The Summer I Longed For

I read The Great Divorce on recommendation from Andrew while at work, and was stunned and intrigued by this unique image of Heaven.  Have been struck by the fictitious "what if" theology that would give choice to even the damndest in Hell for Heaven, the beautiful imagery and representation of Christ, the edge walking interpretations of Predestination and Universalism--and joyously took every opportunity I could to share passages with whomever would listen (even with a stranger at the bar!).

So I declined when a cashier gave me the option of a free coffee

The used-to-strike-fear-and-convert-youth-group-attendees fabled list of sins has been on my mind a lot lately, and today I was conscious of little actions that I might one day see again and be haunted by should I complete them.  Though I know there are many more sins I have to my history--some aware of and some not--I was influenced by my fear of *this* one being the straw to break the camel's back, the one over the limit sin that would prevent my entry to heaven (as if there's a min-max measurement that St. Peter will review at the Pearly Gates...).

Out Of Shape

I went for my first bike ride in years, feeling exhilarated by the pace, the wind, the familiar sights, and most importantly the training for Oxford transportation.  As I climbed the steep, infamous Cindell hill, and felt excitement for the (once anticipated) pinnacle of coasting down the other side begin to vanish (along with my lung capacity), I thought perhaps I might buy a bus pass, instead. 

Sales Technique

Sometimes I find it incredibly funny whenever someone walks up and asks for the time. not because it's a strange place to do so, but because it's so obvliously predictable. We are a watch place after all. Time is what we do. I mean, I myself am constantly aware of the time staring me in the face--setting watches all day is just an omnipresent reminder of how many hours I have yet to suffer through.

In those moments, when non-watch-wearing strangers walk up to ask what time it is, some ridiculous part of me just wants to throw on a cheesy smile and exclaim with a twinkling eye, "Why, it looks like it's time for you to buy a watch!"

between vacation and work

I was felt once again renewed fervor for exercise and fitness and worked out for approximately and hour with the determination that always accompanies such escapades (despite the boredom that will no doubt emerge sometime next week). Sweaty and exhilarated, I laid on the floor and watched "shall we dance," a netflix arrival for my mom, and cried at the most random scenes that were meant to evoke inspiration but instead left me with an empty feeling of the inevitable marital struggles, or failed dreams, or the prime talent years wasting away into faded memories that will be different and uninteresting to those whom you most want to share them with.

Don't worry: I found the book.

Quick goodbyes in the morning, and Connie I set off for our 7 hour drive back to Ohio, and upon arrival I burst into tears when I couldn't find my Film/Genre book, alarming my mother when she walked in and found me weeping on the couch, mumbling about books and fines and a non-working controller.  Nick invited me out to Applebee's with a few other Malonies, and after I was welcomed home by a bonfire with Paul, Justin, Bethany, Nick, Nate, and Meredith--a circle that I sometimes suspect is too good to be true.

this is supposed to be vacation

I woke up to Nana's incessant clanging--calling Lily to breakfast, and when she arrived she turned and ushered a very loud "shhhhhh" towards the kitten, as if the small creature's faint footsteps would at any second rouse Connie and I from our slumber.  Nana was so perfectly what I expected, but the day was mostly clouded by nausea and disappointment by the awful work I turned in the day previously, which was not relieved by a trip to the Garden State mall (where I encountered all sorts of feminine struggles of self-confidence--which I by no means am free of, but the presence of others' only intensified my own feelings of worthlessness).

frustration

Only minimal work was completed on my paper over the weekend, so it was really time to crack down and get the thing finished before my second deadline, so I locked myself in the sun room all day and typed away, resenting the fact that all my inquiring emails had thus far gone unanswered.  Under the speculation that he was purposefully avoiding me in order to make me do it myself and make a point about my own capacity for completing these strenuous tasks, I grumbled through the entirety of its completion--which didn't occur until about 3:30 am at Deshanna's house in North Jersey.

On the Boardwalk

Connie and I had a lazy day, though in the evening took a trip to the Ocean City Boardwalk with Linda.  We walked around for maybe an hour before the rain that followed us from Ohio started to fall, and we had to escape in order to protect our popcorn...

Reliability

Reading about form and being told about how much humans need, expect, and desire structure was only mildly convincing until I attended Dave's Catholic wedding, which threw me into ritual and practiced ceremonies and specific, learned behavior.  New ritual always terrifies me, and I sat uncomfortably through the entire service, observing the automatic responses and behavior of those performing and attending the ceremony.  Though my reaction was tentative and anxious, those who knew the ritualistic expectations no doubt felt privileged, comfortable, and a desire to continue practicing their structural religion that organizes their experience into something predictable and reliable.

a little bit of convergence

All intentions of finishing my paper flew out the window as I anxiously waited for my new! iPhone! my mother so spontaneously bought for me (and added me back onto her family plan, leaving my joyously awaiting my next paycheck which will not be diminished by my $70 phone bill...).

