The first day of school (kind of).

I felt a mix of belonging and an urge to leave--a sense of incompleteness and a desire for something else. I found myself in and out of routines, in familiar and new places, and all the while knew that it wasn't real. Not for me. Not yet. I'm destined for something bigger--right?

gendered language

It's weird whenever I'm in a women's clothing shop, or sitting in a car with two other women, or at work waiting on women, how quickly we jump into "lady talk" (terminology? I don't know the exact way one would describe it, but you know what I mean)--topics that range from men, to menstrual cycles, bra sizes, gyno visits, cosmo magazine, babies and children expectations, small animal coddling, etc. My mom has never really indulged this type of conversation topic with anyone, and so it's almost a foreign language to me--I get awkward and weird because it's embarrassing and strange, though I'm acutely aware of my inability to escape its presence (because there's like this pact that exists among women? like by being a woman there's an invitation for other women to discuss these things? I'm sure something similar exists for men, too...).

Well, today I had the pleasure of experiencing two very different sides of my mother--as first she engaged in such lady talk with both me and Jasmine (the girl who everyone thinks is my twin at work?!), and then ten minutes later she performed some miracle work on the broken down car (because she used to be a diesel mechanic!). I was baffled as she discussed wrenches and torque-age and cylinders and held a completely competent conversation in yet another foreign tongue.

nostalgic tendencies

Nate, Meredith, and I went to breakfast at the local mom-and-pop diner (where I ran into my great-grandma Shearer), and then over to the yuppie park in Louisville, and then to the Main Event at Malone. I jumped through different phases of my life, as I comfortably ordered my gravy-covered hash-browns from the local waitress, and explained to my company that that's what we do out here in the count-tray, went over to the new-when-i-was-twelve-but-currently-in-disarray playground and told hide-and-seek, biking expedition, and babysitting stories, and then took my time-traveling friends to where we once felt a belonging, but are all separately drifting away from--though ultimately drifting in different directions together. Does that make sense?

busy day

Flirtatious conversations kept my mood elevated as navigated the ever expanding to-do list before leaving for oxford. My last minute going-away party was fun, easy, relaxed, though ultimately unconvincing.

getting ahead of myself

In a desperate attempt to quell the panic building inside me as I prepare to leave my current country of residence, I moved various "home" things into the dorm that I will occupy when I return in order to be able to cling to something that I can still call my own--something I can come back to. Unfortunately, I the amazingness of this past year feels greatly diminished, and I anticipate continually fighting against the growing realization that my time at malone is coming to an end.

oxford, england, europe, world--here i come.

I downloaded skype, and five minutes later received a call from Chris DeMichel in France! He took me to the window to show me downtown Paris, held up an Eiffel Tower trinket he got for free, and offered general encouragement. I took it as a sign that I also finished my giant two-year endeavored journal, just in time for this new adventure.

obligations

Took Amber's shift at work just to have one last opportunity to work with Jasmine, and afterwards shot over to Malone for a reelate meeting. Witty banter, good friends, and the promise of fulfillment kept me afloat throughout the general discouragement I felt.

similar stories

Despite Justin's insistence that he wouldn't be needing a Ferraro's free birthday dinner because he wouldn't be anywhere near the restaurant on his birthday, at midnight on the 25th (though in this case it marks my entry for the 24th), he found himself at one of the outside tables on the patio of this 24 hour cafe. We got a free smiley cookie with a candle in its forehead from the lovely ladies who serve us on a regular basis. A few hours later, tired, but trying to relish the last few nights of summer left, we dissipated into the night.

perhaps i would have been better served at home alone

With three hours of sleep, I trudged into work and nodded off while talking to my coworker. Met group 1 after rehearsal, and watched a Nine Lives at my place, feeling oddly conscious of my reactions, the aesthetic distance, and the cinematography.

ambiguity serves best in this medium

Seeing it stabbed my heart in a way I never anticipated. Conversation did nothing the heal the hurt of any of the present parties. An embrace seared my memory. Tears ran continually the entire way home.

