the good

I think I'm learning to better fight off the black-day symptoms, or maybe my friends do it for me, but whatever the reason I was entirely content when I drove through the sunset home, toward other people who always fit comfortably in my life, my heart, and my soul. The drive, the music, the company, the horizon lifted me to indescribable, unbelievable peace of mind.

Friday

Mom had the day off, so we went to a local diner and had a wonderfully greasy breakfast, and I lounged the day away before driving up to Ashtabula for a reunion with Chris, Meredith, and Nate. Felt myself slide once again into a unsureness, seclusion, and an unsafe space of escalating doubt.

A New Summer Tradition

Dropped off the Mexico video to be copied, and visited with Kerrie, Connie, and Maya. Waited for late night rehearsal, and afterwards we met with Paul at Ferraro's for late night laughs.

Some substance

Running to the airport, to campus, home, back around campus trying to finish a myriad of tasks finally seemed to give my day a little bit of purpose. Was still battling a sickness, so the evening was spent lazily trying to recover.

sick and unmotivated, a dangerous combination

Woke sick, sneezing and feverish, which quite ruined my afternoon plans with Paul, and made rehearsal in the evening quite unbearable. Drove up to Ann's, blasting the heat and trying to break the fever, only to pretend like I felt dandy in front of just un-hospitalized Tom.

pining

After some plans went awry in the early afternoon, I was convinced that all my relationships were solely one-sided and I was determined to ostracize myself until *they* contacted *me*. I was quickly proven wrong, and felt guilty and also a little ridiculous at the assumption that none of my friends care or would forget me should I fail to contact them first. Art, movies, wine, coffee and fellowship through the evening.

Yes...Live Long...

After seeing Star Trek (for the second time!), I was enamored by all the values I had articulated in my fandom/trekkie lecture. While I've never followed the TV show, the movie still captured my imagination and rapidly and profoundly instilled elements of its ideology in my heart. I couldn't believe how quickly I adapted to follow their endeavors, and even how starkly my emotions changed within a few scenes. I totally would've been a trekkie had we had access to cable when I was a child.

You'll be the First to Know

I went to a rugby game with Heather, Doug, Susie, and Mike, and then to Billy'z afterwards to enjoy some time with family. After being hit on by a short drunken rugby player, I protested my aunts' persistence that I should hit this guy up--this crude, crass, pitiful excuse for a man (if you would have just heard the things he said to me! How dare they insist upon this coupledom!)--and instead invited myself along to dinner with my grandma and grandpa. We went to a Hibachi restaurant, where I was once again reminded of their disapproval of my relationship status. Perhaps they don't understand that I'm just as upset as they are to be single, but their attempts to "fix" this apparent flaw is not appreciated, and I'm sorry that I can satisfy their expectations or live up to my cousins' rapid exchange of boyfriends and potentials introduced to the family.

Abandoning Responsibility (as if I haven't been doing that enough lately)

Mom took the day off work, so after I slept in I bolted to Muggswigz for some quiet time away from the puppy. Did some reading for my thesis, and then Mom and I went to a local bar and got buzzed and enjoyed life with each other.

An Uncharacteristic Runway Walk

Dressed up and made up, I was greeted with a surprising amount of compliments for my rapidly thrown together outfit, and ignored the nagging voice protesting the satisfaction I felt from adhering to standards and expectations of femininity and beauty.  Strangely indulgent and confident, I wondered at the astounding mood boost such appeals to my physical appearance gave me (I should not be left alone with the OXYGN channel or WE TV).

Getting Stuck, Doing Nothing, Needing More

Got up early to take care of the puppy, then watched America's Next Top Model until Mom came home.  I was desperate to feel productive, so I went to Muggswigz to attempt to get more work done on my thesis, but unfortunately distractions ran high and I left having written little more than two sentences (if only it was for the two-sentences-a-day blog, right???). 

Stuck in Naievete

Tried to be satisfied and grateful for the situations I find myself a part.  Was frustrated by my inability to commit to decisions of self-betterment, despite claims of motivation and determination.

A Sudden Betrayal

Maya's constant need for attention is exhausting, and yet there's something oddly comforting in caring for another living creature (no doubt spurned by my need for reassurance that yes! i WILL be a good mother!).  After finding out about a potential friend-coupling after rehearsal, I suddenly felt much less appreciative of the new pup's unconditional love, instead wondering why equivalent human love never seems easy, or giving, or fulfilling enough.  The two hour drive home accentuated the solemnity, heightened my bitterness, and made me wish I could live without feeling the need to attach myself, knowing that it leads to disappointment.

