tornadoes

up early for breakfast with tom, mallory, and new friend scott, followed by (attempted) registering for classes, discussion on traveling mercies, begging/ranting about closed out classes (for the second year in a row!!), muggswigz for a double-hazelnut-breve, visiting! like! mad! with mallory and professors, class, class, lunch with dad, off in the van for forensics.  mallory's abrupt entrance and abrupt departure left me in emotional turmoil, experiencing all sorts of longing, envy, honor, love, and all sorts of other confusing-type-things.  it's like she's a tornado, coming in as a whirlwind and then leaving the wreckage and pieces behind to be picked up once again.  i hate that we're apart.

when love comes to town

the day was overshadowed with anticipation of the evening events: a possibility to get off work early and see mallory for the first time in three months, the second time in sixth months.  made a reverse surprise by showing up for dinner, followed by a night out at joe's, and a tipsied heart-to-heart that was just as (or perhaps more so) genuine than it would have been sober. 

when one time slot opens...i fill it with more projects

Received specifics on two more giant projects, wishing the whole while that I could devote more time to them because I know they'll be worth it, directing was encouraging and delightful as we began blocking and my actors began to explore characters.  the evening was filled with shocking and exhilarating news: a) i only work 7 days in the month of November (for belden) and b) my script was selected for open frame, but i was also accepted as a director/producer for one of the sponsored films! 

when life seems

a twenty-minute advising meeting in the middle of the day sent me into a state of heightened unsurity.  alarming stats about students after they graduate at first angered me, but after a bit of reflection i was scared shitless.  what if i'm stuck here forever in some dead-end job i don't enjoy?  what if i don't take the step to pursue my goals and dreams, and instead settle for second best?  what if everything i'm doing now is pointless? it seems like a well-worn script at play that i REFUSE to give fidelity to...

old demands in disguise

the first day of the week felt like a fresh start, but was soon diminished into old demands just reappearing in different ways: rehearsal for directing instead of production meetings, film discussion on a different day, a new task to fulfilling the webpage demands, a new piece needed for forensics.  didn't get back to the room until 10, where i mixed laughing with suite-mates and paper-writing.

unproductive

wondered if i should seize the opportunity of my first sunday off in twelve weeks to go to church, but decided that since i had only gotten an average of 4 hours of sleep every night that it might be more beneficial to sleep in.  was generally unproductive all day, but excused it as much-needed down time.

self-fulfilling prophecy

Was up SUPER early, feeling really ambivalent about the long day of competition ahead.  Performed with much less gusto than i've ever done, knowing that at this tournament, with this many schools, with these unprepared speeches, i wasn't going to break anyway.  disappointment was subdued by the relief of packing up and going home a day early.

Long weekend ahead

Actually got up early and got work done from 8-12 before loading into the van and heading off for KY for the forensics tournament.  Forensics is feeling like one giant to-do list as opposed to a center for learning, fun, passion, and story-telling: I wish I could regain the excitement I once felt.

When one interaction defines the rest

A meeting halfway through the day was filled with biting humor, and as usual, a sense of things-that-must-be-done-soon, which made me less confident in my ability to accomplish everything expected of me as a student, worker, filmmaker, and friend. Was still feeling the tension when i went into "work" work, which prompted my assistant manager to call in someone to cover the last half of my shift, giving me four extra hours to attack the to-do list (which included various hw odds and ends, but more importantly speech prep and packing for the trip to Berea this weekend).

i love new toys

hit the snooze, as i'm likely to do, and ended up sleeping through chapel, though i used the time to look over my script and tweak my forensics speech.  was resentful during classes because they just keep adding MORE WORK which is totally unfair at this point in the game.  afterwards i babysat for the first time since high school, but spent a delightful hour and a half getting to know the kids.  went home and got a new snazzy computer that so far i LOVE, and then fought the rest of the evening to concentrate on homework instead of my new gadget.  i can't help it...did you know it has fingerprint identification?!  and a webcam??  and video making programs? and it looks freaking sweet??

chiseling away

how on earth can teachers possibly be introducing new projects NOW? at this time in the semester? really?!? i've seriously been wishing that i didn't need to sleep, because it would help me get so much more accomplished. tonight i regained some social life--went to the soap opera and then talked with a friend until past midnight, at which time i returned to my room to start on the large pile of insurmountable tasks to complete for tomorrow...

it goes on

Classes flew by as usual, this time in anticipation of the hours I would spend in the comm department, once again working on the speech I dreaded yesterday. After six hours (with various interruptions) I have a working rough draft of a rhetorical criticism....and a migraine, and feelings of time lost, and other neglected homework to complete, and laundry to do, and a room to clean...

pulled

looming over the entire day was the knowledge that the entire night would be devoted to understanding, critiquing, and explaining mickey martyr in a speech i wasn't thrilled about having to write in the first place. spent the evening playing the procrastination game, which ultimately means a sleep-deprived, panic-stricken, bitter-bus-riding alyssa.

off campus

worked all day again, but this time managed to read "cultural approach to organizations" during down time, which made me feel as if my time wasn't completely wasted. went home and had a homework party with connie. drank some wine for motivation, which i'm not necessarily sure was the best combination...guess we'll find out after my paper's graded.

