Monday

classes.  read Eyes Wide Open for the second time until really late, wondering if the first time I read it I really understood Romanowski's view of Christian Criticism.

Where do we go from here?

Meredith, Chris, Nate and I had a slow morning.  Mere was still sick, and the other two were relaxing, so I cleaned and showered and made breakfast.  Headed back to campus around 2, finished some homework, and then went to Denny's with Nate and Chris to meet Paul and some new friends.  The magic of the night before seemed to dissolve into the memory, with awkward interactions and a sudden renege on a promising proposition...

The Looking Glass Self

Interviewed another candidate and then watched him teach a seminar about human interest stories.  Scheduling craziness meant that I didn't have my thesis meeting, which was probably an awful idea considering the astounding amount of work that I still need to do before the end of the semester.  Went to the NCP with Nate to check the cast list, which almost ruined the entire day and made me severely question my decision to participate.  After a bit of an uplifting talk with Meredith, I decided to let it go and just get ready for my bday party.  My first alcohol party was tons of fun, filled with people whom I love dearly, though slightly ruined when Russ (himself intoxicated) yelled profanities and obscenities towards the group halfway through the night.  I drunkenly tried to maintain situation prevention (a tactic I learned as a child in order to avoid such outbursts), and then had to sober up to take care of Meredith and be the good hostess. 

The interaction with Russ continued to bother me, even though everyone else said that it wasn't a big deal and in no way a reflection about me.  But there was a profound moment when I couldn't balance the free-spirited person I wanted to be, and the suppressed child still quivering at the harsh words from an insensitive step-father.  I still haven't learned how to navigate the intersection of two lives, even when one seems long forgotten. 

A Thursday

Class. Homework. REELATE interview. Bank run. REELATE meeting.

I'm Fucking Crazy

I slept in through my first class and chapel, and then after history ran down to the comm department to hand in my film.  Watched it with Andrew (to his chagrin), though I think he was pleasantly surprised.  I'm super proud of the work everyone has put in, and so relieved that it's finished.  But then, because I'm stupid, I decided that finishing one project means that I have the time to add on another--and so I auditioned for the New Works Festival against my logic and for the wrong reasons...

maybe I won't get cast!

Exhausted and Relieved

After MMS, I went straight to the editing suite, where I proceeded to stay for 13 hours finishing Definition.  Worked with Joel and Aaron on the sound (they worked wonders!), took a brief break for Revolving Doors, and then Nate and I finished at around 3 am.  Went out for celebratory wine-drinking and some friendship building!

not receiving grace much longer...

Edited all day.  Have been allowing myself too much slack.

Easter Birthday

Skipped church in the morning, against my initial intentions, only because I didn't want to drive to Akron twice in a day.  After cake and presents with Mom, I drove to Tallmadge for birthday celebrations and Easter dinner with Ann, Mallory, Brianne, and Tom (and Ann's brother and sister-in-law).  Had girls' night (minus Tom) and watched Nights in Rodanthe (did not inspire the cry-fest I had anticipated) and SATC. 

Mixture of activities

I felt guilty about having not done work recently, so I read the 100+ blogs for MMS, assigned grades, and then felt hesitant to discuss their (maybe?) faulty musings about my lecture.  Waited in anticipation for midnight, when Mom, Russ, and I went to Harmon's for my first legal beer--and I didn't even get carded!  Laughed at the awkwardness we all felt about the situation, though I still think it's great that my mom is so badass.

A lot of this recently

Slept in, went home, watched Run Fatboy Run with mom.  Uneventful, calm day.  Saw Tyler at work late at night, then went to bed.  Ignored responsibility.

indignant

Easter break looms on the horizon, so I'm desperate to finish the day and start a few days rest.  The freedom I felt when classes ended was cut short during my thesis meeting, as Andrew reminded me of many things that still need to be finished in the next month.  Wanting to meet the huge standard I've come to think others' expect of me, I was immobilized by the sheer magnitude of what I have to accomplish in order to fulfill it.  I threw out words of frustration quickly and irrationally, and his calm, even response and even *gratitude* for screaming these thoughts was all the more unnerving.

In moments like this, I'm even more sure that my assessment of them (those all-knowing professors in the comm department), that they are intuitive and calculative and always applying theory to petty students, is so right.  I can't tell you how many times Andrew or Marcia has pointed out to me some deeper issue within myself that is probably spot on and that they've known forever and I feel violated that they know more about me than I do.

I'm being really literal.

