a day that felt even longer than usual, despite many usual activities

got up at 6:30am in order to prep for the first internship processing meeting at 7:30, then went to MMS where i felt very excited about semiotics (again!), and then i began a long string of task completion/obligation fulfillment.  Photo lab (where i printed TONS of material, and felt really good about it until Gary told me that I needed to reprint my picture because of one tiny little corner that was under exposed...), catching up with Brandy (about film fest and life in general), letter(s) to Mallory (both joyous...and more serious in nature), and then! my last day at Dakota!   When I finally crawled into bed, I felt like I had been awake for an eternity...

snow day

early in the morning, paula poked her head into our room to inform us that indeed! we had a snow day!!  I made an excited squeal right before rolling over and sleeping in until ten thirty, and then i spent the rest of the day dueling my desires to both be productive and to abandon responsibility--thankfully, i did a bit of each, and successfully felt satisfied.

meetings

MMS was its norm (where i sit back, watch the dog-and-pony-show, answering a few questions when i can), but the rest of the day was quickly consumed by meetings of various sorts: connie and lisa at the wellness center, debbie at the weigh in, mom at harmon's, production meeting, another production meeting and then?  reading lots of student blogs kept me up ridiculously late...

my day with lots of classes

ultimately means that i'm ineffective on task-completion, as i go to chem, chapel, history, chem lab, break-for-small-tasks-that-start-to-overwhelm-me-because-of-their-increasing-numbers, sosc, tv network meeting (where i feel pulls of devotion and estrangement), and then back to the room to again try to make progress on my reading list.  ended the evening with a DDR party with the suities--a first for the suite, and a first for the game in such a context (for me).

from iconography to ideology

sundays in january mean long work days for alyssa, and i sat at the kiosk listening to summer's incessant bickering, trying TRYING to be mindful of her emotions and needs, but ultimately failing.  went back to the suite, where I began steadily drudging through another book on film genre.

a crossroads of sorts

i sat in one spot all day and read: emperor of china, sociological perspective, boy meets girl meets genre.  i went to work, came back, read some more, and broke the promise i had made myself that "no matter what i had left to do, i would still grant myself permission to relax with one of my netflix films."  sometimes, when that which you love intersects with that which you begin devoting your career to, it crashes into a messy mixture of desire and responsibility and indulgence and obligation.

fighting sickness

Class went by quickly, and in the afternoon I felt effective as I plowed through webpage stuff.  I visited Amber and baby Liam, then had a much-anticipated dinner with the suities at Irish Exchange, and then, still fighting this wretched cold, I drifted to be at a very early hour only to miss a surprise visit from vince and tyler...

Less than

MMS in the morning, short shift at the mall, photo lab, writers meeting, homework.  All of the events of the day made me feel less-than.

inquiries

Felt nauseous all morning as I got ready for my "white girl's response to MLK" walk for chapel, and then walked briskly to my class with the adrenaline that only feels good after the speaking is over.  Was it good?  Did I do okay?  Was it weird having the camera at my back the entire time?  Did I talk too fast?  Did I stumble at the end? 

My weekly meeting was fun and lighthearted, despite a sense of forlornness pushed aside to accommodate me and my projects--and the accompanying gratitude that I was suddenly overcome by.  Not wishing to turn emotional and awkward, I said a quick thanks, before I ended with more questions...Will I ever feel good about the project?  Is it worth it?  Should I change it?

Spent a wonderful afternoon out with Tyler taking pictures, having a great time, stopping when I liked an image/landscape/object, feeling liberated, and then wrote and read the night away answering: how did the renaissance change the western interpretation of beauty?  how was the renaissance different from the middle ages?  what's the chemical equation for the combustion of a hydrocarbon under conditions where oxygen is limited?  how has the romantic comedy developed as a genre?

...

When School Ends, and That's All The Responsibility Required

I felt...free?  Is that even possible?  Free to do what I want?  Like, watch a movie not required for homework?  Or, go to dinner with my mom?  Or begin editing my spiritual autobiography?  There's life to be lived in between classes??

A queer feeling tells me this will be the schedule of my life for a very long time...

