that i would be good

Though comm theory was especially stressful (felt like I had been thrown back into the realm of social-experiments conducted in groups class...this time with a larger, less familiar group which heightened my uncertainty), which led to the start of carefree chow-down in the cafeteria (of course, instantly dropping my self-esteem five points), the day ended generally well. Two back-to-back meetings with two favorite people who granted me grace and respect that I don't normally experience outside of familial relationships.

Huh. Perhaps i can be good, despite (or even in virtue of) my fallen-ness...

(Learned the value of the ellipses ending...)

Maybe? It's coming together?

I read something the other day that talked about how our stories aren't neat and tidy, and when we retell them they're not always right. Unless there's some reason to retell our experiences, they slowly fade from our memory.

And what's more, as soon as we *tell* the memory, we not longer have a memory, but a story of a memory, that is only as accurate as our first dramatization.

I'm just worried as I continue this project that I'm not capturing the stories of my life. I'm afraid that I'm telling a list of events, that I'm ultimately going to forget about despite these documented reminders.

I want to find the best way to share my life on a day-by-day basis. What happened today that was mundane and original, or surprising and wonderful? How do these elements combine into a story?

This Monday was filled like any other, classes not overwhelmed with demands, working to find my ground through this impossible point in the semester, playing catch up with other neglected (though equally important) areas of my life before a quick and dirty performance and outline of my speech followed by hours of paper writing.

My comm analysis is in its barest forms, though I felt reassured after I presented it and friends told me I was on the right path towards being a comm professor.

Somedays I'm A Little Narcissistic

today i felt like punching all those phenomenological theorists in the face. no! i will NOT approach others with an openness and a desire to know where they're coming from! i refuse to try and discover who other people really are! i will not engage in empathy! why can't they all just acknowledge ME and MY desires and MY troubles???

all this beauty

spent the day with my mom, which, like always, filled me with layers of love, adoration, respect, annoyance, frustration, and pity. today for some reason, i noticed the vanity of women, or at least the vanity present in my relationship with my mother. complaints of her body prompted my own complaints, coaxed from me through a desire for and tendency to engage in reciprocity, which ironically happened simultaneously with activities that (supposedly) help to bolster self-image, though more often offer ephemeral conceptions or confidence of beauty.

the end of...

after functioning on six hours of sleep for the entire week, i spent the afternoon in a haze. Casting didn't go so well (didn't cast any of my 'top picks'; it was so bad that the professor said "at least you'll be a really good coach to bringing out their characters"), film discussion felt long, and due to my lack of sleep and inability to think, i was unable to invest as passionately as usual, work was dull dull dull, went to bed early without accomplishing anything.

just when i thought i was gaining stability

felt that today would be less stressful than the past few, but when i got home after work i realized that the paper i turned in today was NOT due (in fact, i never had to write it at all...I'm supposed to write a paper for NEXT week) and that instead i was supposed to write an application log that was due at 9. did i mention that i realized this at midnight? when i also realized that i needed to write a critique AND read 60 pages for the next day?

yeah. so much for getting caught up and staying on task.

acceptance does not demand perfection

breakfast with audrey at 7:30 (seven-thirty!!!); verbally processed film theory; performed in the story-centered department chapel; lunch with women who care deeply about co-creating stories, investigating them, learning from them, and helping people decipher them; met with directing crew to plan day 2 auditions; intimidating film exam that I was ill-prepared to write (as I have difficulty forming coherent thoughts under a time frame); watched theatre class do ridiculous activities for the benefit of the directing class; dinner alone; task central belden village; suite cuddling; functional perspective on group decision making. wait? didn't i study this before? can't i just turn in those notes again?

generally didn't feel as if i performed to perfection, or even to adequate measures, but that the effort was accepted and recognized by people who are important to me.