the future freaks me out

Morning planning Europe session at the Dripolator, lunch at An Apple a Day, an art exhibit of The Freaks of Asheville, graffiti covered alleys, high fidelity record shop, Malaprop's book store, Woolworth's art museum, tears in the Basilica, a huge drum circle, a trip to the roof, a couple on the parking garage across the way, the chocolate lounge, lasagna at midnight, late night phone calls home.

a mixture of delight, despair, anticipation, anxiety, apprehension (alliteration?)...

mostly dread.

when narratives do not render coherence and fidelity

I thought sharing serious and philosophy-altering stories would bond and bring us together, but instead my heartfelt attempt to express sympathy and empathy just reminded me of how stupid I was, how stupid I am, and how I always fuck things up. Flippant words, brief understanding, and emotional separation was what drove the night into a messy depression laden room where I felt miles away from where my expectations had carried me.

warm confusion

Rode with Nate down to NC, making a pit stop at Tamarack to see the best of WV, and finally making it to the boy's house at around 5. A trip downtown, an official Cosmo, a cigarette inside!, and expedition to Jon's house--where we had a wonderful home-cooked dinner and wine.

not comfortable

A phone call in the afternoon reminding me that I will always be second best did nothing but redouble my efforts to move up on the list, despite the omniscience experience has given me about these situations and these feelings and the inevitable consequences of it all. I stayed in for the night and had a bitter argument with mom about bills, all the while cursing money and the strange power it reigns with.

pretty normal

Worked, and then went to muggs and ferraros with nate, paul, bethany, and justin. anticipated the next night, which would be the night before a vacation, a beginning, and a reunion.

tyler time

Worked a two-hour shift, watched My Girl with Meredith at her new house (and cried for the 80 millionth time this week), and then came home to dive into thesis work.  After writing a paragraph, I was annoyed by the constant traffic in and out of my working area (our new deck) by my parents finishing some landscaping work around the house, so I called Tyler and spent a lovely evening driving aimlessly around Massillon and Canton.

tires, movies, friends, pie

Didn't make it to the all day workshop for reelate because I was supposed to get new tires (which also didn't happen--yay for procrastinating in real life in addition to school work things), but did get to see Public Enemies at the dollar theatre with Meredith, Jon, and Nate. Met Paul at Ferraro's afterwards for pie and coffee, and was generally met with the same apprehensions that plagued me at the end of our last meeting.

dueling realities

After work, I spent an hour journaling at Muggswigz, and then went to see (500) Days of Summer alone. With a bag of popcorn buttery goodness, I tried to lose myself in the movie, but thesis thinking kept creeping in, which made me feel guilty for not spending more time perfecting the work I've already done or writing the introduction that still needs to be added before I can send it to my committee. At Lydia's going away party, all I could think about was my own fast-approaching departure, the books that I still need to read, the film I still need to finish, the packing/cleaning to be done, and a thousand other menial tasks that seem impossible to complete before take off...

when our tools turn against us

On my way to work, my car blew a tire and left me stranded, late, and completely incapable of fixing the problem myself. With the help of some strangers and a classmate, I was on my way, but not without shedding a few tears at the frustration of feeling helpless and fearful that at any moment my faithful car would stop working altogether. While at work, I was determined to not let this one average event become colossal enough to ruin the rest of my day, but unfortunately I spilled coffee (again!) and broke a customer's watch and from there my mood escalated into an angry mess.

perhaps i'm trying to fulfill the entire comm arts mission statement in one sitting

Requested by my mom to come home after work instead of staying out until the wee hours of the morning, we drove around fulfilling many errands and then had quality time at a favorite bar. Sitting, sipping, talking, weeping--we had one of the most truthful and heartfelt conversations of our relationship. And while the demons of her past and the demons of my present don't necessarily coincide, and neither is everything healed or even finished being discussed, we're at least on a similar path towards reconciliation.