I woke early, and then I read.  I did some laundry, and then I read.  I took a shower, and then I read.  I took a nap, and then I read.  I did the dishes, and then I read.  I ran out of things to do intermittently between my reading, so I read. 

work

I woke with a sore throat, and immediately knew the cause of my sudden desire for early bed-time the night before.  Worked open to close, enjoying my time with Jasmine, but hating the setting.  Back at school, I read and read and only made a slight dent on my to-do list...

Not to mention reading about great films only makes me realize how much i have yet to learn to develop a voice in the great conversation...

rollercoaster

worked 9:30-5:30, hating every second of it, only feeling good about the surprise visit from tyler that brightened my heart for two hours.  after that, i felt all around disgusted by myself, and indulged in serious self-deprecation before i sniffled and tucked myself in at 10. 

why?

really hoped for a snow day, but instead i got to drag myself to chemisty, trekked across campus in treacherous weather conditions, and then went "filming" (or rather, searching for "good" shots that would have "potential" for the spiritual autobiography) in downtown, lousiville, and EC.  gathered lots of pictures, scanned them at walmart, and then crawled into bed once again with the unsurety that always seems to follow excitement for new projects...

relieved

second day teaching MMS was much like the first, where I took care of random tasks like taking pictures and passing out papers, and afterward I met with the registrar to get things taken care of for oxford app (and they tried once again to give me more bureaucratic run-around). got tons of stuff done on the webpage--with much frustration--then had another meeting and (hopefully) finished the tasks i need to for SSO.  felt so relieved, that i relieved myself of obligations and had heartfelt conversation with people i needed to connect with before it's too late.

still getting started

the third day of classes included more administrative things, not so much learning.  wanted to film, but got ditched, and it worked out well since the first installment of weekly meetings was postponed an hour and interrupted-like-mad, but the rest of the evening filled out well as i finished tasks, and then round out the evening with a media meeting and a compliment that my script was "indie and quirky and cool..."

Oscillating

I stood awkwardly in the corner while Andrew ranted about the syllabus to our MMS class this morning, and after I began a long series of errands, stops, general catching-up: successful weigh-in, eating class, oil change, registrar, business office, provost secretary, new study-abroad contact guy, financial aid, business office, lady head-of-business, registrar, student development, dinner with mom, and finally!  I got back to my room, and I composed the tentative reading schedule for my thesis, and I felt my initial excitement turn into cold, paralyzing fear at the task that stands in front of me...

a quick return to the busy-normalcy that is my life at school

8 am: drag myself out of bed to look good for the first day of class
9 am: go to the dreaded "uses of chemistry in society" class, where I had an unfortunate run-in much sooner than I had expected
10 am: go back to the room, only to rush back down to the comm department for last-minute questions before I start TAing.
11 am: World History with Miller, who snagged my attention immediately when he said we would be learning history like a story...
12 pm: Rush to my Chem lab, where I was randomly paired with my lab partner, went over safety things, and then left early to visit with Ann
1 pm: in the room researching for thesis
2 pm: buy books--only 3 texts, but $300 nonetheless
3 pm: decide not to go to visit boss after the semi-friendly text she sent welcoming me back after the semester; research thesis instead
5:30 pm: Principles of Sociology--huge class with ridiculous expectations and copious amounts of reading (that would not normally be intimidating--if I wasn't planning on reading 20+ scholastic books for my study of the sub-genre of romantic comedy...)
7 pm: get out of class early and travel to the latter half of forensics
8 pm: back in room, small gift exchange, read Chem Ch. 1.  Do hw questions, feel relieved when most can be done on prior chem knowledge.
9 pm: create working bibliography for thesis.  begin to organize reading schedule.
12 am: shower...what the hell am I still doing up?  I have 8 am MMS teaching tomorrow!  I have to look professional and presentable!

a small hint of what's to come, i'm sure

worked the long shift that the boss has become so fond of scheduling me on sundays, during which i wrote my resignation letter.  rushed home to pack, load the car, kiss mom, drive to school, unload, rush back out to walmart, stop home again for essentials i forgot the first time, unpack, revise mass media syllabus, crawl into bed much later than i should in retrospect of the early hour i needed to get up...

emotional person, crappy day

was moody, emotional, irrational, and intolerable all day.  stayed in despite promises to go out with friends.

