovating, which made for an uncomfortable night where we all crashed in the living room.  started some spiritual reading, and made a bit more progress on the ambiguous screenplay.

a little encouragement

Russ has the flu, so Mom and I abandoned the house and went to Nana's for late Xmas exchange, then Pat Catan's for more journal-making materials (Mom loved the book I made for her for Christmas), then Outback for dinner.  I desperately wanted to go to the movies, but after failing to find someone to go with, and with an unreliable transmission, I was demanded to stay home.  Began writing a new screenplay without a clear plan for where to take it, but was glad to be writing nonetheless.

not just forgettable, but forgotten

worked 11-7, then went home and tried to plan an outing with Tyler.  He told me they would be at muggs, so I got ready and headed over...only to find a room full of strangers and a bitter taste in my mouth that had nothing to do with the expresso.

wondering about the absence

Went to get my hair highlighted, but it was a new girl and so I feel like my hair is all messed up.  Mom and I ate at Grinders, and on the way home I realized that it's been awhile since anyone other than my mom tried to contact me.  Instead of rectifying the situation and trying to regain some social life, I stayed up until 5 am reading.

the freedom of the holidays

Mom woke me like an excited five year old so that I might hurry down and we could open gifts that much sooner.  The morning was dedicated to excited squeels and squeaks (from my mother, mostly) and exasperated cries at the kitten and the dog to get out of the tree/wrapping paper.  Felt really satisfied with the gifts, even though I hadn't asked for anything in particular.  Ate the traditional dinner (where I finally convinced Mom to say the prayer), then napped, finally conducted some research for the thesis, and finally stayed up ridiculously late getting lost in the tail-end of my latest series endeavor.

*sigh* Family.

met mom for lunch in belden before rushing off to aunt connie's for the traditional pearson-get-together. once again i was the outcast who no one acknowledged, or when they did it was to patronize my current life ambitions in a way that made me want to push away from the "table" and construct my own--alone--just to prove i could do it. watched The Women with Mom and Russ, then stayed up late enjoying the solidarity of my book and last-minute gift-making...

a strange twist to my day

actually got up early in the morning to put ben's present together with alyssa before work, and after the afternoon shift we drove out into the treacherously icy weather in order to get the presents ben was holding hostage.  when we opened ours, we immediately were aware that he hadn't put nearly as much into his gifts as we had to his (rather expensive, I might add) two presents.  riding home with alyssa was a threat to my life, and it didn't help that i was brooding over the clear division in my friendships, but when i walked up my driveway, the garage light illuminated the house and sparkled off the ice of the driveway in such a magnificent way, that i actually stood in the freezing rain until i was soaked--feeling the first peace-of-mind i'd felt since...i don't know when.

apathy

Went to work.  Did late, last minute Christmas shopping.  Wishing I could be a Scrooge...

oh that darned conscience

read all day.  thought deeply about the "melodramatic" feeling of the twenties, desperately hoping that the ideals don't fade as "life" comes bearing down.  felt slight twinges of guilt because I avoided doing anything new with my script or thesis topic, or with my spiritual autobiography, or with the webpage, or with editing for open frame highlight reel...the list continues.  tried to stay content with knowing i was reading and doing something purely for enjoyment, for once.

uneventful day, irritable person

Started a new book, then headed into work for the second busiest shopping day of the year (the saturday before christmas).  was plagued by a strange ache in my right leg, which left me unmotivated for any wild saturday night plans (as if i had any!).  I stayed in and read my book.

gently navigating the past while still tying to construct the present

Melanee and I fulfilled our duty as the EC fag-hags and had lunch with our corresponding counterparts--Zach and Tyler.  I came home and cleaned all night--sorted through past eras first physically, then emotionally as Alyssa and I failed to connect with a previously close friend.

always saying goodbye

Breakfast and Sex and the City with Mallory and Ann, then Mallory's gone and it's lunch and Sex and the City with Ann.  Worked till 10:30, then went to Steak and Shake with Tyler, Melanee, and Zach while trying to sort out my opinions on a number of previously-held conservative standpoints. 

oh those dialectics once again

Said goodbye to Connie for three weeks as she visits family in Florida.  I cleaned half of my room, packed for the night, and then drove to Ann's to wait for Mallory's visit.  Spent the night in laughter and reminiscence with just a hint of sadness...

still postponing responsibility

I took Mrs. Raber's interview to her, and also visited with Mrs. Moody and Profe, who were both delightfully surprised to see me, and I was happy to visit for the first time in years.  I returned to the store Alyssa and I visited in Canton and bought three gifts, before Connie and I returned home and hung out--homework free--until bedtime.

trying to stay focused on not-me

Since Ann's family is incredibly like her in their particularity, I went back down to the editing suite to add more pictures, adjust time-slots, and change song timing for the anniversary video (that had already been shown at the party, but was now going to be given to Ann's parents). Alyssa and I then went out Christmas shopping, though we didn't buy anything. We did, however, find a wonderful little shop in Canton that I intend to revisit...

post script: i got my grades (the first collegiate 4.0!)...

surprisingly uneventful

worked the mid-shift.  went home and then out to muggswigz with mom.

hoping this is not the itinerary for the rest of break

Had to be in the mall at 7:30 am, and when I got there we were so slow that I struggled to stay awake.  Got done at 3:30 and went home to take a nice long nap.  After I woke, I met Connie at Panera before spending the night at Kris' to house-sit. 

first day of break...