A little over-the-top, I posted pictures like crazy online of my trip to Jersey with Connie, relishing the internet capabilities and endless opportunities of this tiny black box. 

a regularly scheduled interruption

having a social life greatly reduces my work ethic, which meant after work I made poor decisions to go to Ferraro's until 2 am instead of frantically researching for my thesis.  Back at home, i stayed awake for another two hours finishing some minor details and emailing my adviser, only to receive notice that he would further extend my deadline until tuesday--a most relieving, and undeserved, 2nd extension.

paaaaaaaaaaper

under a strict deadline that crept to my attention much faster than anticipated, i devoted the entire day to working on my paper.  by ten o'clock, i was completely fried by staring at the computer screen the entire night, and me, Paul, and Justin (my new "gay" friends due to Russ's theory) met at Ferraro's for C&C, and anticipated being with Nate before my trip to NJ.

i've never been much for conflict resolution

after an evening with mallory, exhaustion crept through my whole body, and i was completely unmotivated to do anything other than sleep.  i don't know why, but every time she comes to town she leaves me dismayed and confused and silently introverted.  realizing that what i appreciate most is stifled when we're together is depressing  and disappointing, and unfortunately paralyzing about how to confront and move forward.

Turn it off.

I got an email from an alum asking for involvement in a theatre project she's heading up.  I realized while thinking on artwork that revolved around "home," that the theoretical home I live in is based in the future, not the past.  Everytime I start a new project, or endeavor on a new friendship, I never take the time to be present, and instead am always concerned with how I'll remember it in the future, if I'll remember it in the future, and how I can best preserve the memory so I can fully recall the mood and specifics of the experience.

Co-workers, parents, and friends

I worked the mid shift with Megan instead of Jasmine, and then went immediately home to write this damn paper.  Paulie called around ten to see if I could join him and Justin at Ferraro's for late night coffee, and mom felt the need to make up a random story that Paul and Justin are a couple because Russ has this ridiculous theory that every time I'm out until 2-4 a.m, I'm "whoring" around.  He thinks very highly of me.

Exceptions Aren't Romantic.

I had full intentions of watching High Fidelity for my thesis, but when Mom ordered He's Just Not That Into You... I thought, "what the hell?  I wanted to see this movie anyway," and then spent the rest of the day mildly depressed by the whole thing (mostly because I was intrigued by its opening statements, but by the end of the film it went entirely against its professed ideology).

Which didn't help when I met Meredith, Justin, and Steve at the Player's Guild to see Beauty and the Beast, because I spent the whole time thinking about exceptions and rules and it was entirely too confusing. 

the troubles of living at home

Opened at work, where I was greeted by two more dinner propositions (one with MR, the other a truck driver).

Later that night, Alyssa and I met Ashley at Joe's, where an older man was kind enough (well...creepy enough, rather) to buy us shots and a pitcher of Red.  Ashley was unsatisfied, so we went over to George's, and after we closed down the place I was...worse for the wear.

Late night Denny's to sober up, and then I rolled home at about 4:30am.  This is the first time I've actually come home this late and been out drinking, but this apparently does not appease my stepdad, who is extremely concerned now that I am "of age"...

The Ideal

I hate the closing shift.  Especially when you're expecting the VP to drop in at any second, and therefore can get no spare reading done.

The reason I could never work retail for the rest of my life?  I seriously feel like my life is wasting away as I wait for the end of my shift.  Work should be more fulfilling, right? 

On the other hand, I should enjoy my summer, right?

I opened at Dakota, and had my day punctuated by creepers galore--an man in his sixties asking me to dinner, drinks and dancing; a late 40s man in a wind-suit asking me to dinner after work (and making really strange comments about his own panty-wearing...); and three guys who followed me as I drove to pick my mom up from work. 

The good things:
- beer, shots, and wings with Mom after work
- Paul and Justin at Denny's for hours
- C&C
- Meeting Nate at Denny's on Arlington at midnight
- Random conversations about books and philosophy

Not so good: intending to be at Denny's in order to finish a monstrous thesis, and instead conversing with friends and not writing anything.

Not much else.

I probably tried to write my paper in the morning.  Worked the afternoon shift.

Group Two

I spent the day lazing around after taking puppy to get her stitches out, though had the most wonderful nap on the couch mid-afternoon listening to the rain fall on the trees outside the window.  Met Ben, Alyssa and friends at the interbelt late that night to see a drag show, and had a surprisingly good time with my very own group 2. 

I'm sure that it's a phase, but i'm also sure that i never want to forget this feeling

Being back at work means that once again I'm on the schedule for every Sunday, so I got up early and left Meredith to sleep in.  After work, I fulfilled my Ben obligation by driving up to Windham, and then drove (got lost TWICE) to Hudson for Nate's bonfire with Meredith, Paul, Justin, and Ruthie.

