Facebook can, in fact, ruin lives.

A friend posts: "i guess the real question in life is, you still thinking about coming to [my place of living] in august? i would love to have you, and we can have intensive "plan [vacation]" sessions... with cosmos... and a bit of lusting over [insert name of important person whom I respect and admire and would be incredibly embarrassed to have read such a disrespectful comment about him/herself on my facebook wall]...
oops, too much? [this person] has facebook you say?"

I deleted it. Bethany's birthday celebration and reuniting with friends was the highlight at the end of the day.

much is suppressed

With all intentions of spending my evening after work at home, relaxing and reading prescribed tutorial list, I received a phone call from a distressed friend, and like normal in these situations dropped everything to spontaneously meet him out at Ferarro's.  We came home and talked on the porch for upwards of three hours before finally crawling to bed just before my parents got up for work.  Time together and good conversation sometimes does little to numb the ache.

therapy... kind of

Instead of proactively attempting to fix my breakdowns by finishing the tasks before me, I slept in, watched movies, and then helped Tyler shop for food and booze for his 21st birthday party.  A fun (but safe!) night with good friends did much to relieve the stress of the day prior...

just let me be the victim

In the evening, a reminder about all the things still to be finished before I leave in little over six weeks was flung at me, and I began to believe the sarcastic jibe I made about myself earlier in the day.  Spastically shifting from subtle disappointment, to overwhelming doubt, to absolute certainty about my inevitable failure...I realized that I'm constantly having a breakdown. 

two ideas for screenplays

Decided that my day off should entail anything that I wanted to do and nothing I thought I "should" do, so I surrounded myself with books, music, movies, and my journal.  I met some friends at ColdStone and Muggswigz, then decided to indulge two ideas that came to me while driving.

disappointment hangs heavily

I was supposed to meet people at Denny's after the short shift at work, but a shift in their plans meant that I waited for upwards of forty minutes while they drove their separate ways.  A passive aggressive text and a phone call later, I had to sit and remember that I'll only be second best.

i'm making millions of friends.

Ice cream and movies with group 1, showcase night 2 for Emily, and then hanging out with the cool kids until 5 am.  I hope it happens more often, and that I'll be really funny, and that they'll think I'm really great. 

I want to do this for the rest of my life!

The first installment of Emily's showcase was fun, exhilarating, heartwarming and thought provoking.  Following a successful show, the cast met up at Emily's house for friends and food and good conversation, and I felt thankful, surprised, and more than anything-blessed to be welcomed and in the presence of such wonderful people.

i don't normally forget things like that

Re-edited, tried to shake my inhibitions in asking yet another favor from an already overloaded mentor, felt selfish and needy, spazzed out, though mostly enjoyed the long tech rehearsal since it was only one night instead of, like, seven.  Forgot to call Connie even though i was supposed to spend the night at her house, and felt like a total douche for bailing on my best friend.

for me, right?

I was just feeling better about my story, home film...but once meshed together it felt very chaotic and sloppy and I lost it again.  Went to rehearsal, and hanging out with people at applebees did little to console me.  I think perhaps my expectations and others' don't always mesh, but that gap is never navigated gracefully enough for me to appreciate my projects in the way they deserve? I deserve? I should strive to loosen the grip of external motivation I have placed upon myself.

eeyore, mostly.

I was having a dreary day, editing for the E.Hisey showcase movie and not feeling good about it, a reelate lab that left me further unsure about my interest in film and my associations with mentors who will most likely never evolve into friends, and the news that my film was not accepted into the festival I submitted to.  Beginning to doubt all of my endeavors, I needed a respite and went to Ferarro's with Nate and Paul, only to leave further unsure of my stance among close friends.

In anticipation...

I didn't dread work as much as I normally do, mostly intent on the three days of (mild) freedom because I had given away or traded my shifts in order to not work again until Friday.  A rarity, I went home right after work, and went to sleep early.

I went to the mall. On my day off.

I find it ironic that shopping, in general, tends to deflate the minimal self-confidence I have.  But once I'm home with my purchases--despite the pain and depression that went into finding them--I feel excited and ready to go strut my stuff.