a tricky solution, but if navigated well could bear pleasurable outcomes

In response to the previous day's less-than-ideal interactions, I spent most of my time analyzing the incident, identifying its place in my relationship(s), deciphering how that defines my identity in said relationship(s), and how it will impact the scope of future similar (or dissimilar) incidents. Some great advice from a mentor/friend left me cheery and anticipating the perfect time to enact the advice, and in the mean time I enjoyed mall-walking, editing, whispering, driving, waiting, reading, and sleeping--all whilst harboring ever-so-slight resentment...

so i went to the bathroom and cried

The anticipation leading to tonight's festivities were greatly unmatched, as I attempted repeatedly to share stories and make conversation, but was interrupted and left unable and unwilling to talk further. After three times, and then three follow ups of "why isn't anyone talking," I very pointed let them know what was bothering me, and then spent the rest of the night feeling paranoid and patronized every time my friends seemed a bit too interested, because deep down I know that they would rather ignore me because they hold no value in what I have to say, but must treat me like a child in order to avoid making a scene.

movies and friends

Worked, paid bills, and then went to the drive-in theatre with Justin, Meredith, and Nate. I miss the days when movie-going was a regular occurrence that I did for pleasure, and didn't feel obliged to engage in all sorts of critical activity pre-during-and-post watching.

the most magical part is hope. living off of hope, these days.

Attended a coworker's wedding with Jazz and Tyler, and in the midst of lighting candles, buying ice, and serving food, I really enjoyed the whole evening. Danced despite full-daylight, empty dance-floor, and lack of "groove," and did my best to leave different troubles behind.

friendships get complicated

Meredith's birthday celebration at Bethany's was laid back and fun and interesting. Confusing actions and even further confusing comments were left unsettled.

hope dies and rises

a conversation led to another, which led to an invite, which led to a magical full-moon bonfire and the hope of one party rising while the other's died. an ambiguous take on a complicated subject, which may ultimately lead to three irreparable relationships.

A more serious game of what if.

Under a full moon, sitting outside the campfire, the lingering taste of spinach dip and s'mores on my lips, cuddled up with one of my favorite people, I thought about work, and reading, and making movies, and the text I just received, and the people around me, and the warmth of the fire, and my car, and the weight of responsibility weighing heavily over everything I do, and being creative, and enabling apathy, and....

And mostly I thought about alternate realities.

Andrew's thoughts about my paper are clear

Andrew's thoughts about my paper are clear, originally uploaded by aussie259772.

First thesis meeting of the summer. We're both feeling quite overwhelmed by the project. Actually, it's more truthfully one sided overwhelm-ment, as I read his feedback and think, "Seriously, wtf was I thinking?! I am in no means capable of attacking so huge a theoretical ocean."

(the ocean analogy emerges from one of our first meetings, when Andrew told me that different theorists ride upon different boats, and while I'm currently "walking from boat to boat without any consequence...the various boat-rowers want you to choose their boat. They're confident they can take you on the best ride." So, genre theory is an ocean that critics/theorists (I'm not sure if I quite understand the distinction at this juncture (how many parenthetical statements can I combine in one post?!)) navigate the waters with row-boats. Or streamliners. Or sail-boats. Or cruise ships. Regardless, there are a lot of effing boats to choose from.)

but thankfully, for perhaps the first time in my life, i said "no" to a project i felt incredibly obliged to do

I've never been a juggler--at least in the literal sense.  But lately I've quite felt as if I'm juggling too many tasks, and people keep throwing more balls into the mix, and very soon I anticipate all of them falling into a heap around me, as I mourn the lack of ability I have at manipulating the inevitable force of gravity.

hospitality

I traveled to Hudson and attended church with Nate and his family, and afterwards we went to lunch and spent a lazy afternoon watching half of a movie before I went home and crashed. I was warmly welcomed, thoroughly enjoyed a day of laughs and was, I admit, slightly envious of this large, loving, perfect family.

Instead, I felt embarrassed and awkward and didn't dance.

As I sat patiently awaiting my date at the reception of his sister's wedding, I watched one little girl dance alone throughout the pre-festivity buzz, twirling and frolicking and head-thrashing to the different types of music (provided by our high school principal DJ). The rest of the night I wished we could be children, lacking inhibitions, desperate for fun, and seizing it when the opportunity presents itself.