i miss my friends

slept in LATE (the fault of mom's sleep-number bed and the black out curtains that make light impenetrable), went to work for the (yet again) hated afternoon shift, tried to invite people for a last-minute get-together that ultimately fell through. those who did show up, though, were those i most wanted to see and time was spent laughing, talking, and loving.

days are mundane

Drove my parents to the airport, and then to the grocery store to buy food for the weekend, back to the house to spend two hours lounging before off to the stupid mall until 9:30pm. It's discouraging to know that I spent my entire day within a ten foot radius.

sometimes i like to apply what i learn

It was clear that break was on the horizon as I slept in, skipped chapel, coasted through class, and the lazed away the afternoon with Connie until I traveled home into a whirlwind of emotions. Mom offered to buy me a new laptop (which meant that I had to once again give up my pursuit of a macbook and settle for a refurbished dell...but beggars can't be choosers), and after an hour of researching the best combination of memory, optical drive, operating system, etc, we placed the order and she began to feel some post-decision dissonance. Unfortunately, my warm, encouraging responses did little to ease her state of mind...

that i would be good

Though comm theory was especially stressful (felt like I had been thrown back into the realm of social-experiments conducted in groups class...this time with a larger, less familiar group which heightened my uncertainty), which led to the start of carefree chow-down in the cafeteria (of course, instantly dropping my self-esteem five points), the day ended generally well. Two back-to-back meetings with two favorite people who granted me grace and respect that I don't normally experience outside of familial relationships.

Huh. Perhaps i can be good, despite (or even in virtue of) my fallen-ness...

(Learned the value of the ellipses ending...)

Maybe? It's coming together?

I read something the other day that talked about how our stories aren't neat and tidy, and when we retell them they're not always right. Unless there's some reason to retell our experiences, they slowly fade from our memory.

And what's more, as soon as we *tell* the memory, we not longer have a memory, but a story of a memory, that is only as accurate as our first dramatization.

I'm just worried as I continue this project that I'm not capturing the stories of my life. I'm afraid that I'm telling a list of events, that I'm ultimately going to forget about despite these documented reminders.

I want to find the best way to share my life on a day-by-day basis. What happened today that was mundane and original, or surprising and wonderful? How do these elements combine into a story?

This Monday was filled like any other, classes not overwhelmed with demands, working to find my ground through this impossible point in the semester, playing catch up with other neglected (though equally important) areas of my life before a quick and dirty performance and outline of my speech followed by hours of paper writing.

My comm analysis is in its barest forms, though I felt reassured after I presented it and friends told me I was on the right path towards being a comm professor.

Somedays I'm A Little Narcissistic

today i felt like punching all those phenomenological theorists in the face. no! i will NOT approach others with an openness and a desire to know where they're coming from! i refuse to try and discover who other people really are! i will not engage in empathy! why can't they all just acknowledge ME and MY desires and MY troubles???

all this beauty

spent the day with my mom, which, like always, filled me with layers of love, adoration, respect, annoyance, frustration, and pity. today for some reason, i noticed the vanity of women, or at least the vanity present in my relationship with my mother. complaints of her body prompted my own complaints, coaxed from me through a desire for and tendency to engage in reciprocity, which ironically happened simultaneously with activities that (supposedly) help to bolster self-image, though more often offer ephemeral conceptions or confidence of beauty.

the end of...

after functioning on six hours of sleep for the entire week, i spent the afternoon in a haze. Casting didn't go so well (didn't cast any of my 'top picks'; it was so bad that the professor said "at least you'll be a really good coach to bringing out their characters"), film discussion felt long, and due to my lack of sleep and inability to think, i was unable to invest as passionately as usual, work was dull dull dull, went to bed early without accomplishing anything.

just when i thought i was gaining stability

felt that today would be less stressful than the past few, but when i got home after work i realized that the paper i turned in today was NOT due (in fact, i never had to write it at all...I'm supposed to write a paper for NEXT week) and that instead i was supposed to write an application log that was due at 9. did i mention that i realized this at midnight? when i also realized that i needed to write a critique AND read 60 pages for the next day?

yeah. so much for getting caught up and staying on task.

acceptance does not demand perfection

breakfast with audrey at 7:30 (seven-thirty!!!); verbally processed film theory; performed in the story-centered department chapel; lunch with women who care deeply about co-creating stories, investigating them, learning from them, and helping people decipher them; met with directing crew to plan day 2 auditions; intimidating film exam that I was ill-prepared to write (as I have difficulty forming coherent thoughts under a time frame); watched theatre class do ridiculous activities for the benefit of the directing class; dinner alone; task central belden village; suite cuddling; functional perspective on group decision making. wait? didn't i study this before? can't i just turn in those notes again?

generally didn't feel as if i performed to perfection, or even to adequate measures, but that the effort was accepted and recognized by people who are important to me.

when risks are good

felt generally successful even in the midst of not-getting-much-done-ness. took some risks that i think will be good in the long run as examples for applied learning (deciding on a theory about ideographs for Falafel, making an 8x10 print of a not-awesome picture, but then food-coloring the negative space to create a nice composition, practicing for oral presentation tomorrow that isn't necessarily in my comfort zone...).