Women's Culture

I went to my co-worker, Amber's, bachelorette celebration, which included a passion party and a night on the town in Akron.  There was something secret and cherished in this weird ritualistic gathering among the other women, and by being a part of it I felt as if I was inducted officially into adult female life--not that I believe this to be the extent or by any means the definition of womanhood, but sharing stories of this (rather uncomfortable) experience made me realize that it's held in awe and confusion by members of the opposite sex.

the little things that make days more bearable

I left notes all over the store for Jasmine to find when she opened, and the thrill of knowing someone had done something just for her was well worth the extra long closing shift.  We spent the afternoon laughing and joking and enjoying our favorite food together.

mostly work

Monotony, like an unwelcome and unexpected visitor, has overtaken my days, my summer, my (possibly) last summer vacation.  The freedom I anticipated is now constantly overshadowed by afternoon shifts at work, which loom large over the hours of daylight slipping away as I try to make the most of the little time I have available before it's off to watch world.

storied

On a whim, I've decided to make a film for the E.Hisey project, so I spent my day off collecting stories from Nana, Dad, Nate, and Paul.  The range of stories are amazingly diverse, and the only thing I wish was different is that my family members wouldn't feel obligated to include *me* in their stories--and that Nana hadn't decided to start talking about her as I was leaving, with my camera packed away and out of reach!

A Fortunate Coincidence

My aunt and cousins came into the mall, and when they spotted me at the kiosk, they asked if I was attending the anticipated Half Blood Prince midnight showing.  On learning that I hadn't been able to secure a ticket before they were sold out, my aunt offered me an extra ticket that they had because of a no-show. 

As I stood amidst the mob of people waiting for the 12:01 showing, I tried to be as excited as I once was for the release of the next HP movie.  While I by no means have stopped caring, and out of the group of us there (though definitely not out of the whole crowd) I had the most random trivia knowledge, I definitely lost the gusto for costumes, scars, and adventure.  I found myself less involved in the make believe of the story, and instead evaluated the ways in which movie magic helped drop the audience into the magical diegesis and upheld the emotions of the narrative. 

I didn't mourn the feelings I failed to conjure, but instead wondered if I was transferring my interests in a natural, growing up kind of way. 

rather regular

worked, then headed to a new hookah bar in Canton with some friends.  Went to Ferarro's with Tyler and Paul after.

missings

The first part of the day with Alyssa and Chang Hi was enjoyable, even if it was event-less, but the latter half of the evening (with the addition of one more old friend) was frustrating, and that much more convincing of how much I no longer belong there.  At first I thought that new friends can seem exciting and new and more exciting than old friends, but then when i go back to some old friends I realize that the new ones are just better people.

(Don't be concerned: if you're reading this, you're not one of those less good people I've ambiguously referred to).

the universe sent me a surprise

A palm reader from Ireland picked me out of the crowd and insisted that I let her do a reading for me (for only half the price!), and led me down the basement of Plant Et Art where she "cleansed the essence" of her former subject with sage and prayer before allowing me to sit and hand over my palms.  Things I learned from this reading:

I have an old soul. 
I was a temptress in a former life.
This life is moving slowly.
I'm brave, I've just forgotten it.
I shouldn't sleep with anyone, because she sees a child within the next year.
I'm fertile and will have lots of babies.
I'll always make money.
I have to move.
California.  I need to go to CA.
I need to trust in my art.  It will provide.
I'm a born survivor and people need me and my art.
I need not let anyone stifle the vibrant light within me.
I'm very spiritually in sync.
I need to trust in myself.
More than anything, I need to move West.

take that, self doubt!

i wasn't supposed to work until 5, but a co-worker decided to call off and I had to go in at 1, which meant my quality mom time was ruined.  after late night journaling about lack of motivation and inspiration, i shut myself off to the world and wrote three interrelated  screenplays. 

high maintenance

I was annoyed by everything.  Most especially by favorite thigns--like reading (Infinite Jest?! What was I thinking), watching movies (default to The Wedding Date--really?), and hanging out with Mom (no, Mom.  Not now, Mom.  Will you just leave me alone?!).

