History

I spent all day in front of my computer--finishing my paper about "All Quiet on the Western Front," and then creating a study guide for the final.  Fell asleep dreaming of the long and short term causes of the Great War, wondering if WWII was inevitable, contemplating Hitler's rise to power...

not trying

Slept in, met with Andrew about my impossible thesis prospectus that needs to be finished asap but that i keep pushing off because it doesn't feel quite as immediate as the other responsibilities looming in the nearer future, felt once again inhibited and panicked and andrew probably hates all of our meetings because i get so defensive about my work because i'm so self-conscious and vulnerable and impossible.  watched the movie for my history paper, had dinner with meredith, chris, ruthie, nate, and nate's twin Jon, talked with Stephen while we were supposed to be writing papers, and then went out to applebees.  feeling, yet again, that i'm wasting my time.  forever inadequate. will never overcome my feelings of uselessness, and i don't even know how to try.

Not a very good update...

have been incredibly busy because of finals and such.  don't remember the last 2 weeks enough to go through and do a day-by-day.  here are some highlights:

I have fully integrated myself with Chris and Meredith (and sometimes Nate and Stephen and Paul).  So much so that I have often made horrible homework decisions and socialized too much so that I'm constantly trying to do late-night homework and failing miserably and getting good sleep.  This is the first time I've had to battle with a social life.

The film fest happened (4.24.09).  It was amazing.  Despite a minor, stress-induced fit over the films line-up, I felt honored and humbled to have such a well-received reaction to my film.  We won: best actress, best cinematographer, best supporting actress, best screenplay, best director, and best film.  What a night! (visit definitionmovie.blogspot.com or theopenframeblog.blogspot.com for more info!)

Interviewed another candidate for the open position in the commarts department.

finished classes.

pulled an all-nighter in order to: grade blogs, write a rubric for media systems analysis, write part of my prospectus. 

Finished a pretty awesome final project for photography on no sleep. 

Finished reading All Quiet on the Western Front, and stayed up all night again studying for my chemistry exam.

Did badly on the chemistry exam.

Asked for my very first paper extension, ever.

Slept all day instead of working on my history paper.

Started to panic about the immense amount of work that still needs to be finished before I move out for summer...

Balancing Intense New Friendships

Instead of going to church with Nate, I went to ACRC and got free lunch and tried to let it go and feel satisfied regardless of high expectations.  That evening, got together with the four again, received an apology, and then did homework in the barn until late.  Still waffling.

Monday

classes.  read Eyes Wide Open for the second time until really late, wondering if the first time I read it I really understood Romanowski's view of Christian Criticism.

Where do we go from here?

Meredith, Chris, Nate and I had a slow morning.  Mere was still sick, and the other two were relaxing, so I cleaned and showered and made breakfast.  Headed back to campus around 2, finished some homework, and then went to Denny's with Nate and Chris to meet Paul and some new friends.  The magic of the night before seemed to dissolve into the memory, with awkward interactions and a sudden renege on a promising proposition...

The Looking Glass Self

Interviewed another candidate and then watched him teach a seminar about human interest stories.  Scheduling craziness meant that I didn't have my thesis meeting, which was probably an awful idea considering the astounding amount of work that I still need to do before the end of the semester.  Went to the NCP with Nate to check the cast list, which almost ruined the entire day and made me severely question my decision to participate.  After a bit of an uplifting talk with Meredith, I decided to let it go and just get ready for my bday party.  My first alcohol party was tons of fun, filled with people whom I love dearly, though slightly ruined when Russ (himself intoxicated) yelled profanities and obscenities towards the group halfway through the night.  I drunkenly tried to maintain situation prevention (a tactic I learned as a child in order to avoid such outbursts), and then had to sober up to take care of Meredith and be the good hostess. 

The interaction with Russ continued to bother me, even though everyone else said that it wasn't a big deal and in no way a reflection about me.  But there was a profound moment when I couldn't balance the free-spirited person I wanted to be, and the suppressed child still quivering at the harsh words from an insensitive step-father.  I still haven't learned how to navigate the intersection of two lives, even when one seems long forgotten.