There's something strange about the group, that we've been drawn closer and closer together with each other, and there's an intrinsic displacement whenever just one of us isn't able to attend.  We're different, yet feel complete with one another?  Maybe I'm just idealistic, and trapped in the honeymoon phase of the friendships.  But it's nice whenever people ask for me, tell me it's essential that i'm there, support me, care with me...

Applebee's and beer couldn't even fix it

Mom treated the four of us to an amazing breakfast at Patty's Place, and shortly after Meredith and I went out to my cousin Dominic's first birthday party and introduced Mere to the whole dysfunctional family.  The last show of the night was disappointing everywhere, my family and friends unable to get tickets, a non-responsive audience, and then a heart-wrenching display of devotion and adoration that I can never attain.

Day with Friends

Nate joined Ruthie and I at my place, where we watched half of The Reader before meeting Nate's family at Red Robin for dinner.  A semi-good run of the show, a night on the town with cast members, and then back home to finish our movie and have a sleepover (with the addition of Meredith).

Work and Play

My first day back at work seemed pointless and was just as slow as expected, which unfortunately left me exhausted before the second weekend of shows.  The arrival of tons of influential Malone alumni (who have left their imprint on the comm arts department, and therefore the minds and memories of the rest of us), and of course, Andrew, helped Ashley and I get excited about the performance and have our best run.  Ended the night talking late with Ruthie.

Thesis Driven

I was pleasantly surprised when I was invited out to lunch with a friend who feels most comfortable in group settings, not one-on-one, yet we were able to enjoy c&c, food, and easy conversation.  Thesis meeting with Andrew was uplifting, and I was aware of his restraint from offering any sort of criticism, as if he was as conscious as I about how delicate I've been feeling about this project and how vulnerable the whole endeavor seems.

A Day

I made mom sleep with me upstairs because of the two creepy men who showed up outside mom's bedroom window at 11 the night before. I got up early and took Mom to work so that I could have some time to work on my thesis, which then consumed my evening.

I'm totally famous.

Connie, Sarah and I went to the high school to visit teachers, and almost all of them mentioned that they always saw my name in the paper, and specifically the other day for my awards at the film festival (http://www.the-press-news.com/news/simple_article/4595057). "So we're gonna see your name in lights, one day?" they ask. The other two got a little annoyed, I think, saying "oh, look! it's alyssa pearson! she's so famous!" whilist crossing the road and almost being hit by an oncoming truck. "Excuse, me!" I shouted. "Don't you know who I am?!"

Feminist in nature

Matinee showing was probably the best audience we had all weekend, but unfortunately the plans that were on the verge of happening were dispersed, and instead we went to chipotle and then to see "I love you, Man." It was truly a bro-mance, and it made me wonder about the projection of romantic comedy for the future, and if women would lose a genre that has been specifically theirs for decades.

Cinema Verite? I don't think so.

Sometimes real life is unappealing and I don't desire to watch films the exemplify it as if the mundane realities were empowering, and raw, and relatable. I'm surrounded by my own trials and problems and lies and it doesn't comfort me to see it displayed over and over again for people's entertainment.

Break a leg!

It was opening night for the show, which was unfortunately attended by a not-so-engaging audience, but I was majorly unoffended because of my anticipation for the semi-cast get-together at Stephen's house-sitting place of residence. Sleep over with Meredith back at my place.

it's probably pointless, but i can't help having feelings

I dreamed one of those perfect dreams, one that I never wanted to end, and one that I tried to replicate even after my mom dropped the exuberant and freshly woken puppy off in my bedroom before work. The day seemed to be defined by the two similar--yet situationally different--evenings spent with potentials(?), and I oscillated so extremely, and felt so conflicted and confused, that I declined the invitation to hang out with both of them, and instead left for some much needed Alyssa time (with my friend, Alyssa...not myself...).

they say i'm transparent

bethany, nate, and i went to TGIFridays after rehearsal for beer and wings, feeling free of responsibility. shared my life, my thoughts, my struggles, my aspirations with nate for hours in the parking lot. mostly unsure about what i want, how to act, and especially how to feel.

late nights and lazy days

slept most of the day. tech rehearsal at night.

let's just hope i don't fall in love with him

Slept in as long as possible, and then once again had tech rehearsal until right about midnight, after which we felt the necessity to hang out because we're all in town. After Denny's, I spent hours with a semi-friend (now much closer? or on the road to becoming much closer?), discussing relationships, and life, and--i think--maybe exploring the possibility of a mutual interest. He's reserved, though I think intrigued, and in some ways battling maturity, and definitely still hung up on someone else.

and the signs point towards the desired direction

Lavished the change of work schedule, and the delay of my return to Dakota, by sleeping in and lounging before our first tech rehearsal. Five hours later, excited to be surrounded by campus friends during the *summer*, we went to Ferraro's and spent hours playing "what if," "paper telephone," and just chatting the night away.