Days when I'm tired of hearing the same thing

On the Monday, when i'm acutely aware of both the amount of tasks and the effort that they'll take to accomplish, I spent the first part of the day in an angry flurry, lashing out at anyone around. My favorite class did little to relieve the tension, but instead escalated my frustration through my fear and lack of preparation for the test on Wednesday. Auditions for 10-Minute-Play festival were successful, not what I expected, though lifted my mood by virtue of being full of life-giving, passionate students generally interested and invested in theatre. Switched roles of student/coach to listen to Ann's program for Joy's retirement, and thought for a second about the overarching path I'm walking, as opposed to the demands of the day. Was struck by the "magic" of the moment in such a familiar/mundane setting and wondered why I had never noticed it before. Realized that when I interact with people everyday, instead of talking, I simply relay my latest list of burdens and stress. I can't imagine what they're thinking, because frankly, I'm sick of hearing about it myself.

on sundays

Worked all day in The Kiosk, where I was bombarded by hoards of angry elderly insisting that their 25-year-old Seiko watches MUST work with the new battery because they've been so reliable for the past twenty-five years!, even though that's exactly the reason why they're not working now. Spent the evening inventing new ways of a) avoiding homework and b) engaging in self-pity (something I definitely DON'T have time for).

the opposite of two-sentences

I woke in the morning to my mother calling and asking for a ride to the Malone alumni lunch-in-the-quad event, because apparently Russ had asked her questions too early in the morning and she just agreed to let him take the jeep for the day. So I roused myself from my one-and-only-catch-up-on-sleep-day and trekked out to EC to fetch my mom.

We stopped in at Muggs (where I saw my ex-with-a-wife once again, this time with a molestache!) and bought coffees to go. Navigated Mom to the quad where she picked up her gifts (a hoard of MU merch (surprise, grumble grumble) YET surprisingly a free College blanket, which now adorns my bed) and we ate. Overall, we weren't at the event any longer than twenty minutes.

We stopped briefly into the dorm before heading back home--halfway there I realized that I had left my black and white film at school that I absolutely NEEDED for my new photography assingment/project because I was planning on taking pictures around the house. Drove BACK to Malone after about an hour of waiting for Russ to show up with the jeep (he never did; I just wasted more of my gas), and then BACK to my house for pictures.

and then I drove back to Malone once again for the homecoming dance that I wasn't really excited about anyways. I stayed for an hour, then left to go watched Spaced with a friend and his friend. Had a beer, drove to Taco Bell, and on the way back, hit a deer. I mean, the deer hit me, because that's how you phrase it for insurance purposes. Waited for the sheriff to arrive, and when he did I was asked to sit in the back of the cruiser to write out my statement. Overall, was happy he didn't administer a breathilizer test.

Left friend's house a little bitter and confused about the relationship, but instead of going to bed like i should've because I had to work Sunday morning, i visited another friend who works midnights at Speedway. Crawled into bed around 5 am.

On days like this, when life seems so distinct and separated by the events of the day, I feel obliged to document them all.

run, run, run

seems to be the most common definition of my days. life stories, convocation chapel (really? a flag, doves, strategic lighting of the emblem, "the hope of the world"?!), directing, history and theory of film, comm work, dinner, laramie project, spats and cane, finally back to the room for some late night homework. The Laramie Project was surprisingly moving. I was struck time and again by the genuineness of each character and my willingness to believe them. Got me thinking a lot about storytelling, the different forms that are more/less effective for certain stories, and the ones I should be sharing.

not much substance

working at belden took up most of my day with the dreaded 8 hour afternoon shift that sucks my life away. Went to muggs with some old friends, where I attempted to navigate that unfamiliar territory of old and new identities colliding. Finished "Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl" by Harriot Jacobs for Life Stories. Thought about what I would have been like at that time--polar fears of absolute paralysis as a slave versus domineering slaveholder. Ever wonder if you would be that person you want to be? maybe someone should make a movie where the protagonist is continually forced to acknowledge what they would be, or who they are, as opposed to their glorified constructions. maybe it's simply an idea i should digest more.

I've never been very good.

felt like i had an eternity in the morning without chapel or immediate demands for my classes. in the afternoon, all the time i thought i had to devote to various projects was slowly ripped away as I was forced to recognize other commitments. Realized that I am really bad at flirting, which gave me something to think about through the afternoon that I spent in the photo lab, attempting to make worthwhile prints, but ultimately wasted most of my time confused. Finished one of the three prints I need done by Tuesday. Went reluctantly to ME-TV, though taping was short, sweet, and to-the-point. The production meeting that followed was overall encouraging, giving me renewed fervor for the program: a feeling I haven't felt since freshman year. Watched Stagecoach with two members from my HATOF class, took notes, but didn't have as many insightful observations as I did on the last film. Was up late doing work for Friday to try and free up time for planning weekend projects so that next week won't be hell. I've never been very good at planning ahead.