I spent all day in the editing suite making an anniversary video for Ann's parents. There's something oddly satisfying about working down there (when things go my way, of course), but by the end of the day I was feeling more irritated than satisfied. After finishing the project, and then re-arranging it and tweaking it for FOUR hours, I was ready to pack up and go home--which unfortunately was not on the agenda. Packed up for break, visited with Erik, and then crawled into bed 'round 3 am even though I had to be up saturday at 6:30 for crazy mall hours...

life is full of goodbyes

I got up early to finish studying for the comm theory final, which I felt really good about immediately following, though I then worried at what I must have missed because one does not generally feel confident after such exams.  Napped away the afternoon before the photography final, then reluctantly went to a goodbye party for Justin and other such studying-abroad people next semester.  It was mildly depressing because I've just been integrated into that social circle... making friends and then watching them leave...

the last minute study thing

Woke late (as per usual), did laundry, piddled away at studying for comm theory.  Nonchalantly went to the film final, where we received heavy news that left me feeling odds dialectics and left me at a loss for how to respond.  Spent the night with Connie house-sitting, where I was up until 5 am studying for comm theory and then watching The Celebration--which was delightfully awful to watch (especially at 4 am). 

Feeling so spiritual that you doubt its authenticity

I met with Andrew in the afternoon to discuss my shitty seven research questions and my new shitty dialogue for my script. Overall, he was impressed (sort of) with the questions, and then not-so-much about the dialogue. Which I felt okay about, though not-so-okay about the new deadlines he has given me for both projects. The rest of the afternoon was dedicating to wrapping up a very insightful (HA!) spiritual autobiography that ended up constituting two pages. After storyboarding, I was once again excited about the project, and more so about the implications for my spirituality.

things are winding down

was determined to get a good day of studying in for comm theory, but it turned into more of a vague start to an overview.  the study party was generally unhelpful because we weren't thinking critically and I was overwhelmed by the large number of people there.  afterwards i went out to applebees with lots of great people and felt like i had a real social life for the first time in ages.  came back and made up ridiculous dialogue for my script, followed by generating research questions for my gendergenre thesis study. 

happy to be wrong

With a little help from Russ, I convinced Mom to meet me for lunch, where she showed up with a new coat for me!  The Revolving Doors writing meeting made me fear that they would soon regret inviting me to be a head writer (due to my lack of innovative and creative ideas), which left me feeling all self-deprecating and such (surprise!), so I went to get my hair done to feel better.  The salon closed at 5, so I went back to the room and wasted time before driving to Andrew's for class documentary-watching.  King of Kong was great, but a comment made in teasing upset me more personally than it should and I reacted strongly in anger.  I drove home fuming, only to receive an apology in my inbox, disproving my earlier beliefs about the person's intended effects. 

decision?

I reluctantly drove to Belden Village during the worst time of the year in order to clock in and repair watches for eight hours.  All day I was looking forward to The Justin Project at muggs--which was all I had hoped.  Engaged in conversation that didn't completely (though at some points, inevitably) revolve around school/work, which was a wonderful relief.  At midnight, Erik stopped by--which was the first time I had seen him in at least two months--and we spent time visiting in that superficial way of knowing that there are more serious issues hidden beneath the surface that neither are going to acknowledge. 

film, gender, christmas, plays

panicked before yet another group presentation (this one for history and theory of film), though i think in the end it went well.  it was dense and packed with information (i'm sure the class was nodding off during our extensive discussion of imaginary, mirror, Oedipal stages and how they intersect to create a wound while watching cinema that must be sutured through the maternal voice, followed by an overview of contrasting social presentations of woman vs Woman and the technologies of gender), but overall we were collected and organized and informing.  in the afternoon i got a little emo, but then i got over it in time to attend Christmas dinner and the second half of the 10-Minute Play festival (which i bias-ly think was not quite as good as the first half).  crawled to bed around 2 a.m.

getting past the ideal

gave comm theory presentation about mass communication, which led into a meeting about the webpage, possible honors thesis topics, my screenplay, and internship next semester.  am feeling completely lost about the middle two, so andrew's forcing me to come tuesday with 7 research questions and 2 new characters and 12 lines of dialogue in order to push me past my "massive superego that defines all of my decisions before i even make them."  went to watch my actors in the 10-Minute Play festival (while wishing i knew more about psychology) and left proud and grateful for this experience, and hoping to get more involved in theatre once again.

last minute prepping

10-Minute Play Festival was all that was on my mind as we prepared for tech rehearsal.  Full tech was awesome, followed by a stressful comm theory group meeting that left Dusty and I in the barn at 1 am finishing a paper and prepping for our presentation...

a minor injury puts things into perspective

got a surprising amount of work done on the webpage halfway through the day, and then i very gracefully tripped over nothing and injured my ankle to the point where i was limping for the rest of the night.  i drove over to photography and finished my projects for the semester, then hobbled to life stories to watch Persepolis, and then headed to the finale of "Revolving Doors."  Laughed with the suities, then collapsed into bed without sparing a thought for my homework.

some things happened

went to chapel and then to class.  rehearsal is starting to feel strained because my actresses are more than ready for the performance.  ended the night with forensics dinner at tlaquepque.

what break should really be about

went to Akron Christian Reformed Church again with Connie, and this time they did have communion (which was a terrifying ordeal for both connie and myself), but the momentary panic was relieved after a great service and the first sense of communion-in-community in probably three years.  projects and papers only barely filled my time because i decided to nap and watch movies instead.

balancing

got in at around 5 am, so sleeping till noon was no problem.  watched movies with mom, went to muggs with tyler, then kidnapped connie for the evening.  there was no successful homeworking, but due to the great fellowship, i wasn't feeling guilty.