learned behavior

I had the day off, so instead of doing productive things like working on Reelate, or calling important people, or researching forensics stuff--I went to Gma's for a few hours, intent on swimming and reading the day away.  Intermittent weather and rehearsal for the E.Hisey project meant little time in the pool, though TONS of quality conversation with grandma--which at first makes me laugh and marvel at the topics and manner of description that is SO TOTALLY her, and my mom, and me--but after awhile gets overbearing and exhausting that it makes me hope one day i'll learn to shut up.

generally discouraging

During an EXTREMELY slow day at work, I plowed through the first 60 pages in Infinite Jest (a sporadic, random assortment of chapters and titles and characters that I'm told will come together in the end if I just trust the author, yet I find myself unencouraged by certain reviews and postulations that one can never finish it...).  Reelate lab meeting led me into that familiar feeling of unnavigable filmmaker's block...

Tep Down

Mom and I went to The Stables after I picked her up from work (for the first time in YEARS--partly due to a recommendation from Andrew I recalled reading here (THOUGH! even MORE changes have occurred, meaning his raving shouldn't be taken too seriously)). While we waited for our main entree, my mom looked at the end of the table and asked, "Tep Down?  That must be a foreign name.  Do you think he donated the table??" (p.s. the sign reads "STEP down")

Mostly Friends

Woke to the sounds of Justin rummaging around to find a puke bowl for Bethany, and the rest of us spent a lazy morning lounging around the house until I had to work.  For the rest of the day, Meredith and I were lounged and waited until ten, when we welcomed Nate home from vacation.

Happy 4th

I worked the entire shift alone at work, and got slammed midway through the day, all the while mumbling and grumbling "who the hell goes to the mall to shop for watches on the fourth of July?!" 

Immediately following work, Paul and I drove to Bethany's to join her and Justin and Meredith and Nick for my very first Independence Day party.  Patriotic drinks, flag cake, BLT dip, dogs and brats on Justin's baby grill, margarita's, and fireworks in the distance. 

If that's not a sign, I don't know what is.

Against company policy, a customer convinced me to remove links on his fine-grade Tag Huer watch, which took me the better part of a half hour to complete.

Once I had finished, I handed him his watch, and moved towards the register to ring up the sale.

"You know, I don't need a receipt if you wanna just pocket the money."

I laughed awkwardly.  "It's really tempting, but...."  I started to enter my employee code into the computer. 

"Don't even press the button.  Just take it."  He slid ten dollars across the counter.

I wanted to.  I really wanted the money.  I put it in my pocket, and helped the next person who came up to the counter. 

It's just a service I offered, I thought.  It's not as if I'm stealing merchandise.  And he *GAVE* it to me.  That's not dishonest.  Right?

Remember the other day when I was thinking about that fabled list of sins kept in Heaven?  One of the actions on my mind was this *EXACT* interaction--another customer who had links removed and didn't need a receipt. 

It would be so easy to pocket this money, I thought. 

But I didn't, aware that in this case, I was stealing from the store, and stealing from that person. 

So the fact that merely four days later I was confronted with the same choice made me extremely wary.  I mean, what if it was a test?  The thought crossed my mind before, and I felt the sweet lure of temptation, though had denied it.  And now I was offered that which was the object of my temptation, in an interaction that gave me flat permission to take the money. 

Was it still wrong?  If the customer knowingly gave the money?  It felt wrong.  I called to ask advice from a friend, explained the situation, and Friend told me that if God wanted me to have the money, he would have given it to me in a way that wasn't so morally confusing.  And by denying it and cashing it into the register, it was a statement of trust in God's provision.

Good point.  I knew from the start that it would eat away at me if I kept it.  So I rung out the sale, and the total came to $10.65.  If I wanted to do it right, I would have to pay the $0.65 in tax to make the drawer even.  I counted the change in my pocket, and with two quarters, a nickel, and ten pennies--I had exactly sixty-five cents in my pocket and no more.  I think I made the right decision.

one of those boring summer days

lazy morning.  afternoon shift at work.

and top of everything else, i was really funny, too.

Andrew called to offer paying for Definition's submission into a real-live, non-Malone-associated film festival out in LA.  Spent the morning editing, and the afternoon tweaking synopses and loglines and promotional material, stuffed it in a large manilla envelope, and dropped it in the mail.