Just for Mother's Day

Celebrating Mom doesn't always mean buying chocolates and wine and dinner, but sometimes just acknowledging her as the wise, experienced woman that she is.  Unfortunately, knowing that mom is always right can impact your night in not-so-uplifting ways, and rather you end up resentful and emotionally withdrawn.  Or maybe it's just me.

Remember? Okay, next year....

Connie and I got up early and went to Malone's Commencement ceremony at First Christian.  Caught up in memories of the past and expectations of the future, I went back home and wasted the day babysitting the new pup.

Di Prisconte and Of Eeckout

Got up early with mom, because we decided on a not-so-whimsical idea that we wanted to get a new puppy.  We traveled up to Whited KP something in Tallmadge, and found our Maya--Maya Von Whittenheim the Doberman.  She was the last of her litter, the reject with little scars on her forehead from her mean brothers and sisters.

She's well-bred with natural ears (though Russ wants them docked), sired from the world champion in Germany and an imported dobbie from Italy.

Brought her home, then spent another five hours at Malone finishing the Mexico video.  Spent the evening with Connie and Maya.

Break is here

Went back into Malone to work on the Mexico video.  Felt weird for being on campus still after the semester's finish, and yet i hope i belong.  Lazy evening with mom.  Coffee with Paulie at Ferraro's.

my muse

packing.  dentist teeth cleaning?  packing, loading, wings and beer with mom, anti-virus computer problem fixing at home.

didn't realize i would be thrown so violently back into the realm of appreciation and annoyance within our intense fluctuating forgiving relationship.

The Last Day of the Semester

I dallied packing, went down to the comm department to "work" on the webpage, to the opposition of Andrew who declared that I should be writing my prospectus!  After a brief, encouraging phone call about my work so far, I decided that if I truly want to be satisfied with this project, I should take an incomplete.  My first ever--and seeing the "I" on the grade report is unnerving and foreign.

In the evening, after a trip to Denny's, Meredith tried to remedy the reemergence of suppressed feelings by taking me to Geisenhaus with Chris and Alex for a Cinco de Mayo celebration.  I wish I had committed to joining their group earlier.  I'm glad that I didn't leave this semester.  I wish the summer could include more certainty about these new, fragile friendships.

History

I spent all day in front of my computer--finishing my paper about "All Quiet on the Western Front," and then creating a study guide for the final.  Fell asleep dreaming of the long and short term causes of the Great War, wondering if WWII was inevitable, contemplating Hitler's rise to power...

not trying

Slept in, met with Andrew about my impossible thesis prospectus that needs to be finished asap but that i keep pushing off because it doesn't feel quite as immediate as the other responsibilities looming in the nearer future, felt once again inhibited and panicked and andrew probably hates all of our meetings because i get so defensive about my work because i'm so self-conscious and vulnerable and impossible.  watched the movie for my history paper, had dinner with meredith, chris, ruthie, nate, and nate's twin Jon, talked with Stephen while we were supposed to be writing papers, and then went out to applebees.  feeling, yet again, that i'm wasting my time.  forever inadequate. will never overcome my feelings of uselessness, and i don't even know how to try.

Not a very good update...

have been incredibly busy because of finals and such.  don't remember the last 2 weeks enough to go through and do a day-by-day.  here are some highlights:

I have fully integrated myself with Chris and Meredith (and sometimes Nate and Stephen and Paul).  So much so that I have often made horrible homework decisions and socialized too much so that I'm constantly trying to do late-night homework and failing miserably and getting good sleep.  This is the first time I've had to battle with a social life.

The film fest happened (4.24.09).  It was amazing.  Despite a minor, stress-induced fit over the films line-up, I felt honored and humbled to have such a well-received reaction to my film.  We won: best actress, best cinematographer, best supporting actress, best screenplay, best director, and best film.  What a night! (visit definitionmovie.blogspot.com or theopenframeblog.blogspot.com for more info!)

Interviewed another candidate for the open position in the commarts department.

finished classes.

pulled an all-nighter in order to: grade blogs, write a rubric for media systems analysis, write part of my prospectus. 

Finished a pretty awesome final project for photography on no sleep. 

Finished reading All Quiet on the Western Front, and stayed up all night again studying for my chemistry exam.

Did badly on the chemistry exam.

Asked for my very first paper extension, ever.

Slept all day instead of working on my history paper.

Started to panic about the immense amount of work that still needs to be finished before I move out for summer...

Balancing Intense New Friendships

Instead of going to church with Nate, I went to ACRC and got free lunch and tried to let it go and feel satisfied regardless of high expectations.  That evening, got together with the four again, received an apology, and then did homework in the barn until late.  Still waffling.