I was apathetic and therefore unproductive throughout most of the day.  I had a strange interaction with my DP, where we were both hesitant and tentative about our role in finishing the film, and the walk after was full of self-disclosure and part emotional repair.  Spent a few hours finishing my photo project, then wasted the evening before going to Denny's late at night to meet our new friend, Paul.  Was up unfortunately late finishing a paper, and writing random bs for my thesis, and studying for my chemistry quiz.

watching, cropping, arranging, hoping

MMS in the morning was probably my best effort as a TA yet, discussing and processing Trekkies with the class, asking questions and responding to their answers.  Worked in between, and then went to AWM and lunch with Mom.  Got back to school and met with Nate to spend hours working on Definition.  Finished a rough cut, went to bed early. 

task completion

monday's are busy.  tried to navigate the busyness with the new task of editing a movie while maintaining friendships and not letting my self deprecation get in the way of finishing endeavors successfully.  entirely too conscious of the four day week ahead.

hoping it's the beginning of something great

slept in, then went down to the editing suite to start transferring footage.  edited about three minutes of material, then met meredith at muggs for an evening of homework. 

lots of things with lots of people

Finished filming out at the KOA, where I was extremely pissed by Nate's insistence on acting as director.  He picked up on why I was upset, but i didn't want to instigate conflict so I just let it go.  After we finished filming, Meredith, Chris, Stephen and I met with Jeremy at Tlaquepaque for dinner, and then Mer and Chris accompanied me out to Ann's for dessert and then to Akron for the film festival.  Watched Multilevel Relationship on the big screen, and awkwardly parted ways after my hesitancy to take up Danielle's invitation (not knowing if it was authentic or sympathetic). 

sour apples

Skipped chemistry class in the morning, and then saw Meredith perform with chancels, and after history met the posse for lunch, where we decided to postpone filming once again due to the perpetual rain.  Instead, we took a scouting trip to KOA Kampground in East Sparta, and once we got back I decided I should probably clean up the 3rd floor of Founders.  Walked so many flights of stairs I don't dare to count, felt surly due to the lack of help, and then went to see God's Favorite once again to appease Stephen.  We all went to Muggs after and played Apples to Apples again, where I wasn't bitter.  Nope, I'm never bitter....

shows

The fandom lecture was not much better than my other one--the view from the front of the room is much different and very much intimidating.  I talked for a good half-hour, and then let them watch trekkies for the last half hour.  Was planning on filming the last two scenes, but unfortunately our schedules did not coincide.  Went and did the post-play again, then went out to Denny's with Meredith, Chris, and Nate to meet Paul--a genius linguist with great stories to share.  Back in the room I was up even later writing a paper for history...

social tensions

I've been non-motivated and procrastinating lately, and so today I took a nap instead of working on my photography project or preparing questions for the post-play discussion.  Went to see God's Favorite (under Steve's direction), ran the post-play rather quickly, though overall successfully (I think?), and then once again II latenight and fellowship with Steve, Chris, Meredith, and Nate...only to realize that I had nothing prepared for my lecture on fandom in the morning!  Stayed up until 4ish...

a walk and an apology

Class with Andrew in the morning felt obligatory for both of us, him in his sickness and me in my weariness, but he put on a good dog-and-pony-show that kept me entertained and laughing and surprised when we left the room and he returned to his drowsy, sniffly self.  I met with Nate and Meredith to film around the library, the Stagecoach, and the house, and then Chris joined us for the apartment scene and the coffee QS.  We stayed in the porn-room set (dubbed so by Andrew because of its vinyl paneling) for hours, talking, burning candles (how rebellious!) and enjoying fellowship.  We went to latenight with Steve, and then to the barn to play Apples to Apples until 3 am.  It was an interesting and sudden experience, being integrated into the group, and I think in someways it has harmful connotations.  It doesn't help when I continuously struggle to accept people for their goodness, and instead worry about the ways in which they clearly are conspiring against me.

I think the night ended well, with a walk and an apology and a reaffirmation.

the aftermath

Monday dragged long through classes and obligations and quizzes and the left-over exhaustion from a long weekend of filming.  Met my new friends for late-night and II.

Day Three

I yelled at anyone who even mentioned rain, refusing to cancel filming the outdoor scene.  We packed up the equipment and headed to Andrew's friends' home (i can't spell their name...) in the downpour.  When we pulled into the driveway, however, the sun was shining and the clouds kept at bay.  The day was intermittent with a few sprinkles, but nothing to threaten the completion of the scene.  Dinner and homework with Nate, Chris, and Meredith after.

Day Two

Woke up at 5 am in order to start setting up in the library at 6 and continue filming throughout the day until 5 pm.  An exhausting, though fruitful, day led to an awkward meeting of the people who's backyard we'll be using to film the campfire scene, a nap, phone calls galore interrupting my slumber, quick dailies, and a dinner with tyler.

A fun day, filled with dynamic shots!

Day One

Trying to film when the set isn't ready, the DP is still in bed, the cinematography consultant is late, your actors are going through traumatic experiences, and your producers are absent--is really stressful.  Miraculously, it all came together for us to film the roommate scene between Ashley and Meredith, with even a little time to spare for Nate to get some sleep before opening God's Favorite.  After a wrap of scene five, I did lots of running and prepping to get sets ready for saturday's all-day shoot, and then stopped in to give two of my favorite men some congratulatory flowers for their performance on opening night.