Fame and Fear

I researched three hours for journals and books that would inform my thesis, sitting in front of the computer until the light faded and I sat illuminated purely by the glow of my computer screen.  Alyssa and I went out to Starbucks, but not before Mom argued that I shouldn't go out into the weather--arguments backed with ridiculous claims that "alyssa wears rubber boots--what does she know?"  I got a little irritable, said some rash words, and walked out the door.   Driving down the snow covered road, I began thinking about how quickly I could die, and how the last thing I said was flippant and rude...  I was struck with an almost certain fear that this would be it. 

But then we made it to our destination, and the fears drifted to the back of my mind.  It's funny how quickly it appears that danger is out of the way--especially after someone recognized me in Starbucks from my role in From Script to You.  I lived briefly in a fleeting fantasy of fame. 

the superego rears its ugly head once again

had one of those really-dense-meetings that Andrew and I have apparently become so fond of, but this one felt care-free and joyous despite the number of things-that-must-be-done, probably because the semester has yet to start.  Two hours later, I traveled back to Canton for a storytelling meeting at Muggswigz, where I sat awkwardly in the middle of the table poised between two conversations that I couldn't hear.  The glimpse of conversation I did catch helped me feel excited and passionate about what they're doing, to the point where I came home and wrote my application.  As soon as I started to consider the logistics, the implications, the possible failure...I started to feel ambivalent once again.

bad weather

Connie and I saw a moving commercial about adopting animals, so we risked the bad weather to go to the Humane Society, which had closed ten minutes before we got there.  Disappointed, we fishtailed our way to dinner with Mom (while I reassured Connie with comments like "we're fiiiiine.  clearly, nothing is happening.  my car is NOT spinning out of control.  the power of positive thinking!"), and then stayed in and watched Burn After Reading.  

Reunion

was planning on going to Malone for a catch-all meeting, but after some confusion (and amusing email-conversation), I ended up staying in instead.  Waited for Connie to come over, after which we exchanged gifts and watched TV until late.  Glad to have her back in town.

an end, and a new beginning

Lunch with Cassy started as an opportunity to delve into our past, our present, and our lives both together and apart--but instead we chatted about meaningless things, i think effectively ending the close-friendship we once had (though granted potential may have already run out).  Went out to Aultman for second first weigh in for my diet, being reprimanded slightly for not going in three months.  Hoping that this time I can find the strength to finish it out...

the days swirl

worked open to close, then went to our company Christmas dinner for gossip and heartfelt conversation. cuddled with mom, read a book, watched movies, crawled into bed. Specifics escape my mind as my days blur together into an indecipherable swirl.

a list and a thought

I got to see Cassy for the first time in two years--with surprisingly small amounts of resentment (on both sides) for the lack of contact during our time apart.  Her, Mom, and I went to Grinders for dinner, followed by a rush out to Belden and then a party for Rachel.  It's hard to realize that so many close friends are actually leaving--and there's a possibility that I won't see them after that week in May... 

a resolution, perhaps?

got up at 6:45 am in order to go with Ben and his parents out to Ravenna to see the house Ben wants to buy.  I couldn't figure out if I was just a distraction, or if I was asked along to be his "beard" (like it would be the first time...HA!).  Came home, took a nap, then mom and I made buckeyes and spinach dip while watching GhostTown.  Do you ever think people stay friends out of habit more than actual connection, care, or love?  I hereby make a goal to NOT treat people like a habit instead of like PEOPLE.  hmm...a thought to return to later...

some small things

Ben, Tom C, and I took Ben's niece to see Twilight, and I felt happy to finally be able to talk about the movie with someone who had seen it (though slightly uncomfortable when Ben also swooned over Edward...).  Chinese buffet for dinner, then home for lounging. 

a day so boring that i can't remember two days later

really.  i don't have a clue what i did on new year's day.   hope the nothingness doesn't start to consume my entire existence...