For the first time...some ideas of something more

Felt surprisingly free today--not dragged down by various commitments clamoring for my time. For the first time, I felt like I had general control over my workload, though that was quickly dispelled when I went to photography class and realized that I was three prints behind. Working in the comm department was generally laid back today, as I lazed about and casually typed a few paragraphs, exhibiting complete confidence that I had no need to rush. Life Stories was stimulating as usual, though yet again I was convinced that I was talking far too much for my own good (this time possibly offending (!) other people with my far left (!) views). I was genuinely trying to be wholly open to the other perspective, though perhaps I was falling a bit too much on the rigid absolutionist side of the narrow ridge of inbetween.

a long list of events

was up and down all day, never landing on one emotion for longer than an hour. made two short films of realist and formalist nature in hatof with stephen, chris, rick, and cory. they accepted many of my ideas, which made me feel a little more validated in my attempts to join this relatively unfamiliar affinity group. worked for the comm department today, though i didn't get much done (two very well formed paragraphs!....). i'm happy that my current employer values me as a person enough to worry about the amount of hours i'm working at dakota, but his insistence that i step away fills me with certainty that i am a push-over who will always want whatever it is that makes other people happy. two members of the forensics team decided to drop their commitments, which leaves me under loads of pressure and unsure of whether this is really the best place for me. the evening was spent deciphering relational dialectics.

9/28/08

was determined to get up early and do laundry, but after my roommate's alarm went off two hours earlier than i intended to rise, i decided it would be most beneficial for me to sleep in while i still had the chance. worked the short shift at Dakota, but was reprimanded for asking for more time off. spent the evening struggling over relational dialectics, dissecting mickey martyr, reading harriot jacobs, and raging against general maintenance activities (like laundry). spent the day binging, and then feeling the accompanying guilt. read "raising eyebrows," written by a classmate, and was overcome with amazement at her talent for storytelling.

9/27/08

sleepign in this morning felt more than therapeutic--it felt like an essential three hours to restore my mind and body back to functionality. had lunch at the margarita factory for their last day open. it was both sad and enjoyable: one last look into a series of emotional fluctuations of people who i barely know, stranded, jobless, but still there out of their devotion to the patrons, not out of loyalty to the company. sludging through homework was majorly unsuccessful, but i felt good that for the most part my day was dominated by events and actions that worked towards self-affirmation in a bigger way than effectively accomplishing the demands of school. ended the night weeping.

record record

a friend and professor just ended a blog that he wrote on everyday for a year.

i didn't realize it was only supposed to be for a year when i started reading.

the point is, i read faithfully, everyday, about what was happening in his life. his writings brought me relief and challenge. they challenged me because when he squeezed his experiences down, he simplified it to the basic sensations that moved him forward. he often reflected on "big" ideas that he gained through the simplest of activities. I was always impressed by the way he was able to incorporate something more into the mundane--something i've felt incapable of. they brought me relief much the same way a good story or film can--by offering a window into the life of someone else. watching his life unfold before me through his eyes gave confirmation of the world as bigger than the individual.

some days he reflected on activities that I had been involved in. i got to read his interpretation, his involvement, how it impacted (or didn't impact) his life. in a way, i experienced that year along with him. we were co-creators of a social space wherein we both had knowledge of the past and equal anticipation of the future.

the abrupt end leaves me afraid that the connection is somehow lost. that i will never regain the assurance of humanity that he left me with.

so i'm creating my own.

this is my attempt to re-create what he did. to challenge myself to look at my day(s) as more than a series of separate events. to challenge myself to keep up with something everyday. to document my life. to tell my stories in order to make sense of my social world. to help someone else.

i'm allowing myself to write as little or as much as I want. i'm also allowing myself the choice to skip days altogether without feeling the pressure of having to play "catch up." my life is busy, and if i get behind, i don't want this being another "failure."

so if you're reading, welcome. i hope this gives you hope.

documentary.

i'm not a documentary film maker. i'm not even a documentary film watcher. i'm a story watcher. i like films that get me lost in the story. documentaries don't really do that for me.

but i'm making one.

on my own life.

my spiritual life, to be exact.

i'm feeling a little lost. not sure what i'll do to keep it visually stimulating. not sure how to thematically place it into a cohesive whole. not sure how to form my history into an enticing story so that i, and others, can make sense of it.

i'm still excited.